Cindertales

Met Me Where I Was At...

2011-04-25T15:17:00.005-06:00

I heard this poem yesterday at the Easter Sunday service I attended and got to help with "releasing" balloons into the crowd during the final benediction. I have been thinking about this poem all day long and think it'll probably have a permanent fixture in my mind. Loved it!

Balloons Belong in Church

I took to church one morning a happy four-year-old child
Holding a bright blue string to which was attached a much
loved orange balloon with pink stripes. . .
Certainly a thing of beauty.
And if not forever at least a joy for a very important now.
When later the child met me at the door,
Clutching blue string, orange and pink bobbing behind her,
She didn't have to tell me something had gone wrong.

"What's the matter?"
She wouldn't tell me.
"I bet they loved your balloon."
Out it came then, mocking the teacher's voice,
"We don't bring balloons to church."
Then that little four-year-old, her lip a little trembly, asked,
"Why aren't balloons allowed in church? I thought God would like balloons."

I celebrate balloons, parades, and chocolate chip cookies,
I celebrate seashells and elephants and lions that roar.
I celebrate roasted marshmallows and chocolate cake and fresh fish.
I celebrate aromas: bread baking, mincemeat, lemons . . .
I celebrate seeing: bright colors, wheat in a field, tiny wild flowers . . .
I celebrate hearing: waves pounding, the rain's rhythm, soft voices . . .
I celebrate touching: toes in the sand, a kitten's fur, another person . . .
I celebrate the sun that shines slab dab in our faces . . .
I celebrate snow falling . . . the wondrous quiet of the snow falling . . .
I celebrate the crashing thunder and the brazen lightning . . .
I celebrate anger at injustice
I celebrate tears for the mistreated, the hurt, the lonely . . .

I celebrate the community that cares . . . the church . . .
I celebrate the church.
I celebrate the times when we in the church made it . . .
When we answered a cry
When we held to our warm and well-fed bodies a cold and lonely world
I celebrate the times when the Church is the church
When we are Christians
When we are living, loving, contributing.
I celebrate perfect love . . . the cross . . . the Christ
Loving in spite of . . .
Giving without reward
I celebrate life . . . that we may live more abundantly . . .

Where did we get the idea that balloons don't belong in the church?
Where did we get the idea that God loves gray and sh-h-h and drab and anything will do?
I think it's blasphemy not to appreciate the joy in God's world.
I think it's blasphemy not to bring joy into His church.
For God so loved the world
That He hung there
Loving the unlovable.
What beautiful gift cannot be offered unto the Lord?
Whether it's a balloon or a song or some joy
that sits within you waiting
to have the lid taken off?

The Scripture says there's a time to laugh and a time to weep.
It's not hard to see the reasons for crying in a world where hatred is so manifest.
So celebrate!
Bring your balloons and your butterflies, your bouquets of flowers . . .
Bring the torches and hold them high!
Dance your dances, paint your feelings, sing your songs, whistle, laugh.
Life is a celebration, an affirmation of God's love.
Life is distributing more balloons.
For God so loved the world . . .
Surely that's a cause for Joy.
Surely we should celebrate it!
Good news! That he should love us that much.
Where did we ever get the idea that balloons don't belong in the church?

Written by Ann Weems

Can't Judge A Book By It's Cover

2011-04-12T21:57:00.006-06:00

From the outside a person may look strong & like they have things altogether. They may have a smile on their face and be going about their day-to-day tasks like usual. They may greet those around them with love and kindness. They very well may try hard to shine for God in all they and everywhere they go.

But you can't judge a book by its cover. You can never know what's truly going on inside a person's heart and mind. You can never truly know the inward battles they are facing...the struggles they may very well have some days simply to get out of bed and put one foot in front of the other.

"You're NOT good enough!"..."You're REPLACEABLE!!"..."You're NOT strong enough!"..."You CAN'T do anything right!!"

These statements are just a few of many. They may not have very many words, but man they can pack a VERY POWERFUL punch on a person. Not necessarily words spoken to the person's face. Very well might be constant, inward pokes at the heart.

Yeah, words spoken directly to a person's face are hurtful & damaging. But I personally think the power of inward pokes directly at the heart damage far greater and deeper than anyone will every truly know.

At the end of the day, no matter what the circumstances or where a person find themselves, there's still endless potential. But the biggest roadblock & complication lies in finding the inner strength to continue moving forward, despite whatever opposition is being thrust at them...and that's a lot of times easier said than done!

Quitting...

2010-11-27T21:05:00.003-06:00

We've been doing some purging, painting and house cleaning this past while. I was going through some papers and came across an article I'd printed...10 Ways to Know It's Time to Quit. It was written by Geri & Pete Scazzero and came from I Quit: Stop Pretending Everything is Fine and Change Your Life (Zondervan, 2010). This article was posted by Willow Creek Association.

It talked about the fact that when we quit things that are damaging to our lives that we're then freed up to live life differently. A quote from the article said, "Quitting goes hand in hand with choosing".

These were 8 "Quits" that were deemed essential to all genuine spirituality and they seems things worth posting:

1. Quit Being Afraid of What Others Think (Choose Freedom)
I am willing to cut through the disapproval of others and do what is good, true and loving. I no longer ignore the values I hold dearly. Who I am "on stage" before others is the same person I am "off stage" when I am by myself.

2. Quit Lying (Choose Truth)
The degree to which I live in the truth - with myself, God and others - is the degree to which I am free. Learning how to speak the truth respectfuly, honestly and clearly is one of the most significant ways I can respect the image of God in myself and others.

3. Quit Dying to the Wrong Things (Choose Delighting in God's Gifts)
I will no longer set aside or devalue activities or relationships that cause my soul to feel fully alive (e.g. music, dance, art, the outdoors, travel). I will take the time to exlore my internal world of thoughts, feelings, values, loves, beliefs and motivations.

4. Quit Denying Anger, Sadness and Fear (Choose Embracing Your Humanity)
When it comes to feeling, I will avoid extremes - neither neglecting my emotions nor allowing them to run my life. I will allow myself to experience them in the presence of God, calmly think them through, and then take appropriate action.

5. Quit Blaming (Choose to Take Responsibility)
As a human being made in God's image, I recognize that no one is responsible for my life but me. I reclaim my freedom to choose my own life and help others do the same. I can't change others, but I can change myself - with God's grace.

6. Quit Overfunctioning (Choose Letting God)
I will no longer do for others what they can and should do for themselves. I will push through my fears in the face of resistance, asking God fr courage and wisdom.

7. Quit Faulty Thinking (Choose to Live in Reality)
I will refuse to make things bigger than they are. I will not take offense or blame for something before having all the data. And I will not believe the falsehood that things will never change. I will position myself so that the Spirit can correct my wrong assumptions and align me with the truth.

8. Quit Living Someone Else's Life (Choose to be Yourself)
By God's grace I will embrace the unique life He has given me. I will listen to my God-given rhythms, set appropriate boundaries with others, and let go of other people's agenda for me. In this way I will enter into the joy of my own beautifully, God-given life and carry out His unique purposes for me.

Speak

2010-11-12T08:05:00.008-06:00

“Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.”

-Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

A Saddened Heart...

2010-11-11T23:08:00.008-06:00

I posted the video, "A Pittance of Time" below. I saw this video a couple of years ago & seem to watch it every Remembrance Day. I watched it this morning before getting my kids together & driving to our city's Remembrance Day service.

Near the end of the service, the wreaths had all been laid and the bagpipes began to play while the Veterans began to march back onto the floor to do a walk by salute. I was shocked to see people get up and start leaving. Even when the applause of thanks from the crowd broke out for the Veterans, the people didn't stop to applaud...they continued to leave.

It saddened me to have to answer my kids' questions of, "Why?", in terms of why they had left. I was at a loss for words...no answer would have made things seem clear to them or to me.

It saddened me because we live in this Western world bubble. Blind to all that has happened in the past, blind to all that's currently happening and blind to all that could possibly happen in the future. War is something that hasn't been experienced personally by most, so it brings a false sense of safety & that brings forth ignorance and lack of respect.

I sat in the arena today and spoke briefly with Little Miss about her middle name & about the person who's name she shares. See that person is my great aunt...she was an AMAZING woman. My great grandfather & my great uncle fought in different battles, but they both fought in them. When my great uncle was overseas, he met my great aunt. They were married and she came back to Canada, where she waited, alongside his family, for him to return home. My great uncle returned safely...he passed away years later from complications due to an injury sustained during the war. My great aunt was a war bride. She survived longer than her husband. She was able to live the life of freedom he and others had fought so selflessly for. Given any opportunity she would share her story with people. She knew the importance of telling the story forward so that people wouldn't lose sight of the freedom we have. She made sure we always had that importance at the forefront of our minds.

That is why it's vital to me that my children know the importance of never forgetting and never taking things for granted. Today's events that I witnessed just intensified how vital it is to impress the importance of remembrance on my children's lives & and my own, today and every day that comes before us!

Terry Kelly - A Pittance of Time (Official Version)

2010-11-11T23:00:00.001-06:00

Whispers

2010-11-08T23:15:00.007-06:00

"Right where I am I will do my best to breathe God's light into our world."

"Right where I am I will do my best to make our organization healthy."

"Right where I am I will not use anger as a leadership tool."

"Right where I am I will see to help solve addictive behaviours that numb my mind."

"Right where I am I will own up to what I've done wrong & make it right."

"We will reach out to the untouched & untouchables."

I went to a Leadership conference this past weekend. I came into it with some huge reservations & and also with some things that were crippling me. See, I had allowed something to take place in my heart that was very dangerous. I had bought into the lies of the "enemy" in a spiritual sense. I was at a place of believing I was failing at a whole lot of things, didn't believe that I was doing anything of worth in the many roles I find myself in and that someone more qualified probably should've attended the conference.

The phrases above were stated in the first 30 seconds of the introduction for the conference. And from that moment on, my pen flew on the pages of my notebook, frantically trying to get everything down. To sum things up in a nutshell...this conference messed me up big time! But that wasn't a bad thing, because I truly believe I needed to be messed up to begin realigning my mindset on life.

By the end of the first night's sessions, I got in my van to drive home. When I got home, I finished up some work and then broke down. Those sessions had messed with and that was a good thing. They constantly talked about NOT QUITTING...PRESSING ON...always remembering that you are a treasured child of the most high God and that He'll always be with you and NEVER leave you!

The one speaker spoke about quieting ourselves and listening to God's whispers. He talked about the fact God's whispers are often short...then he gave a list of some whispers:

1. Don't quit

2. Step up

3. Take the risk (You've been too safe)

4. Apologize now

5. Make the tough decision

6. Get help

7. Stop running from God

8. Slow down

9. Show your heart (Your team needs it)

10. Let others lead

11. Feed your soul

12. Bless the team

13. Make the ask (I need your help...courageous leaders make the ask)

14. Doing something more impactful

15. Come clean

16. Embody the vision

17. Celebrate the victories

18. Speak the truth

19. Pay the price

20. Count your blessings

21. End the secret

22. Check your motives

23. Set the pace

24. Give God your best

25. Get physically fit

26. Serve your spouse/kids

27. Pray

28. Humble yourself

Many of the whispers in this list were echoed repeatedly throughout the course of that night and the next day. It was overwhelming powerful...I don't think I could have guessed what was coming when I stepped into that building to partake of that conference! We took in a whole lot of awesome information and we were given many reflective questions & I've come home with a whole lot to process.

That night, one of the things we were asked to do was this:

"For the next couple of days, ask God to speak & listen for what He's saying. Later on we were instructed to take a minute right then and there to listen to God. Then we were to write down what He had said, if anything was said."

As I sit here with my notebook opened to that page, I'm blown away by what I wrote down in a couple of reflection times about what God said. He repeatedly spoke love, worth, peace & strength into my life...all of which was so badly needed. I thought I was the wrong person to be there, but God knew that was exactly where I was supposed to be and He ensured I knew He had shown up.

So I'll end things like this...

Do you believe that God still speaks today? Have you totally surrendered to God? Or are you just living out a script? Will you do everything in your power to hear His voice & heed it? Take a minute to listen God and see what He might be wanting to whisper to you!

A Clean Slate

2010-09-27T23:30:00.004-06:00

"I'm thankful that each day is a brand new one...a clean slate...a chance to continue to press on...simply doing life & embracing all there is to experience, if only I have the resolve to keep my eyes forward & not allow them to shift back to that which I can't change."

This morning when I logged onto Facebook, this was what came to mind, so it was what got posted as my status update for the day. A lot of things have been flying through my head and the underlying themes with everything is that I can't change the past, and going through life, looking back & beating myself up for every mistake & short-coming I've ever had will do no good and will only deter the forward motion that I'm created to have. But, the reality is that this falls into my hands. I am the only one who can find and keep the resolve to place my eyes forward and keep them there. So, I'm desperately trying to do that today and will wake up tomorrow and desperately try to do it again. And hopefully down the road, it will be a more natural & calm choice, instead of continuing to be a desperate action .

Martina McBride - Anyway

2010-06-17T21:57:00.001-06:00

Peaceful Conflict Resolution

2010-06-16T12:22:00.008-06:00

Peaceful Conflict Resolution

Respect the right to disagree.

Express your real concerns.
Share common goals and interests.

Open yourself to different points of view.

Listen carefully to all proposals.

Understand the major issues involved.

Think about probable consequences.

Imagine several possible alternative solutions.

Offer some reasonable compromises.

Negotiate mutually fair cooperative agreements.

--Robert E. Valett

Came across this in my drafts. I saw it last year on a poster which was hanging in the lunchroom I helped out in. I Googled it and printed out a copy which now hangs on the wall in my office, as a daily reminder of how I need to approach my job and life in general. I actually really want to print out another copy and hang it on the bulletin board in our kitchen...I think it could bring forth some really rich discussions.

I like the fact the first thing stressed is that it's OKAY to disagree and further down the list it also speaks about being open to different points of view. It then goes on to speak about the importance of voicing your real concerns, making sure you are hearing all points of view & proposals, think about reasonable outcomes and more to make sure you examine more than one outcome ('cause there's never really just one answer to a situation).

What struck me when I first saw this poster, and which continues to, is that if we start living these points out in our lives, I think we would find ourselves closer to being connected more fully with those around us. We would become a much more understanding people. We would begin to love and live life in a totally different way. And I think that new way of living out life would be much closer to how Jesus lived His life and deep down I believe He probably desires for us to live our lives.

Well, those are my thoughts at least...

Synchronicity

2010-01-14T07:24:00.007-06:00

This fall, after throwing out every excuse in the book (and there were A LOT in that list), I found myself saying yes to taking a class that was being offered at our church. This class is different than anything I've ever taken. It brought me out of my comfort zone, on many levels, right from the start. But now that I'm 3 1/2 months into it, I look back and realize that it's been a very good thing.

I had a conversation with a friend the other day about the fact, that more than once what's been discussed in class has come up in our church's Sunday morning sermon, which has allowed the dialogue to continue on in my brain.

"see, that's the kind of synchronicity we can expect when we're letting God speak through seemingly random spiritual disciplines."

My friend answered back about how cool the synchronicity is that happens when we let God speak through seemingly random things. Yeah it's very cool...on multiple levels. That synchronicity has me thinking often on the gravity of being open enough to let God speak through every aspect of life, even the ones that don't have any connection in our mind or those that we don't really think anything could be spoken through. It comes with the responsibility of being prepared to go deeper...and to embrace all that entails. To look deep within...to hear the, "Whys and questions" which will inevitably come out of that process. Being prepared to face those, "Whys and questions" that surface and both the good & the bad that comes from that. It means being willing to peel away the layers of this life and honestly find answers...not to just fly off quick and easy surface responses, but instead to allow deep and purposeful responses to arise.

What I'm finally beginning to realize, is that the journey deeper is one which will eventually bring you to a place of realizing how awesome His love is for each one of us. It will bring forth the challenge to see yourself through His eyes...to see all that He sees when He looks at you, rather than viewing yourself through human eyes.

For me, even though it's a really cool process to experience, I also find it very scary at times. But then I look back and see where I've come from and that brings forth strength to journey on...to jump the hurdles of fear and to continue to penetrate deeper. Inevitably I've found myself going down some of the tunnels of life that I said I would never visit again...sometimes coming back out of them seeing things in a very different light than I ever saw them before or simply coming back out feeling a little less entrapped by the anger, pain, confusion, etc. of some of those tunnels.

“You’re my son (daughter). I’m crazy about you and well into everything you do.” (Rob Lacey)

This quote was read at the end of our service on Sunday...the daughter portion was added in for those of us who were of the female variety in the crowd. I found a lot of comfort in it...in knowing that no matter what, I have a Heavenly Father who's crazy about every aspect of me. And I was challenged...to begin living my life with that same kind of love. To live life with a deep love... in every circumstance I find myself. A deep love that I'll readily offer to every person that crosses my path, including the one I see in the mirror each day and also to the Heavenly Father who never leaves my side.

Mr Bean - Nativity Scene

2009-12-25T21:32:00.001-06:00

Christmas Turkey

2009-12-25T21:30:00.001-06:00

Mr. Bean Christmas On the Street

2009-12-25T21:29:00.001-06:00

We've had an awesome time celebrating with family today. Our kids received the Mr. Bean box set and we've spent some quality time laughing at our favourite Mr. Bean Christmas scenes.

Who Am I?

2009-11-15T22:57:00.001-06:00

Who am I? They often tell me
I stepped from my cell's confinement
Calmly, cheerfully, firmly,
Like a squire from his country-house.
Who am I? They often tell me
I used to speak to my warders
Freely and friendly and clearly,
As though it were mine to command.
Who am I? They also tell me
I bore the days of misfortune
Equally, smilingly, proudly,
Like one accustomed to win.

Am I then really all that which other men tell of?
Or am I only what I myself know of myself?
Restless and longing and sick, like a bird in a cage,
Struggling for breath, as though hands were
Compressing my throat,
Yearning for colors, for flowers, for voices of birds,
Thirsting for words of kindness, for neighborliness,
Tossing in expectation of great events,
Powerlessly trembling for friends at an infinite distance,
Weary and empty at praying, at thinking, at making,
Faint, and ready to say farwell to it all?

Who am I? This or the other?
Am I one person today and tomorrow another?
Am I both at once? A hypocrite before others,
And before myself a contemptibly woebegone weakling?
Or is something within me still like a beaten army,
Fleeing in disorder from victory already achieved?
Who am I? They mock me, these lonely questions of mine.
Whoever I am, Thou knowest, O God, I am Thine!

~ Dietrich Bonhoeffer

2009-02-18T21:43:00.002-06:00

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back from captivity."

~ Jeremiah 29.11-14

Hmmm...the one verse that characterizes the journey of our family. One that we look to often, even more so in times of crisis. And tonight this picture seems to fit the verse like a glove in my mind for one reason or another. Maybe because the pictures signifies a time when I encountered God in a very real way...brings me back to this really peaceful moment and place found in this beautiful country ravaged by civil war.

But the other reason is that it signifies for me a visual of what it takes to completely and totally trust that He does indeed have plans for you. And then not only to trust that, but to give up control and let yourself be led down the path He has in mind, even though you can't see what's around the corner.

Never an easy thing...especially when through our human eyes the path He's directing towards seems far from what we might consider a hopeful future.

Thank You

2009-01-21T22:55:00.000-06:00

I found myself writing in my journal yesterday for what seemed like the first time in a very long time. The past while I've lost track of many things, especially of who I truly am and what things I need to do in order to truly commune with God, even on the simplest of levels.

Yesterday as I wrote I began to say, "Thank You" to God for Sunday. This past Sunday, He set things up so that I ended coming into church late. My kids were sitting with my sister and because I couldn't find them, I snuck in the back row...it was empty and I felt draw to sit there. And then began one of the most amazing experiences I've had with God in quite a while. I met with Him just like it was the first time. Despite the fact the room was really full, it was like there wasn't a single soul in that room except God and I. And as in the picture above, my arms were raised and I felt His Spirit gently wrapping around me, making it ever known that He was right there with me.

Honestly, I've been living in the wilderness for a while...am still probably on the fringe. But on Sunday He made it known that no matter where I walk, He'll also be right there with me...even though I might not feel like He is.

I've been listening to this song almost daily...it seems a fitting way to end this post. He truly does take us as He finds us and uses us for His purposes, because He truly is mighty to save.

Mighty to Save
Hillsong Australia

Everyone needs compassion,
Love that's never failing;
Let mercy fall on me.

Everyone needs forgiveness,
The kindness of a Saviour;
The Hope of nations.

Saviour, He can move the mountains,
My God is Mighty to save,
He is Mighty to save.

Forever, Author of salvation,
He rose and conquered the grave,
Jesus conquered the grave.

So take me as You find me,
All my fears and failures,
Fill my life again.

I give my life to follow
Everything I believe in,
Now I surrender.

My Saviour, He can move the mountains,
My God is Mighty to save,
He is Mighty to save.

Forever, Author of salvation,
He rose and conquered the grave,
Jesus conquered the grave. (x2)

Shine your light and let the whole world see,
We're singing for the glory of the risen King...Jesus (x2)

My Saviour, He can move the mountains,
My God is Mighty to save,
He is Mighty to save.

Forever, Author of salvation,
He rose and conquered the grave,
Jesus conquered the grave. (x2)

Shine your light and let the whole world see,
We're singing for the glory of the risen King...Jesus. (x4)

Breaking Free of the Addiction

2009-01-19T12:05:00.008-06:00

Addiction
A physical or psychological need for a habit-forming substance, such as a drug or alcohol. In physical addiction, the body adapts to the substance being used and gradually requires increased amounts to reproduce the effects originally produced by smaller doses.

The one thing I've already realized this year is how easy a person can allow themselves to become enslaved to something without even realizing they were enslaved at all.

And yes, this image is portraying what I allowed my body to become enslaved to. Yes, I purchased it and drank it, but didn't realize how much I was consuming. How do you not know this? I don't really have a good answer for you, except to say DENIAL!!

So I've started this year off on an interesting note. I told God that I want to be free of this. I want to come to him for all things, instead of turning to consuming something when under stress, etc. I made the decision to quit purchasing and consuming and quit cold turkey.

Have to confess that I don't know if the cold turkey method was the right approach to take. It's definitely been a much harder road than I thought it would ever be. As in the words of a friend..."it's really eating at you, isn't it!" Yes, it is eating at me...more some days than others. Would love to say that I can walk by a huge display in the store and I don't give it a second thought, but that would definitely be a lie.

But every day that ends as another one free of that substance entering my body is an awesome thing. And the differences in attitude and ability to handle stress and work load have been eye-opening. I'm a different person and that difference makes me a much better wife, mom, friend, co-worker, etc. and that's the best reason of all to continue on the journey to be free of it!

State of Refusal

2009-01-16T17:11:00.009-06:00

Have you ever known you were supposed to step out in faith and do something? A time when He's deeply speaking, it makes complete sense and feels right? But yet you made the choice to refuse based on residue from a past attempt to step out?

Who knows, maybe I'm just crazy, but that's very much where I am. God's telling me to go and I want to badly, but there have been questions posed about things in the past and questioning of why I really think I'm supposed to go, that I don't know if I'm can put myself out there just o be stomped down yet again.

Why the picture? That's where He's telling me I'm supposed to go...since the day we returned from there a couple of years ago He's been speaking that I needed to prepare to go back. Last year I even filled out a ton of paperwork in preparation to apply to go and ended up ripping it up and throwing it away, because some questions I fielded caused me to question and buy into the fact I'm never going back, that I'm not able to be a good enough team member...one whom can work through all people in whatever circumstances present themselves, that I'm a mom and too old to be on a team and therefore do not fit the mold of what a team member should be.

So now I sit, and right now, in a state of refusal. It's basically a protection of the heart...trying to avoid any more hurt than that which has already come. There aren't many words to say what that feels like...basically...crushed and heart broken...and wondering why God allowed my heart to meet, fellowship and begin to love people and a place so deeply, when He knew that would cause me to want to go back and minister in whatever was required of me, yet only to make it seem impossible to ever go back, even though He's saying to.

So now I sit at a crossroads...to drop the refusal and step out, despite what others might think, to step out but go somewhere completely different and see what comes from it or to risk not going anywhere at all.

2 Minutes of Silence

2008-11-11T14:16:00.001-06:00

Brokenness

2008-10-08T00:51:00.005-06:00

As I attended a city-wide prayer service tonight, I found myself grabbing paper and allowing myself to worship and pray with paper and a pen. To many it might seem like jibberish, but to me it's a snapshot of who He is at different points in my life. Things He is to me...the picture above is from a different time, but it's reassuring to me to look at this and know that no matter what's going on in life, I'm able to hold tight to Him. Because with Him all things are possible...

I've been on a fast from music for a couple of days and as I logged on to write something, these were the first lyrics I fell upon (yes, I have quite a few lyrics stored up in my drafts section...past lyrics heard often spark a blog in my mind). So now as I formulate what to say I have this song playing.

Broken and Beautiful
Mark Schultz

There’s a businessman

There’s a widowed wife

There’s a smiling face with a shattered life

There’s a teenage girl with a choice to make

It’s crowded here in church today

And the preacher says as the sermon ends

Please close your eyes and bow your heads

Is there anyone in need of prayer

Jesus wants to meet you here ‘cause we all fall short

We all have sinned

But when you let God’s Grace break in…

(Chorus)

It’s beautiful

Beautiful

Come as you are

Surrender your heart

Broken and beautiful

Well he’d never been to church before

But he came today as a last resort

His world was crashing in

And he was suffocating in his sin

But tears ran down

As hope rushed in

He closed his eyes

Raised his hands

Worshiping the God who can

Bring him back to life again

(Chorus)

Cause there’s nothing more beautiful to God
Than when his sons and daughters come
Broken

Alleluia
Alleluia
Come as you are

(Chorus)

Broken and beautiful

Beautiful

This song reminds me so much of the journey I'm on. I'm a pretty private person, so the journey's not something I discuss with many people. But I will say that there's huge freedom when you're able to come to the point of realizing it's okay to be broken...that it's a truly beautiful thing...to be broken. He's so much more at ease with us being broken then trying to give off a perception of anything else.

Coming to a place of accepting what He already knows, sees and loves, so as to grow closer to Him and stronger for Him. A pretty important life goal to have...a goal that takes longer for some to see than others. But in all reality, the time length doesn't matter to Him...the commitment to that goal is what matters in His eyes.

Worth...

2008-09-08T13:02:00.004-06:00

“The Christian self-image means understanding that your worth is found in your amazing dignity as God's image bearer.”

~ Point of Grace

Mountains Blocking the View of God

2008-09-06T21:26:00.004-06:00

"Isn't it interesting how seeing the face of God may very well entail gazing deeply into our own, regardless of our fear of that?"

Yes, it's not that I have completely forgot about blogging...I simply haven't been able to write for a variety of reasons...busyness of life, because I didn't want to write posts if they had a dark feeling looming over them, plain old writer's block to name a few...but I decided if I waited for an optimum time to write, or for the right words to hit the screen, then I'd never write. The comment above came in an email and got me thinking. I figured if I saved it at this venue, eventually I would make it around to attempting to write something...so here goes nothing.

This summer's entailed a lot for me...one thing I've come away with is that I want to know God deeper, and also, truly know & see myself as He does. I'm at a point where I'm willing to do whatever it takes to get there. I know by even saying those words that it opens things up in the spiritual realm, 'cause there's that realm out there that really doesn't want us to draw closer to Him.

The above quote was stated to me by a friend. It is indeed very interesting. There are monkeys that get on people's backs and in their faces. But sometimes the biggest obstacle that's in the way of us seeing God's face is ourselves. And to make that mountain even bigger is the fear of having to truly look in the mirror, see ourselves for who we are (the person He knows we are...loves deeply...and accepts right where we're at, not expecting anymore than that) and offer that same grace and acceptance that He offers us every moment of each day.

Maybe for some people this is an easy task. For me it's NEVER been an easy task. My hope is that one day it will be an easier thing for me to do. I long for that day. I long for the peace, strength, renewal, joy and deep communion that will bring.

I've been listening to this song a fair bit today. Seemed like a fitting way to end this post. It talks about some of those mountains that block the view of God. It's also a good reminder about the fact you will always come upon forks in the road of life...and you have to consciously make a decision at every one. You can continue to reach out for help and guidance even when it's difficult. He knows the situation...He'll reach back, meet you right where you're at and pour out all you need to continue. The difficulty comes when you make the second decision and choose to not reach out and allow yourself to be drowned with all He has, and wants, to offer. The choice to walk down a path alone and without direction.

Seems like an easy thing to write in black and white, but not always so easy when faced with the decision in real time...

Sunshine
(Kara Williamson)

Forgive me Lord for I have sinned
And I've been places
I should never have been
And I'm tired of feeling guilty

All the time
Lost in a whirlwind
A thunderstorm raging deep within
And only You can save me
Lord come and save me

You are my sunshine
You are my rainbow
Even when it's raining inside
You fill my heart with sunshine
You are the silver line
Making all things beautiful
Bursting through each cloud of mine
You fill my heart with sunshine

I lift my hands to greet the rain
And praise You through each drop of pain
For hope could never disappoint me now

Light of the world come pouring down
Till in Your glory I am drowned
And only You can save me
I know You can save me

Lord let Your love rain down on me
Lord let Your glory come and set me free

Bless and Be Blessed

2008-06-18T09:05:00.006-06:00

When I was over at Just so you'll know I had a chance to watch this link http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LfeXxkbgCVE. It was a good way to start today. Reminded me of something my friend often says...bless and be blessed!

A Little Worship Photography

2008-06-17T22:49:00.006-06:00

I've had the chance to attend one full night and another partial night of a "Worship Module" being held at my church. Being that it's smack in the midst of soccer season, to even attend a little bit is a good thing. Anyhow, last week I came back to work and decided I just wanted to spend some time photographing the back wall of our church. We have this really awesome mural at the back. I know that everyone who looks at the mural sees different things, but I took the opportunity to take some close up pics for specific reasons.

You see, when I look at the first one, it reminds of the fact that my church is a sanctuary. When I'm in a bad spot, I like to go to the church and just be. I like the image of the church because it reminds me of ours. We are a unique and loving bunch.

I love the image of the guy. He's looking forward and not backwards. Exactly how we're supposed to be. We can't change the past, can't be consumed by the immediate happenings of today...we have to be living with the end in mind. Fix our eyes on the end, realizing that there'll be many twists and turns, detours and dead-ends.

Well, I took more, but I'm not going to put them all up...it's late and been a very busy week...let's face it, I'm tired! If you want to see a full size shot of the mural and reason for it's happening, you can go http://northvus.blogspot.com/2005/10/was-only-joke.html, http://northvus.blogspot.com/2006/05/depth-to-surface.html.

Have to say it's definately been a great experience to step out and learn to worship God in different pathways other than the norm. Especially through photography and art, as they are very refreshing to me. I think there's a lot of freedom in learning to worship your way, despite whether it's the way those around you would choose to enter in.

It's nice that He brings those life lessons, especially in the midst of life running at insane paces. That's a real sweet blessing...

Valuable Words

2008-05-21T07:36:00.002-06:00

I received an email yesterday with some pretty good life lessons...

DON'T HURT ANYONE!

"It only takes a few seconds to hurt people you love, and it can take years to heal."

LIVE TODAY!

"There are two eternities that can really break you down. Yesterday and Tomorrow. One is gone and the other doesn't exist...so live today."

MARRIAGE!

"Do not marry a person that you know that you can live with; only marry someone that you cannot live without."

MONEY!

"Money can buy everything but happiness."

TRUST!

"It takes years to build trust and a few seconds to destroy it."

VALUE!

"What is most valuable is not what you have in your life, but who you have in your life."

Carrying Arms...

2008-05-20T16:17:00.003-06:00

He Will Carry Me

(Mark Schultz)

I call, You hear me

I’ve lost it all

And it’s more than I can bear

I feel so empty

You’re strong

I’m weary

I’m holdin’ on

But I feel like givin’ in

But still You’re with me

chorus:

And even though I’m walkin’ through

The valley of the shadow

I will hold tight to the hand of Him

Whose love will comfort me

And when all hope is gone

And I’ve been wounded in the battle

He is all the strength that I will

Ever need

And He will carry me

I know I’m broken

But You alone

Can mend this heart of mine

You’re always with me

chorus

And even though I feel so lonely

Like I’ve never been before

You never said it would be easy

But You said you’d see me through

The storm

chorus

This song has been playing the last couple of days in my van, at some point during my trek. I've been digging deep the past while. Looking towards Him and trying hard to see the many blessings through the storm(s). Funny how storms come in a variety of forms. For our house it's seemed like endless illness or pesky childhood bugs and also through simply the busyness of life and constant demands that simply come from all the different aspects of life.

A lot of prayers have been lifted up from my mouth, to simply give me strength to endure what's ahead. To be a beacon of light in whatever situation arises. And for it to be all Him and not me.

He didn't ever promise this life would be easy. If anything, The Word tells that it won't be easy, especially when you stand up and proclaim Him as your Saviour.

But He did sacrifice His life for us. And He will stand by us through the storms, through the life decisions we make and even when we are alone, we are never really alone, because He's always there, ready to carry someone when they feel they can't take another step.

"If you'll hold on to me for dear life," says God, "I'll get you out of any trouble. I'll give you the best of care if you'll only get to know and trust me. Call me and I'll answer, be at your side in bad times; I'll rescue you, then throw you a party. I'll give you a long life, give you a long drink of salvation!"

~ Psalm 91.14-16

Drowning...

2008-05-02T08:16:00.001-06:00

40 Days
(by Mark Schultz)

Lord, I came to the mountaintop
To be with You
I felt Your grace falling down like rain
And I was made new

But there are times like now when I’m all dried out

(Chorus)

And it’s like 40 days out in the desert
Feeling like I’m lost forever
And crying out for You
But in these 40 days I’m going to seek You
With my heart because I believe You
Have brought me to this place
These 40 days

Lord, Your ways are not my own
But I trust You
Lord, You say, “You are not alone,
For I am with you”

But there are times like now when You can’t be found

(Chorus)

‘Cause You are with me
You never leave me
Even when my world turns upside down
‘Cause there are times like now when I will
Trust somehow

(Chorus)

Well, there is a light at the end of the tunnel…I know

I really feel like this song today. I feel like I'm lost and drowning...that life's crushing down and I can't catch my breath. The peace of God feels so far away. It really sucks. Shouldn't be that way, but life right now seems as far away from peace as you can possibly get.

Offerings

2008-04-13T08:34:00.006-06:00

My Offering

(by The Longing)

I lay it all down, my dreams and my crowns

Lord, I surrender

I lay it all down, my fear and my doubt

Lord I surrender, Lord I surrender

My heart like never before

Lord, I wanna give you everything

I wanna give you everything

This is my offering

Give me the strength, enough for today

Lord, I surrender

Show me your way, give me the grace

Lord to surrender, Lord I surrender

All I have, I bring to You

To You, Lord

I have this song on a CD my hubby got from Promise Keepers (well, actually, I looked at the CD as I was registering him on-line and purchased it :D). He likes the CD, but I really knew I would like it as well. Some days I guess I'm a little sneaky...tend to get like that when it comes to music.

Actually while I sit here typing this song is playing on my iPod. It's become like a daily prayer for me. Life has been going at a really insane pace. It's a pace which would usually drive me over the edge, but I've been working to do changes and apparently they seem to be having some effect. Thank you for that one!!

We had two deaths in our family the past three weeks, one funeral last week which I couldn't attend due to distance and one tomorrow that I will attend on behalf of my family, as they won't be able to attend this one. That's been 5 deaths since January (two of my extended family, my friend who lost her battle with cancer, one person I knew from youth group person and a next door neighbour I grew up playing and going to school with)...there tends to come a point when you dread answering the phone in some aspects. Honestly don't know what the voice will say on the other end.

It's brought to the forefront of my mind how important it is to realize we ultimately have no control. Life becomes a different ballgame when that's completely accepted. Some days it's really hard. Some days I feel like there's nothing to even offer up to Him to use, but He simply asks us to bring what we have, surrender it completely and willingly to Him and He'll use it in ways we can't even comprehend!

So as I prepare for this day, and prepare to be with family (most who don't know Him) tomorrow, as they mourn, I simply say to Him, "Here's all of me...I'm bringing it to You...use this offering in the way You see most fitting...I'll listen for what You lead and will follow!"

Empty Canvas

2008-03-30T16:34:00.004-06:00

In the past month, due to a lot of circumstances, I've found myself drawn back to writing. Am beginning to want to pick back up the journals I placed down quite a while ago. I am very slowly also starting to put pencil, colour and paint to paper and draw and paint my prayers, frustrations and dreams.

A few days ago, I drew out an image which had been in my dreams the previous nights before. The truth is that a lot of people would probably look at it and not understand why I would draw it. But, once it began to take shape, clarity began to come, in terms of what it meant. I drew a pencil outline of an image of half a Gerbera daisy and the other half of the sheet of paper was painted black.

The prompting of what the picture meant was that we are beautifully created by God. There's a part of us already visible to ourselves and the people around us, but there's still a whole other part that is yet to be discovered. He deeply knows every part of us, especially that darkened part and in His perfect timing, will reveal more and more pieces of the puzzle to us and those around us.

As I've continued to look at this image over the passing days and contemplate on the meaning, I realize that there are many decisions we are called to make. They make no sense at the time...they might very well cut deep and hurt to make them...they might cause anger, confusion, pain, etc. But even as we make them, He knows what the end result of the picture will ultimately be. That decision is one small piece in a huge puzzle yet to be uncovered and pieced together.

In the end He wraps round us with deep love and understanding when those hard decisions are made, simply for the fact we step out in blind faith, despite how hard the results of those actions might feel afterwards. For me, there's great comfort in that.

Engulfing Presence

2008-03-28T17:26:00.006-06:00

I Cling to the Cross

(by Paul Baloche)

I cling to the cross and everything it means
I know it's the only hope there is for saving me
For without Your great mercy
I would be forever lost
With a thankful heart I come
And cling to the cross

Standing at the empty tomb
Promises I have in You arise
I was made alive in You
Everything You said was true
You suffered, died, and rose to bring us life

I cling to the cross and everything it means
I know it's the only hope there is for saving me
For without Your great mercy
I would be forever lost
With a thankful heart I come (Jesus I come)
With a thankful heart I come
With a thankful heart I come and cling to the cross

The world behind me, the cross before me
The world behind me, the cross before me
The world behind me, the cross before me
No turning back, no turning back

I had the chance to listen to this song this morning. It ministered to me and reassured of His deep presence right now. This morning, I sat in quietness of His presence. No matter what might be on my heart, I'm so very grateful for the cross and I cling to it. It's the foundation that wraps around even when nothing makes sense. Some days there is a sense of joy and other days are those where that uncertainty and those questions are heavy and you simply cry out for His presence to wrap around and engulf.

"Be still, and know that I am God"

~ Psalm 46:10(a)

Disheartened Spirit

2008-03-27T19:44:00.002-06:00

He told them, "You don't get to know the time. Timing is the Father's business. What you'll get is the Holy Spirit. And when the Holy Spirit comes on you, you will be able to be my witnesses in Jerusalem, all over Judea and Samaria, even to the ends of the world."

~ Acts 1.7-8

I have been praying up a decision for a while. I came to a really hard conclusion today. Have to say that I haven't felt this way since we made the decision to move a few years ago. My heart hurts really bad tonight.

There are a few reasons for choosing this picture to accompany my post. First, the decision involved where this picture was taken. Second, this was a very peaceful place for me. It was quiet and refreshing. Lastly, it portrays for me the mixture of the heart I'm feeling right now - a place that's a little dark, disheartening and resigned, but yet is peaceful and securely in the hand of God.

I'm still trying to get my head around this decision. I'm still trying to get my head around where God's direction will lead next. If it will ever lead back to the place so firmly on my heart. I'm trying hard to understand and simply rest in the 'peace that passes all understanding'. I have to admit that I'm struggling big time with it.

As I sit here, I truly believe He understands those disheartening feelings, those feelings of resignment. He calls us to make decisions we don't always understand or like. I don't think He expects us to always be able to do it with a joyful heart and spirit. It's just simply expected we'll follow on what is felt that He's leading and know that even though we might not understand things now, the picture will unfold in His perfect timing.

The minute I said, "I'm slipping, I'm falling," your love, God, took hold and held me fast. When I was upset and beside myself, you calmed me down and cheered me up.

~ Psalm 94.18-19

Rhythms of Life

2008-03-26T14:24:00.004-06:00

"Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly."

~ Matthew 11.28-30

I'm currently in the midst of a Bible study assignment, where I'm supposed to find verses which speak of resting in God. Seems really fitting for me...I was actually relieved when our study group took a turn this way. I think sometimes people think I'm clueless in observing the chaotic nature of my life. I'm not...I'm very well away of the chaos which is so often there. There are many moments when I long for that chaos to be replaced with peace and gentler rhythm of life. And sometimes it does simply happen on its own and other times there needs to be a push in some way, shape or form, in order for that change of pace to occur.

I guess what keeps coming to my mind lately is the fact we so often want to be a help to the people around us. We want to be that support and help with taking some of the chaos away from someone's life, but it's not our responsibility. Even though we might see it and know that they are heading to disaster, sometimes lessons simply have to be learned. Many times those lessons come in ways we might not understand at all or like.

I was away for a few days with my family. It was truly amazing to me, how simply by taking us away from our environment and responsibilities, that rest came. We were able to live at a slower pace...just hang out and actually have time to talk. It also gave time for silence and time with God. And many revelations came from that time.

The realization came that you don't always have to be talking when you are meeting with God. There are times when there might be complete and utter silence. That's okay...maybe it simply means that it's been way too long since you've met together and you need to get reacquainted before conversations starts.

I'm really resting in Matthew 11.28-30. It's one of my favorite passages of scripture. It brings much comfort and peace...

Unique Blockheads

2008-03-10T13:13:00.007-06:00

Now the body is not made up of one part but of many. If the foot should say, "Because I am not a hand, I do not belong to the body," it would not for that reason cease to be part of the body. And if the ear should say, "Because I am not an eye, I do not belong to the body," it would not for that reason cease to be part of the body. If the whole body were an eye, where would the sense of hearing be? If the whole body were an ear, where would the sense of smell be? But in fact God has arranged the parts in the body, every one of them, just as he wanted them to be. If they were all one part, where would the body be? As it is, there are many parts, but one body. The eye cannot say to the hand, "I don't need you!" And the head cannot say to the feet, "I don't need you!" On the contrary, those parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable, and the parts that we think are less honorable we treat with special honor. And the parts that are unpresentable are treated with special modesty, while our presentable parts need no special treatment. But God has combined the members of the body and has given greater honor to the parts that lacked it, so that there should be no division in the body, but that its parts should have equal concern for each other. If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it.
(1 Corinthians 12.14-26)

This passage of scripture was one of the ones read yesterday in the sermon. I've been thinking about it a lot. It actually hit me quite hard, as I read it. I try my hardest to make sure I don't portray an attitude of being better than anyone else. But the fact of the matter is that as I walked into church yesterday, I was having trouble seeing my purpose. I was battling through what tangible things I actually offer to those around me. So as I sit here today, I still am contemplating through those things.

This picture was on the cover of our bulletin this weekend. I really liked it. And the cool thing about a picture is the fact that depending on who looks at it, we will get a wide variety of commentaries on what it stands for.

Anyone who visits this blog knows I talk quite often about thinking outside of the box. But when I look at this picture right now, it brings to mind the fact that we all have a box we live in...they are all unique...some longer, some wider, some tall, some short, some newer, some ragged...but no matter what their appearance, they are all special and all have a purpose. They are specially chosen for the person who lives within it.

This past year I've been trying hard to reach to the far corners of my box and have been trying hard to be content with where I've been placed, no matter what the circumstances. Honestly, that's easier said than done some days. I have days where I can't see the purpose of my box even being where it is. I have days where I question whether or not I'm the correct person to even have ownership of that box.

But we all have a purpose. I know it would be a much easier life if we all knew that and believed it all the time. But I also think that there are times when He's okay with us questioning that purpose and place. For me, that questioning allows a fair amount of growth. It allows me to seek out the strength I need to endure a situation which is occurring. It allows me to find the faith to carry on, even when I can't fathom that it would lead to anything positive.

Right now I'm 'contemplating the medical maze'...trying to understand what makes no sense. Trying to deal with what's dealt in a positive way, so that despair doesn't set in. I'm looking at the blessings in my life, as then the spotlight is taken away from what I can't change.

As I look at the picture again, I'm also trying hard to carry my box in my arms, as then I'm not totally consumed with me. Then I will be able to see the people around me and serve them in whatever way I can at the time.

For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you. Just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, so in Christ we who are many form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. We have different gifts, according to the grace given us. If a man's gift is prophesying, let him use it in proportion to his faith. If it is serving, let him serve; if it is teaching, let him teach; if it is encouraging, let him encourage; if it is contributing to the needs of others, let him give generously; if it is leadership, let him govern diligently; if it is showing mercy, let him do it cheerfully.

(Romans 12.3-8)

God-Honouring?

2008-03-05T18:19:00.004-06:00

Romans 12.1-21
Place Your Life Before God

So here's what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You'll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you.

I'm speaking to you out of deep gratitude for all that God has given me, and especially as I have responsibilities in relation to you. Living then, as every one of you does, in pure grace, it's important that you not misinterpret yourselves as people who are bringing this goodness to God. No, God brings it all to you. The only accurate way to understand ourselves is by what God is and by what he does for us, not by what we are and what we do for him.

In this way we are like the various parts of a human body. Each part gets its meaning from the body as a whole, not the other way around. The body we're talking about is Christ's body of chosen people. Each of us finds our meaning and function as a part of his body. But as a chopped-off finger or cut-off toe we wouldn't amount to much, would we? So since we find ourselves fashioned into all these excellently formed and marvelously functioning parts in Christ's body, let's just go ahead and be what we were made to be, without enviously or pridefully comparing ourselves with each other, or trying to be something we aren't.

If you preach, just preach God's Message, nothing else; if you help, just help, don't take over; if you teach, stick to your teaching; if you give encouraging guidance, be careful that you don't get bossy; if you're put in charge, don't manipulate; if you're called to give aid to people in distress, keep your eyes open and be quick to respond; if you work with the disadvantaged, don't let yourself get irritated with them or depressed by them. Keep a smile on your face.

Love from the center of who you are; don't fake it. Run for dear life from evil; hold on for dear life to good. Be good friends who love deeply; practice playing second fiddle.

Don't burn out; keep yourselves fueled and aflame. Be alert servants of the Master, cheerfully expectant. Don't quit in hard times; pray all the harder. Help needy Christians; be inventive in hospitality.

Bless your enemies; no cursing under your breath. Laugh with your happy friends when they're happy; share tears when they're down. Get along with each other; don't be stuck-up. Make friends with nobodies; don't be the great somebody.

Don't hit back; discover beauty in everyone. If you've got it in you, get along with everybody. Don't insist on getting even; that's not for you to do. "I'll do the judging," says God. "I'll take care of it."

Our Scriptures tell us that if you see your enemy hungry, go buy that person lunch, or if he's thirsty, get him a drink. Your generosity will surprise him with goodness. Don't let evil get the best of you; get the best of evil by doing good.

I know I've probably posted this scripture before. I shared with the older kids of our church on Sunday, that this is the passage I go to when I'm angry or sad. Then I went into a talk about Sri Lanka, sour skittles, masks and loving people and being there for them in all circumstances.

Really, this is the passage I go to in all circumstances, especially when I'm wanting to 'turtle' and put a mask over my life. Right now I'm in this weird twist of sadness, questioning, a lot of tiredness, some anger and sheer frustration. I asked a friend today about discouragement and how it works into the Christian life. Their answer was that it's a honest response to what's taking place. That you can't stuff it or deny it or it will live within you and turn you into a person of despair. They ended with these words..."the trick is to meaningfully express it in such a way that God is honoured."

So I sit and contemplate as to how I can meaningfully express things and honour God, especially when I'm fighting that urge to just 'turtle' and mask...basically stuff and deny it.

Processing A Lot...

2008-02-29T22:45:00.008-06:00

All My Praise

(Selah)

I will follow You through green pastures

And sing hallelujah to Your Name

I will follow You through dark disaster

And sing hallelujah through the pain

And even in the shadow of death

I will praise You

And even in the valley I will say

Holy, My God

You are worthy of all my praise

Holy, My God

You are worthy of all my praise

You are seated on your throne in heaven

And You see all of us down here

And You have promised You will not abandon

So I shall not fear

And even in the shadow of death

I will praise You

And even in the valley I will say

Holy, My God

You are worthy of all my praise

Holy, My God

You are worthy of all my praise

You made every star

And You taught it how to shine

You knew my name before there was time

And all this was just part of Your glorious design

Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Holy, My God

You are worthy of all my praise

Holy, My God

You are worthy of all my praise

Have listened to this song a lot today. It goes hand in hand with the thought that if you praise, you'll have trouble staying discouraged. It's definitely been an interesting week. Just received news from home that our old next neighbour's child died early this morning. He was a year younger than me. He had cancer, but had won that battle. We grew up together, went to school together. It's a tragedy for his family...this year is the 10th year anniversary of his sister dying...another family member was buried a few weeks ago.

I just don't understand at this moment. But then again, we're not supposed to always understand what's going down.

Torn Up Inside...

2008-02-29T16:56:00.013-06:00

Without You

(Bebo Norman)

Take these hands and lift them up

For I have not the strength to praise You near enough

For I have nothing, I have nothing without You

Take my voice and pour it out

Let it sing the songs of mercy I have found

For I have nothing, I have nothing without You

All my soul needs

Is all Your love to cover me

So all the world will see

That I have nothing without You

Take my body and build it up

May it be broken as an offering of love

For I have nothing, I have nothing without You

All my soul needs

Is all Your love to cover me

So all the world will see

That I have nothing

But I love You

With all my heart

With all my soul

With all my mind

With all the strength that I can find

Take my time here on this earth

And let it glorify all that You are worth

For I am nothing, I am nothing without You

This song was playing in the van as I drove the kids to swimming lessons yesterday. It brought me to a place of wiping the tears away as I drove...they simply wouldn't stop. You see, it's been a hard week. A precious woman of God in my life went into the palliative care unit on Monday. I knew there was a chance it would come, but continued to hold on strong to the possibility of God performing a beautiful miracle by restoring her body from the cancer that ravaged her body. But yesterday morning, as I answered the phone at work, I received the call that she had passed away. I never prepared myself for the fact I might be the one who took that call and it rocked me more than I ever could have imagined.

You see, we haven't been in this city quite 3 years yet, so a lot would probably look and say I didn't know her that well so why would I be so upset. But I had the privilege of being friends with her baby brother and his wife in our previous city. When she first got sick with cancer, I began to pray alongside her family, despite the fact I didn't know the sound of her voice or what she looked like or what her family looked like. But even then I knew she was precious and a faithful and loving woman of God, because I saw her through her baby brother's family's eyes.

Then when we moved, I finally met her and she was so very precious. We made memories talking in the front foyer of the church, at our time around the Wednesday prayer circle, watching kids for the M2M group, having coffee together, etc. She was truly special. She was one of the few people who sensed when I was sick and would call and just talk with me. Every time that occurred I was strengthened and encouraged.

I honestly don't think I was nearly as faithful a friend to her as she was to me. Being a young mom ends up making life insane sometimes, especially when I was homeschooling. Deep down I know she knew how much I loved and appreciated her, despite that busyness that occurred.

You know, I may not have known her as long as others around me, but I loved her. You couldn't not love her once you knew her. She was an example to me of how to live for Christ, to be a wife and a mom. I didn't get to see her in the hospital this week...when I was there, I wanted the family to have as much time with her as possible. I did bring sustenance and spend time with with her family. I believe that's what I was supposed to do and if the roles had been reversed, exactly what she would have done. In the words of my husband..."she knew you were there." Now I will pray alongside them and be there in whatever tangible way is needed.

I was blessed to see her a few weeks ago and spent an hour talking with her. She talked with me about the importance of balance in my life....with work and my family. She made me promise to unplug my phone on my days off (or at least stringently use my caller ID). She took so much comfort in my sharing how our work team was faithful about watching each other's back and lifting each other and our families up in prayer. She stressed over and over again the importance of my kids and family and that at the end of the day, they are all that truly matters. We do the things we do for their well-being and only have a short time with them, so we need to embrace it.

Those words, that time and all the other memories of being with my friend are speaking deeply to me today. I know they will continue to speak deeply, as I work through why she left this earth at the age of 46, when in my mind, she had so many years left to live out with her husband and kids. I know she wants us to have peace in knowing she was ready to go home and be with her Father. And eventually that will come, but I think for a time, there will be a tearing up inside and longing for what's been lost. In my mind, that's perfectly okay! It's normal and healthy...there would be more questions I believe if that didn't occur.

The pictures throughout this post are some that I took with my kids this weekend. We simply picked up the camera and had some fun together. Yes, I'm on the infamous Facebook and created an album which will house pictures of simply embracing the blessings in this life. I said in the description that to many, it will simply be a bunch of pictures, but every time I look at it, I will always remember my friend, the times we spent together and drink deeply from the love, advice, care and concern she always offered me.

"Anyone who welcomes you welcomes me. And anyone who welcomes me welcomes the One who sent me. Suppose someone welcomes a prophet as a prophet. That one will receive a prophet's reward. And suppose someone welcomes a godly person as a godly person. That one will receive a godly person's reward. Suppose someone gives even a cup of cold water to a little one who follows me. What I'm about to tell you is true. That one will certainly be rewarded."
~ Matthew 10.40-42

Living With Love

2008-02-01T11:16:00.000-06:00

The real problem is not why some pious, humble, believing people suffer, but why some do not.

~ C.S. Lewis

This quote is laying heavy on my heart today. I'm a thinker and often find myself trying to figure things out. But some things, especially those about suffering and the rhyme and reason to it, we're just not supposed to ever completely understand. He understands and has a glorious plan in it all, even when it might not seem that way through the suffering, pain, grief, sorrow and so many other things so evident in today's world. The job for us to simply trust His plan and know that He wants the best and that things don't have to always be good in order for His best to shine through.

As I write this, I'm reminded of just living this life in the present. My little girl's dancing around the room singing to her CD...

God help me remember what I need to do
Help me serve others in everything I do
When I'm walking, when I'm running
When I'm standing or when I'm jumping

Every step I take, every move I make
It must be done in love
Everything I say, everything I do
It must be done in love
Yeah, it must be done in love
Oh, it must be done in love
It must be done in love...hey!
(Group Seregenti Trek VBS CD, Sing, Play and Roar)

We don't need understand everything, even though things sometimes are confusing, hurt and break our heart. We just need to live for him...shine for Him in all we do...and we can simply do this by living in love.

Overwhelmed

2008-01-24T00:40:00.000-06:00

Not By Might

(by Robin Mark)

No not by might, nor ev - en power,

But by your spir - it O Lord.

Heal - er of hearts, Bind - er of wounds,

Lives that are lost, re - store

Flow through this land, Till eve - ry man

Prai - ses Your name once more.

I sang this song with my worship team a couple of weeks ago. It's been in my mind ever since. Such a strong portrayal of who He is and how much He truly loves us. His deepest desire is for every person to praise His name and know Him deeply. To be in communion with Him and know Him as their healer, restorer, comforter, loving father.

I fail so often, but at the end of day He's there to pick me up. Always by my side, allowing me to live this life with free will, but always willing to grant His mercy.

I'm overwhelmed by this tonight...truly overwhelmed. It's a blessing beyond words or description...one that deserves continuous thanksgiving.

The Time or The Hour

2008-01-14T12:51:00.000-06:00

As I sit here typing, my mind's a lot of kilometers away in my home town. My friend and his family and their friends are preparing to say goodbye to their daughter, sister, aunt, friend and everything else she was. See I knew his sister...my sister worked with her. We had just recently found each other on Facebook...this online avenue which has become a huge way of reconnection for me with people from the past. A week ago today, she came home, said hello to her family and died.

This event rocked me. Drove home the point of concentrating on what's important, not living with regret or withholding things until tomorrow, because you never know what lies ahead in the future. So as I sit and type, this family is heavy on my heart.

I began the day out reading Chapter 39: Balancing Your Life and Chapter 40: Living With Purpose out of the Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren. There have been a lot of changes already made in my life and our house, in order to try and achieve a better sense of balance and time together. I believe there will always continue to be things that need tweaked and changed, but the important thing is being aware of the fact that will probably have to happen.

I've been thinking a lot about many things read this morning. This passage was one of many which has been at the forefront..."How do you know when God is at the centre of your life? When God's at the centre, you worship. When he's not, you worry. Worry is the warning light that God has been shoved to the sideline. The moment you put him back at the centre, you will have peace again." I shared with friends earlier this week that despite the illness which has been plaguing our family and the busyness of work and life, I'm very much at peace and that's really all that matters.

This week was the first week absent of my previous leadership responsibility and I simply stayed home with my family and it was truly awesome to just be. "If you are a parent, part of your mission is to raise your children to know Christ, to help them understand his purposes for their lives, and to send them out on their mission in the world." I am so thankful for the grace that is offered to me through His amazing love and through the love and devotion of my family. I lost sight of my mission for a bit, but am working to balance things back where they need to be.

For the fact that this life is a continual work in progress...I am very thankful. We learn from the experiences of the past and they build into us, to mold changed thinking towards the future. But at the end of day, it simply matters that you loved and embraced the people He's brought into your life. It simply matters that you tried your best to shine for Him in all circumstances, no matter what they were. We don't know how long our time is here. There's not time to take a second of it for granted.

A New Day...A New Year

2008-01-05T07:38:00.000-06:00

"Listen to your heart, it is speaking God's message to you. A healthy, relaxed, less involved Cinder is more productive then a burnt out Cinder. If you are doing God's work then you don't have to feel guilty when you say you can not do everything that is being asked of you...people burden you with to much, not God! Feel the freedom God is giving you."

I know I haven't been blogging nearly as much as I was this time last year. There's lots of reasons for that one. Life is busier and when I do have down time, I sometimes just want to be with my family, listen to music, be quiet, etc. I haven't had the creative juices flowing either, which makes it difficult for me to sit down and write, because I don't like to force writing. There's no real purpose in that for me. I also have been introduced to the world of Facebook and have been spending time there, as I am communicating and reconnecting with a wide variety of people...old friends from school and youth group, other cities/churches we've lived in and been at, some blogging friends and my current friends and family as well.

Hence where this post is going. One of my good friends sent me a very special New Year's eve gift. This message above came to me in a "hatching egg"...an egg which eventually hatches out a gift for you (a reindeer dog...it was really cute)! It was such a powerful message to receive on the eve of a new year. My friend was in leadership with me and knew that I was waiting on God and trying hard to listen for His guidance regarding this leadership. It's also really hard at this time of year to listen for His guidance and word...things seem to be so hectic and loud...we had 13 people at our house this year, which was a blessing to be able to have everyone here for Christmas, but it's also really hard to find a quiet moment to reflect and listen.

Have you ever had a moment where you thought you had heard what God was saying? And you set your eyes on that and grew the resolve to continue on towards this? See, this is what had happened with me. I felt heavily prompted by God that I would be stepping out of leadership of the teen girls group I was co-leading, but I thought I was supposed to finish out the year and step down in June. It made sense and felt right...I discussed it with Mr. Cinder and we seemed to agree on it as well. So that was the decision made...or so I thought.

When I received this message from my friend, I began to wonder about the decision, but then pushed the thought aside and set my eyes back on the original decision. Our leadership team met the night of New Year's day, as we needed to have some things in place for this week coming up. God moved heavily through that meeting...opening my eyes, prompting my heart, having me see things in a completely different light. By the end of the night, I found myself saying, "I would be stepping out of leadership immediately." As soon as those words came out of my mouth, I felt this huge weight lifted off my shoulders. At that point, I truly knew the right decision had been made.

I mentioned to someone that a lot of times at New Year's, I find myself ringing the year in, overburdened, tired, beaten down, etc. But this year has been different. Yes, I've still been tired, but there's an element of that which happens anyhow at this time of the year...I also have been battling illness and tiredness comes along with that. But, I'm actually coming into this year anticipating what He will lead and do. I'm coming into this year resting in His presence and His love...feels like I'm in the palm of His hand.

I have to say today that I'm so very thankful for the people He has placed around me, to do life together and walk alongside each other...and yes, that includes each of you! I'm thankful for the fact people will say it how it is...speak the truth in love...and at the end of the day, you're still good. I'm thankful for the people He's placed around me, who will listen and offer advice only when necessary. At other times, they don't offer advice, but simply pray and allow me to listen for God and figure things out in my own timing.

Every time you cross my mind, I break out in exclamations of thanks to God. Each exclamation is a trigger to prayer. I find myself praying for you with a glad heart.

~ Philippians 1.3-4

Teach me to do your will, for you are my God; may your good Spirit lead me on level ground.
~Psalm 143:10

In His Hand

2007-12-16T16:00:00.000-06:00

Hold Me Jesus

(Big Daddy Weave)

Well sometimes my life just don't make sense at all

When the mountain look so big and my faith just seems so small

So hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf

You have been King of my Glory, won't You be my Prince of Peace

And I wake up in the night and feel the dark

It's so hot inside my soul, I swear there must be blisters on my heart

So hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf

You have been King of my Glory, won't You be my Prince of Peace

Surrender don't come natural to me

I'd rather fight You for something I don't really want

Than to take what you give that I need

And I've beat my head against so many walls

Now I'm falling down, I'm falling on my knees

And this Salvation Army band is playing this hymn

And your grace rings out so deep it makes my resistance seem so thin

So hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf

You have been King of my Glory, won't you be my Prince of Peace

I'm singing, hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf

You have been King of my glory, won't You be my Prince of Peace

I don't know about life in your neighborhood, but life here's pretty hectic. We're preparing to house a lot of company, beginning next week and so begins the work of the 'Clean House' :D!

So, my writing will be short. I heard this song a couple of weeks ago and put the lyrics straight into my drafts, because I just loved it and began singing along with it like I'd know it forever. To me, it came as a timely reminder of the season we're in, the love and grace that He represents to each and every person. It also spoke truth about my humanness and the short-comings that come along with that one.

But as I sit here, I'm just enamoured by His love and what it is, to be in the palm of His hand and to be held by Him. That's truly a gift worth celebrating.

"Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you...And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast."

(1 Peter 5:6-7, 10)

Endless Possibilities

2007-12-12T00:14:00.001-06:00

Some days I feel so tired,
And I feel like nothing.
In the world's eyes 'nothing' is exactly what I am,
But in Your eyes I'm an endless possibility.

Wipe the slate clean,
And create in me a brand new canvas.
One which You can vividly paint on,
One which will allow for the endless possibilities.

I know I am exactly who I'm supposed to be in Your eyes,
Help me to be that in every day life.
Take away the masks and the fear,
Take away the preconceived notions.

Draw me to your feet,
To be surrendered in Your presence.
To love and worship You,
And simply be totally and completely Yours.

Disruptions of Balance

2007-12-03T09:41:00.000-06:00

"Everybody today seems to be in such a terrible rush, anxious for greater developments and greater riches and so on, so that children have very little time for their parents. Parents have very little time for each other, and in the home begins the disruption of peace of the world. "

~ Mother Teresa

I've had this quote saved in my drafts for a long time. It spoke huge amounts of truth when I read it and knew that at some point, I would actually get a chance to write on it a little bit. Being that we're into December, it seemed like a very fitting time to write this post.

I find it amazing that you can tell the month has changed around this time of year. I had to go to the store for some staples this weekend and it was a zoo. If we hadn't have really needed the milk and food, I probably would have fled the building as fast as I could, because it just brings this awful, overwhelming feeling into my body.

But the sad reality is that life is a whole lot busier now than it ever was when I was growing up as a kid. I've been taking time to reflect on this and figure out why. As a family, we're continually working on seeing whether or not we are over-committed, and that at the end of the week, we are keeping God and our family the number priority of our household.

I think in this day and age, that has to be a huge priority of families. When our family gets 'dysfunctional', we look at our balance, because 9 times out of 10, we've not seen each other at all and haven't been home long enough to enjoy the safe haven of our home and the love of our family. And it's very true...if there's not peace at home, then there's not going to be peace in your life and therefore you'll take that lack of peace out into the world.

We continue to speak with our children about the fact there's lots of activities they'd probably love to be in, but you need to have balance in your life and it's never to late to begin that discipline. They are realizing that you need the quiet of those four walls called home...you need the joy and laughter of supper around the table, games played together, cuddling on the couch with popcorn to watch a movie as a family. Those things are all just as important as learning piano, taking swimming, spending time with friends.

The hardest truth as a parent is realizing you might not be always modelling what you're teaching. That's the goal I'm working on the hardest right now. Examining and reflecting on where my time takes me...how that time is allocated out and whether or not it's the correct balance for God, myself and my family.

Oh Yeah Baby...The Riders Are The Grey Cup Champs!!

2007-11-26T07:23:00.000-06:00

Oh yeah baby! In Canada, we have just finished celebrating Grey Cup weekend...the biggest weekend in football. And the Saskatchewan Roughriders, our hometown team were in the big game...the 95th Grey Cup...and they WON IT!

It's been 18 years since the last time we celebrated this victory. It's awesome to just live life in the midst of the celebration. Our kids got to experience the "Green Mile" last night, as we drove them down our main drag, to see the victorious fans.

The things you do in the name of making memories that don't come along very often ;D!

Life's Sculpting

2007-11-24T08:20:00.000-06:00

Two Sculptors
I dreamed I saw a studio
And watched two sculptors there.
The clay they used was a child’s mind
And they fashioned it with care.

One was a teacher – the tools he used
Were books, music, and art.
The other; a parent, worked with a guiding hand,
And a gentle, loving heart.

Day after day, the teacher toiled with a touch
That was careful, deft, and sure,
While the parent labored by his side
And polished and smoothed it o’er.

And when at last, their task was done,
They were proud of what they had wrought.
For the things they had molded into the child
Could neither be sold or bought.

And each agreed they would have failed
If either had worked alone.
For behind the parent stood the school
And behind the teacher, the home.

Anonymous

One of our kids brought this home on the first or second day of school. Those close to us know that it was a very hard decision for me to make, in terms of sending Little Mister back into the school system. Only hard, in regards to why he was out of the system in the first place. I wasn't worried or overprotective, because I feel that our kids are exactly where they are supposed to be. They know the love they have at home and are secure in it. They love being around everyone they are around and all the things they are doing. Our kids are socialites, so this has been essential and a huge growth thing.

Mr. Cinder and I had some underlying suspicions throughout last winter. Our underlying suspicions were, that part of my repeat infections and sickness on top of that was simply due to stress. The stress of trying to teach, work, manage a house, be all the hats I play. Some days I wished that I could just be someone who could effectively balance everything. But now, as I look back, it wasn't a matter of not being able to effectively balance. It was a matter of trying to effectively balance things I wasn't supposed to be balancing. Yes, I'm sick right now, but this is the normal fall sickness thing...bugs that go around with our crazy weather, as it decides whether it should snow and snow good, or continue to melt away.

When I read this poem, it just gave huge confirmation as to the fact we had made the right decision for our family. They have been blessed with awesome teachers. There's huge communication between us and Little Mister is being offered a lot of guidance and help, in regards to his reading. I found myself saying, "It wasn't my fault. I did try hard enough. I didn't fail him." I had a friend say to me, "You have nothing to beat yourself up over...but you know that." We're seeing improvements in Little Mister. He's gaining confidence and knows that any help given will help strengthen his skills for the future.

As we prayed for guidance, in terms of the decisions we were making, in regards to schooling, I also prayed for something else. I prayed that life would no longer be in a 'bubble' for me. I prayed that life would have corners and that there would be opportunities for me to reach to the far corners. And He's provided them. I go into Big Mister's (our oldest son's) class once a week, to help his teacher with whatever she requires...reading with kids who are, marking, photocopying, etc. I also get to chaperone field trips for all the kids. I am visiting weekly with parents as we sit and watch our kids at their swimming lessons. He's also bringing awesome experiences to me through work...through ministry, etc.

Life's still hairy busy a lot of times...it's still really hard a lot of times too. That'll always be the case...life's not perfect and I will never claim it as anything close to that. But we are feeling His presence...even on those days where you just want to climb up on the roof, become invisible and hope the day passes fast...He's there!

Wholly Loved...

2007-11-20T13:31:00.000-06:00

"It might be wise to remember that Satan is the enemy of our souls...It is his voice that whispers messages to discourage us, diminish us, and condemn us. It's his voice that suggests God could never forgive us, stick by us, or love us. It is his voice that tells us we aren't good enough, spiritual enough or worthy enough to receive salvation. And it is his voice that accuses us of inadequate faith and imperfect mental health. God calls him an 'accuser' (Rev 12:10), and that very word is our cue to recognize when Satan is having a heyday in our souls. The Holy Spirit never accuses. Instead, he woos us, he wins us, and he loves us to behave better and to commit ourselves more deeply to him."

~ Marilyn Meberg

I have been home in bed sick for a few days. It's merited me a huge chunk of time to sleep and rest, but also to read and fill my mind, with His word and the words of others. I have a couple of study Bibles which I use. One is a traditional study Bible, with half a page of scripture and half a page of notes. The other is the Women of Faith Study Bible. It has character sketches of different women throughout the Bible, Bible studies intermingled throughout, quotes on some of the pages and on some pages, something specific from them is talked about in the margin.

I came across the above quote today as I was reading. It seemed very timely, considering where God has me reading in other books and because of the sermon heard on Sunday. I'm really hard on myself most days...usually allow those around me slack, but never offer that same grace to myself. I'm beginning the process of looking at that and figuring out where it comes from and then will begin the work of trying to change it.

The last part of this quote just captured my heart. It's such a precious gift...the fact He wants to woo and draw us ever closer to Him. The fact He's always there, cheering us on, encouraging us to do better and never leaving our side, even when we fail miserably. He simply helps us pick up the pieces and continue the journey. I really believe that during those perceived 'failures', that's when we commit to Him at deeper levels. Really, because at that point, it's all Him and none of us.

I wrote this poem a little over a month ago, but never got it posted. This fall has become a time of me taking off the masks...not just taking them off, but somehow smashing them, so that they are unavailable to be picked back up. That always makes for a huge vulnerability and unsteadiness, as you tread into uncharted waters. But it's a beautiful feeling when you begin to see that it is truly the right journey to take. Really, it's the only journey to take, if you want to become more mature in your walk.

At the end of the day, there isn't a lot that really matters, except that we are perfectly created by Him and wholly loved by Him...He's wooing us and wanting desperately for us to draw ever closer and embrace it!

Sometimes we live so long,
With various masks to put on.
That those masks turn from a masquerade,
To life as we know it.

It seemingly seems easier,
To live a life based on wished for perceptions.
Then to embrace the blessings in front of us,
And live the true fullness of life set before us.

Embrace all that comes your way,
Don't shy away from what's yet to come.
You may not be perfect in a world's perception,
But you are created perfectly in His eyes.

Small Break in the Absence

2007-09-20T15:37:00.000-06:00

It seems like forever since I've been on this venue...but I guess it's almost been a month since I last wrote. It's hard to explain, but I just haven't been able to write...haven't been able to answer comments (I have read and truly appreciate every single one of them and you)!

Life's very busy right now. School has been a success and now I am slowly beginning the process of packing up all my teaching supplies, manuals, textbooks, old workbooks, etc. In amongst life being busy, I've been battling illness again. Even as I write, I'm exhausted and not feeling good. But, I've been thinking a lot lately about the fact that life is a continual building of character and that never takes place if life is always easy.

I've begun penning a gathering of my reflections and that's what I'm going to type in this post. I've been doing a lot of thinking and believe that will continue for quite a while longer...probably until eternity comes ;D. Anyhow, here goes the reflections...

Sometimes in this realm called life, things happen, which cannot always be explained. To some when these things happen, they are completely destroyed and never recover. They are consumed by a victimization which takes over every aspect of their life and it colours every moment that comes from there on in.

To some, they have the blessing of people who never give up on them, regardless of the careless and seemingly wrong decisions they make. To the outside eye, as that barrage of decisions continues to be made, it might seem that the blessing falls on deaf ears. But I believe that blessing always travels with the person, no matter where they go or what they do. And at some point, that blessing will bring light to a darkened mind and a hurting heart. It will at some point speak a deep blessing to the person's heart and will bring their conscience and a voice of the past alive again inside their empty shell called a body.

I think we all have a story to tell and most would be amazed, stunned and blown away if we were to go around a room and share. Most days people try to have each other "pegged", but we fail miserably, because we only see what we are "allowed" to see. We are only privy to the censored picture shows which we individually choose to play.

...I truly believe I am the person I am and stand where I stand today because of a deeply instilled faith system and the power of a parent's love. Because if you were to look at the statistics, I should be as far away as possible from the place I am. The only explanation I can give as to why I'm not, is because my parents never gave up on me. They told me they would never let me go and that they would never quit loving me...

Uncharted Territory

2007-08-30T15:15:00.000-06:00

It's been SO long since I've written a post. I've really lost touch with the blogging world in many ways. Right now as I type, I am listening to one of my many new favorites for music:

Today

(Brian Doerksen)

Today I choose to follow you

Today I choose to give my'yes' to you

Today I choose to hear your voice and live

Today I choose to follow you

As for me and my house

we will serve you

as for me and my house

we will spend our lives on you

Wonderful counseler , Everlasting Fa-ther E-ternal King ,

Lord of hosts willingly we fol- low

Life has been extremely hectic for our family this past while. And life as we've ever known it in this humble abode and city, has changed this fall. Yesterday marked a brand new chapter in our family's life...all three kids entered the school doors. So now begins the learning of what life was like for me before homeschooling came about. Noted though, I don't think I will completely remember that, because His plan is for me to chart a new course in this chapter. Regressing to the past wouldn't really be a hugely great plan...it would underplay all the life learning which has went on between then and now. It's also the beginning of a new ministry year and that brings chaos in itself. Then there's the future to look towards...to search out what His call might be for our family and each of us individually as well.

I have been beginning each day with the words from Brian Doerksen's song and also from Chris Tomlin...

Forever

(Chris Tomlin)

Give thanks to the Lord

Our God and King

His love endures forever

For He is good, He is above all things

His love endures forever

Sing praise, sing praise

With a mighty hand

and outstretched arm

His love endures forever

For the life that's been reborn

His love endures forever

Sing praise, sing praise

Yeah

Forever God is faithful

Forever God is strong

Forever God is with us

Forever

From the rising to the setting sun

His love endures forever

By the grace of God

We will carry on

His love endures forever

Sing praise, sing praise

Yeah

Forever God is faithful

Forever God is strong

Forever God is with us

Forever

He's such a loving and faithful God, even when we might not be so faithful to Him. Life's good...stressful sometimes, feels like we're charting unmarked territory at times and simply learning to adapt to what's around each corner. Yeah...signing off for another unknown chunk of time.

Lake Michigan

2007-08-07T07:18:00.000-06:00

On our second day travelling back, we drove along the shore of Lake Michigan at more than one point. We ended up having lunch at a spot where the town is right on the shore. It was a cool spot to stop...after lunch, we took a walk along the beach and then a man made path, until we made it to a light house.

It was an awesome view and really peaceful as well.

Here was the view of the lighthouse as we began our trek from the picnic spot. The waves were rolling in, as it had been raining up to that point.

The trees were the spot where we started our walk from. This was the beach we walked along. It was the neatest sand...some was soft, but as soon as you got closer to the water, it was hard, or so it appeared. All of sudden, the sand would crack and you would begin to sink. The kids thought that was pretty cool.

Here was a picture of the lighthouse, taken as we were beginning our walk down the man made path towards it.

There would be my brood walking down the path, exploring all the huge rocks on each side and marvelling at the power of the waves crashing in.

Here's the lighthouse as we finally got to it.

The kids posing for a picture on the lighthouse...right beside the warning sign about loud signals sounding.

The rock path, which lead back to the walking path to go towards the picnic area.

My Reading Log

2007-08-03T13:12:00.000-06:00

These are two of my must reads before the summer is over, along with some pretty good fiction reads from Francine Rivers and Lori Wick. Then for the fall, I would like to read some C.S. Lewis and whatever else might fall at my feet.

I made a very interesting observation before I left on holidays. I couldn't remember the last time I read an entire book, let alone even allowed myself a little time to read. Another observation was that it wasn't all because of lack of time, but that I couldn't hold my concentration at all when reading. This was an extremely hard observation to make, as reading is one of my staples, right along with listening to music and writing. It helps to ground me, grow me and take me away from everything for a brief reprieve.

So, one of the decisions I made as we left for holidays, was that I would deliberately make time for me to read, write, listen music and also to simply just be quiet. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I know that this might be the key to take a lot away and make me a better woman to my family and friends.

Just one of many observations and promptings experienced throughout the past while.

Paths

2007-08-03T08:28:00.000-06:00

But I'll take the hand of those who don't know the way, who can't see where they're going. I'll be a personal guide to them, directing them through unknown country. I'll be right there to show them what roads to take, make sure they don't fall into the ditch. These are the things I'll be doing for them—sticking with them, not leaving them for a minute.

~ Isaiah 42:16 (MSG)

Pouring Out

2007-08-01T16:25:00.000-06:00

Well, it's taken me a while to post any pictures at all, and I'm sure it'll take a while for bits and pieces to come up. Vacation is always a good thing in my mind. It takes you away and allows you to look back in at life from the outside. I tend to see things away that I never would have saw while I was in the midst of things.

Had a time to finally just sit and read, actually read for an extended length of time. I finished two and a half books while I was away...that's unheard of in the past while for me.

I would love to say that things are calm as ever now that we're back, but that would be a blatant lie. Life with three kids, a job to work, a house and family to care for and especially in the summer...it equals hairiness for our family on a variety of levels.

Here are some pictures of Niagara Falls...the falls which are considered the Canadian falls and also the falls which are considered the American falls. There is also a picture of the CN Tower in Toronto, which we took as we drove by...we opted out of actually going up the tower when we saw the cost...took the kids to the Science Centre and the Imax for less money, so it was still an awesome day in Toronto.

Here we are posing for a family picture with the American Niagara behind us. Getting a decent picture of us all is quite rare, but we came home with quite a few this time.

Here is a picture of the Canadian falls, right at the mouth. This was such a picturesque day...I had a hay day taking pictures ;D!

We were marvelling at the colour of the water by the falls. It was a beautiful colour.

Another picture of the shores leading up to the Canadian falls, with the bridge in the distance. The Canadian/American border falls at the mid-point of the bridge.

The American Falls...I just love the way the water falls onto the rocks. They were really neat to see up close on the Maid of the Mist ride.

Here's one of the many Maid of the Mist boats beginning the trek down the waterway towards the Canadian falls. They begin by going by the American falls and giving a really awesome history of Niagara.

I took this one from the walkway above, as the Maid of the Mist drew closer to the Canadian Falls.

A zoomed in close up of the Maid of the Mist and it's occupants.

The CN Tower

Well, that's all the time I have for now. We are still settling in...I've been battling headaches and fatigue. We have a long weekend coming up, so are trying to get things cleaned up, so we can enjoy some time visiting with my family when they get here.

There will be more to come at a later date...pictures and reflections about God's power and beauty.

Hello, Where Are You?

2007-07-29T09:26:00.000-06:00

Travelling through 6 states & 2 provinces to a family reunion, riding the Maid of the Mist right up beside Niagara Falls, travelling over Mackinac Bridge and visiting the beautiful Upper Peninsula of Michigan, seeing 4 out of 5 Great Lakes and experiencing God's awesome creation together as a family...

PRICELESS

Yes, that's where I've been and it was an awesome time. There will be pictures and many reflections to come. But for now, we'll just work on settling back in to normal life ;D!

2007-07-12T20:23:00.001-06:00

I know I have posted this song before by the original writer, but this is the version I listen to often.

Until My Last Breath

2007-07-09T00:20:00.000-06:00

Oh my Lord,
How I love you.

You are my strength,
You are the wind beneath my wings.
When I am down,
You are there to lift me up.
In Your eyes I'm beautiful,
And I know I can do all things through You.

Oh how I love you,
More and more with each passing day.
You draw me closer to Your feet,
And shadow me with Your love and grace.
I will praise Your name,
Until my last breath.

Happy Anniversary Sweetie!

2007-07-06T07:54:00.000-06:00

It's hard to believe that we're already celebrating 11 years of marriage today. Time flies when you're having fun...He's brought us far ;D! Love, acceptance, support, safety & security...that's what you've brought me sweetie...the best gifts to be given.

I woke up this morning with an episode of the Flintstones singing through my head. The one where Fred's wanting to get Wilma a piano and ends up getting one from 88 Fingers Louie. Being it was such a 'steal of a deal', the cops end up at the house and some of the policeman sing a version of Happy Anniversary that's always stuck. Actually, my sweetie sang it to me before he left for work.

Off to start the day...let the celebrating begin!

Working Minds

2007-06-26T11:45:00.000-06:00

"work smart, not hard. there's a motto."

My friend said this to me a while ago and I saved it in my drafts, as it was a pretty powerful word for me to hear. I've been taking that advice the past week. At times I feel a little bit of guilt and have found myself questioning my actions, but at the end of the day and as I see things today, I know my decision-making was correct.

We made the decision to finish school officially at some point last week. We will continue to do work here and there throughout the summer, in preparation for Little Mister to make a smooth transition back into the public school system, but as for clearly defined school days, they are finished. As soon as that decision was made, I felt the hugest weight fall off of my shoulders. I can simply be a mommy again. I can spend my days cleaning house, playing with my kids, vegging, going to work, etc. Even though I'm still battling illness, it seems I am more able to fight than I was a couple of weeks ago. I guess the lifting of weights will do that to a person.

Tasting the peace and feeling the quiet...truly awesome!

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us."

~Hebrews 12:1

Paul Baloche - All The Earth Will Sing Your Praises

2007-06-19T07:42:00.001-06:00

We ended off our Easter service with this song. I hadn't sang it again and was part of the team...it was such an energized song...I love it!

You are GOD alone

2007-06-18T10:59:00.001-06:00

Another of my favorites...my goal this week is to simply drink Him in through music, His word and everyone He places along my path!

Retrospect

2007-06-18T07:05:00.000-06:00

It's interesting when you begin looking in retrospect at life, that you realize some things. It's not that they weren't evident right in the midst of everything, but at the time, things just felt so overwhelming that it wouldn't have mattered whether or not you could see them clearly, changes might not have been made until now anyways.

Tonight is the first in a month and a half that we don't have to run anyone to soccer. We don't have to juggle three schedules over the span of 4 days, in amongst every day life as well. We've seriously been lacking in the together time department...time as a family, time as a couple and just down time. This was the first year of having to go at that insane pace with three in soccer. I have to admit that we are already questioning whether we will make that choice next year. Just as the people of this world, our kids have vastly different personalities. Different personalities mean trying real hard as a parent to not conform your child to one specific sport, etc.

And school is also winding down for me teaching-wise. With being sick, this teaching year has been extremely hard at times. We've tried our best and Little Mister wants to be in the big school this fall, so we'll be working to prepare, as we feel this will be the best move for both of us. It'll allow me to simply be a mom again and that's huge right now!

I'm looking forward to a week with a lot more downtime, which will hopefully equal a more sane mommy. You know, there's still things there...waiting for lab tests to come back, still waiting to hear from a specialist about an appointment, after 4 months gone by...but not doing them alone, makes them fall into place on the perspective line. Can't change it, but will try my hardest to not let it beat me down either. Some days are easier than others, but that's life.

Gromit

2007-06-12T22:39:00.000-06:00

Well being I haven't really been in a writing mood, I completely forgot to post a picture of our newest addition.

This is Gromit, named after the english cartoon Wallace and Gromit. He is 10 weeks old and fitting into our household nicely. He has the most awesome demeanor we could ask for with three kids around, who want to chase, mull and overly love him. He's grown in the week we've had him and is beginning to show a little personality.

Took me a while to be won over about getting a dog, but I love having him around. He's a good cuddler and greets me with the biggest smile and kiss when I've been away from home.

But, I'm signing off now, 'cause it's bedtime up here...blessings!

How R U?

2007-06-12T10:57:00.000-06:00

I hate the question, "How R U?" It's gotta rank on my most detestable questions to have to try and answer, especially lately. When you don't even really know how you are, let alone what's wrong...how on earth are you supposed to be able to answer it in a way that people will actually understand it and not think you are just out of it or really weirdly off some deep end somewhere.

I guess you could say that's why I haven't wanted to write on this venue...I guess the truth of the matter is that I feel out of it and don't have a clue how to explain it. The only thing I know is that it causes me to not be able to think straight, formulate words enough to write, let alone want to carry on conversations with people some days. Makes life really difficult and sometimes leaves me wondering about many things.

"Being created in the image of God means that we were created to look like God - not on the outside, but in our character and in our souls." (Point of Grace)

I read this quote yesterday and it kinda stopped me dead in my tracks. I don't see myself in a very good light lately and so I have a hard time believing that my character and soul are looking anything like God. I took a lot of comfort in this quote despite anything else which might have flew through my mind.

I guess right now I'm simply at a point where I want certain things to be completed and out of my life. I want my life to regain some semblance of before, yet keep many aspects of the now and the future. I believe we are put into situations for a time and a purpose. God will use situations to grow us...even though they might seen unbearable and no end in sight, we end up taking a lot from them.

I guess the only answer I can give to the, "How R U?" right now is...I'm doing okay. I'm tired, but hanging in there and attempting to rest in Him.

Blending in and Silent....

2007-05-30T09:00:00.000-06:00

Have you ever felt like this guy? So small in such a huge world...so many obstacles and everything else that you don't even know where to go, what to do? That you just want to do all you can to simply 'blend' into your surroundings...go unnoticed, causing the smallest amount of trouble, grief, etc. to those around you.

I've been feeling like this guy for quite a while now. Tried to ignore it, which severely backfired in many ways, shapes and forms. Probably did more damage than good...to me and to countless others around me. Now I simply want to lie low, 'blend' in and have things be as uneventful as possible...at least for a time.

I've really battled what to do with my blog and my blogging 'voice'. I was going to delete it completely, until I could come back stronger, but then I would lose contact with my blogger friends and that's definitely something I don't want to occur. I guess this is my compromise for the time being. A open-ended post, which offers no apparent restart date, but lets you know what's up. Many of you know how to contact me outside of this blog...please do...I would love to catch up and keep in contact. I will drop by every so often to say hi on your blogs and will probably sneak by my own to check the comment box now and then.

I know blogs are often an online journal...mine's a mixture of things, including this avenue. But I guess the bottom line is that sometimes things aren't meant to be voiced through this avenue. And until a time when I feel my voice is stable and strong, I don't want to risk letting it sound on this venue. Yeah, I guess that's all I'm gonna give for an explanation.

Blessings to y'all while I'm silent and we'll see y'all when I come back...

"Family of Jacob, the Lord created you. People of Israel, he formed you. He says, "Do not be afraid. I will set you free. I will send for you by name. You belong to me. You will pass through deep waters. But I will be with you. You will pass through the rivers. But their waters will not sweep over you. You will walk through fire. But you will not be burned. The flames will not harm you. I am the Lord your God. I am the Holy One of Israel. I am the one who saves you. I will give up Egypt to set you free. I will give up Cush and Seba for you. You are priceless to me. I love you and honor you. So I will trade other people for you. I will give up other nations to save your lives. Do not be afraid. I am with you."

~ Isaiah 43:1-5(a)

Undo-Rush of Fools

2007-05-28T12:03:00.001-06:00

I just heard this song on Following the Herd's blog...I really needed to hear it today. Chances are I'll have to listen to it again in the future, so I'm posting it to make it easier to find!

Life....

2007-05-28T10:10:00.001-06:00

Inadequate...that's the word of today, this month and all I see in the future right now.

Yeah, I know any thing's possible with Him and that He's right beside me every step. But sometimes He feels closer and sometimes He feels really far away. Or maybe it's just that I'm so lacking in something right now, that the above facade ends up occurring in my mind.

You know, my faith will always be strong in Him, even though some days it might not seem that way. That faith which never goes away is why I am able to endure, even when the light at the end of the tunnel seems to have disappeared.

I'm thanking God that He's blessed me with a man by my side who stands strong with me, even when things are so hairy, in so many departments. That man always tells me that I'm anything but inadequate, even though he knows I might not see it at the present time.

Writing Moods

2007-05-23T16:20:00.001-06:00

I really haven't been in a writing mood lately...at least in the form which usually takes shape on Cindertales. What to say...today is a "snow day" here in Saskatchewan. The exact reason why I never plant anything before the long weekend and I guess this year, you'd be smart to wait closer to the beginning of June!

Jollybeggar has a really good shortword over at northVUs...made me sit back and take note. As for Cindertales...I've been in a place where I'm listening to a lot of music and so that's what I'm beginning to post more and more music in amongst my blog posts. I'm beginning to do some bible studies about the Women of the Bible, so maybe you'll see some posts on that in the future.

Things are busy, sometimes overwhelming and that doesn't always leave lots of time for a lot of things. I don't like living life stagnant, but chaotic isn't always fun either. So there's that continual learning game of balance. Thankful...that's the mood for the day!

Your Name by Paul Baloche (New)

2007-05-22T16:59:00.001-06:00

I have this song by a different group, but Paul Baloche is the original writer of it. I have been listening to it a lot lately.

The soul filler...pillar of strength, peace and so much more...this huge and awesome shelter, no matter what may come to pass...His presence blankets over and goes with you like a protective cover and guidance.

I'm learning through time that just because you have all of that with you, it doesn't mean everything will be peachy, but manageable. I couldn't even imagine doing any of this life without that presence by my side.

This is part of my new start to the day, so up onto the blog it must go!

Lessons Learned...

2007-05-20T16:05:00.000-06:00

~ Matthew 11:28-30

I'm learning a pretty valuable lesson this weekend. Yeah, you need to come to Him...get away with Him and recover your life. But that doesn't always mean being just you and Him...most times it means exactly the opposite. This weekend, He is showing me that if I am truly attentive to my surroundings and to what the promptings of my heart, then I will know exactly where to go to find Him and take a rest. Yes, it meant completely getting away from my regular surroundings, but we are together as a family and resting, because we have simply broke up the routine of what usually goes on at home.

I was talking with someone near the end of the week, about the fact that much of this life for me continues to be a huge learning process and probably always will. I have learned more about myself the past year than I knew for many years before that. It comes in spurts and a variety of ways and degrees...never a dull moment and always some very interesting findings.

The lovely weather changes are playing havoc with me...I thought I had a cold, but after doing some weeding with my 'lil sis for a while, I'm wondering if it's not allergies that I'm battling. So I'm off to rest a little...listen to some music and read in my Bible. Then back out to spend some time with my family and begin to explore more deeply living life freer and lighter!

Stupid Button....

2007-05-18T00:14:00.000-06:00

I run for dear life to God, I'll never live to regret it. Do what you do so well: get me out of this mess and up on my feet. Put your ear to the ground and listen, give me space for salvation. Be a guest room where I can retreat; you said your door was always open! You're my salvation—my vast, granite fortress.

My God, free me from the grip of Wicked, from the clutch of Bad and Bully. You keep me going when times are tough—my bedrock, God, since my childhood. I've hung on you from the day of my birth, the day you took me from the cradle; I'll never run out of praise. Many gasp in alarm when they see me, but you take me in stride.

Just as each day brims with your beauty, my mouth brims with praise. But don't turn me out to pasture when I'm old or put me on the shelf when I can't pull my weight. My enemies are talking behind my back, watching for their chance to knife me. The gossip is: "God has abandoned him. Pounce on him now; no one will help him."

God, don't just watch from the sidelines. Come on! Run to my side! My accusers—make them lose face. Those out to get me—make them look like idiots, while I stretch out, reaching for you, and daily add praise to praise. I'll write the book on your righteousness, talk up your salvation the livelong day, never run out of good things to write or say. I come in the power of the Lord God, I post signs marking his right-of-way.

You got me when I was an unformed youth, God, and taught me everything I know. Now I'm telling the world your wonders; I'll keep at it until I'm old and gray. God, don't walk off and leave me until I get out the news of your strong right arm to this world, news of your power to the world yet to come, your famous and righteous ways, O God. God, you've done it all! Who is quite like you? You, who made me stare trouble in the face, turn me around; Now let me look life in the face. I've been to the bottom; bring me up, streaming with honors; turn to me, be tender to me, and I'll take up the lute and thank you to the tune of your faithfulness, God. I'll make music for you on a harp, Holy One of Israel. When I open up in song to you, I let out lungsful of praise, my rescued life a song. All day long I'm chanting about you and your righteous ways, while those who tried to do me in slink off looking ashamed.

~Psalm 71 (MSG)

I've been thinking a lot about this passage...you know I never do regret running to Him. He is such a safe haven...my most peaceful refuge...MY ROCK! It seems some weeks like He's constantly at work to get me out of messes. It just seems that sometimes I know how hit the stupid button every single time. It might seem like I'm trying to do the best in a situation, but it ends up doing the very opposite.

I'm sick and getting sicker by the minute. Tomorrow's filled with doctor's appointments and hopefully it will prove to some relief in the future. I'm tired...but it'll all pass in the timing that it's supposed to...

So Much of Everything

2007-05-16T09:47:00.000-06:00

Love

Peace

Joy

Hope

Strength

Endurance

Faithfulness

Perseverance

Never-Ending

Always Present

You are these and so much more to me each and everyday. No matter has came, what is here or that which is yet to come...you are there. What I am on my own is nothing in comparison to what I am in You! You show me things about myself I didn't know existed...You push me to be more then I ever dreamed possible to be...You strengthen me to persevere through, even when I'd rather sit down and give up. No amount of words can truly express who You truly are and all that You truly do.

All Things Are Possible

Darlene Zschech

Almighty God my Redeemer, my hiding place, my strong refuge

No other name like Jesus, no power can stand against you

My feet are planted on this rock and I will not be shaken

My hope it comes from you alone, my Rock and my Salvation

Your praise is always on my lips, your Word is living in my heart

And I will praise you with a new song, my soul will bless you Lord

You fill my life with greater joy, as I delight myself in you

And I will praise you with a new song, my soul will bless you Lord

My feet are planted on this rock and I will not be shaken

My hope it comes from you alone, my Rock and my Salvation

Your praise is always on my lips, your Word is living in my heart

And I will praise you with a new song, my soul will be bless you Lord

You fill my life with greater joy, as I delight myself in you

And I will praise you with a new song, my soul will bless you Lord

When I am weak you make me strong,

When I'm poor, I know I'm rich for in the power of your name

All things are possible, all things are possible

Refreshment...

2007-05-15T06:29:00.000-06:00

"OUR DEEPEST fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. "We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

(Marianne Williamson, A Return To Love; HarperCollins, 1992)

I was at a Women's conference this weekend and this passage was quoted. It really caused me to look back over the past while and truly examine all aspects of my life. It took me inward, because it speaks so much truth. We are truly all meant to SHINE in this life. The way in which we SHINE will be different for each individual, because He so carefully and lovingly created us with that immense individuality. And when we begin to want to SHINE, it is infectious in a very good way.

I came away from the weekend with a lot of things...here's just a few:

One...we all have our own unique make up and those make ups have their strengths and weaknesses. The way to optimize how God has created us is to 'maximize our strengths and minimize our weaknesses.'

Two...God doesn't place anything within our past that He wishes to be wasted. By talking with people, sharing and using whatever other avenues available, we are able to take even the bad and create good through it.

Three...it doesn't matter how many people you forgive, if you haven't forgiven yourself, you will never acquire true peace and freedom.

Four...listen hard to that inner voice, as that's the most optimal way God finds to voice direction to us and bring strength, peace, love and comfort in all circumstances.

Five...everything must have a home. An uncluttered life begins with an uncluttered home.

In amongst the sessions, we were treated to a banquet on Friday night, lunch Saturday, along with some really yummy desserts. I also got to have a mini manicure...the first one I've had since I got married. It was very long overdue and so very awesome!

I think what I loved the most about the conference were the awesome women from my church that I was blessed to attend this conference with. This was a great opportunity to get to know each other a little better and to have great times of fellowship! I came home very refreshed and will definitely be gathering a group of women to attend this conference next year.

Love...

2007-05-14T08:11:00.000-06:00

**My son brought this home for me the other day from school. He had a big grin on his face and simply said, "Here ya go mommy!" My oldest is growing into a man more every day, but I think that they always remember their mommy's love, no matter how old they become or where they go. Just the same, no matter how old they get or where they go, their mommy will always love them with all she's got.**

My Mother

She's always working hard at home,

Or busy at her job.

She's always reading stories, too,

Or teaching me a game.

And whether I've been bad or good,

She loves me just the same.

Stand Beside

2007-05-10T16:09:00.001-06:00

The bad thing about having an artistic bend is that I tend to be a little disorganized when it comes to my writing. I remembered that I had wrote something a while back, but couldn't find it. See, this often happens because I've written it on a card envelope, a piece of paper that I found by the wayside or on another paper which got filed away because of the purpose it was serving.

I came across this poem...I wrote it about at LEAST a month ago on a piece of scrap paper along with a whole smack of scriptures ;D! I thought I would share...this is definitely an interesting journey without a lot of predictability most weeks and even day-to-day, but you know, that's an okay thing. I'm gonna end off with one of the scriptures that was written on the page...you can always seemingly tie things together, even though they might not have been intended that way.

And I'll never quit this trek with you,
Even though I go astray.
I always know you're by my side,
No matter what may pass my way.

But does that mean no bumps in sight?
Does that mean no heartache or demise?
All it truly means is never being alone,
Always having You there beside me.

Is it a lack of trust or shortness of sight?
Do I lack the faith to truly do this fight?
Is there ever a blue print for how things play out?
Or simply knowing that you know and that's all that ever matters.

You give me the strength to carry on when I don't want to,
You stay by my side even though I say to go.
You never give up on me, even when I've given up on myself,
Always there to love and draw me near.

A Father's love is what you offer,
To all who want it and call out to you to have it.
A simple promise to always stand beside,
Until the day that journey to You is complete.

Always be joyful. Never stop praying. Give thanks no matter what happens. God wants you to thank him because you believe in Christ Jesus.

~ 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

the stand - hillsong united

2007-05-10T07:26:00.001-06:00

**So I tried to post this multiple times yesterday (Wednesday) and there was no way it would. So we try yet again...**

I have been listening to "The Stand" a lot today and wanted to post it, 'cause then it'll be easier for me to access ;D!

I missed my doctor's appointment Tuesday night, due to an impromptu soccer meeting which couldn't be skipped, and am now feeling the effects of the fact I really needed to get there. I'm really tired...wishing for the day when I can actually live my life infection-free. I'm feeling like I've missed so much of the past 4 1/2 years and I really don't want to miss anymore. Learning to embrace life at the fullest, no matter how hard that is some days. It's an extremely hard task, but so very essential.

It's so beautiful here today...supposed to be really warm. I'm trying hard to see it as His love, peace, grace and sheltering arms shining so readily down today. Looking to anything I can, which will give me the strength to live out this day to the fullest and not simply survive yet another day!

Yeah..

Perfection

2007-05-08T09:05:00.000-06:00

I took a picture of this poster when we were touring Lanka Bible College while in Sri Lanka this summer. It's one of our family's verses and I just LOVED how the artist had used the colours and the curves to portray the different parts of the verse.

This weekend I went to the Bible store to try and find some posters which would be a good 'fit' in my new office. Something that would be tasteful, yet scream 'Cinder' all the same. I was going through the posters, beginning with the little ones and when I came to the bigger ones, this was the first poster I set eyes on. I just kept saying, "I found my Sri Lanka poster with my theme verse...it's PERFECT!" And indeed it is perfect to me on the wall...it's my theme and brings back some really awesome memories and a reminder of what God does when you truly do step out in faith and obediently walk where He's calling you.

I'm really rather tired this week...learning to juggle three sports schedules, in amongst quarter-time work, teaching and then those normal responsibilities of life...being a wife, mother and everything else I tend to be in a day. I'm hoping to get to my doctor tonight and am optimistic that we'll come to a good plan about how to treat the whole health issue going on. I know this is heaping more fatigue and stuff on me, but life does go on and I think my mandate right now, is to simply live life to the fullest and be all that He's calling me to be. He's there, allowing for those little pockets of reprieve, amongst the huge busyness of life. I feel like I'm exactly where He wants me to be right now and I can't express the peace that brings.

We sang this song on Sunday at church. It's one of my new favorites and just lifts me every time we sing it. It allows me to feel closer to Him...gives me a charge to live stronger for Him...to be more attentive and quiet so as to hear His promptings...to just take comfort in knowing He's always there to take it all off our shoulders.

The Stand
by Hillsong United / Album: United We Stand (2006)
You stood before creation
Eternity within Your hand
You spoke the earth into motion
My soul now to stand

You stood before my failure
Carried the Cross for my shame
My sin weighed upon Your shoulders
My soul now to stand

So what can I say
What can I do
But offer this heart O God
Completely to You

So I'll walk upon salvation
Your Spirit alive in me
This life to declare Your promise
My soul now to stand

So what can I say
What can I do
But offer this heart O God
Completely to You

So I’ll stand
With arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the One who gave it all

So I’ll stand
My soul Lord to You surrendered
All I am is Yours

Show me Your heart
Show me Your way
Show me Your glory

Life in His Way

2007-05-02T22:33:00.000-06:00

So, chosen by God for this new life of love, dress in the wardrobe God picked out for you: compassion, kindness, humility, quiet strength, discipline. Be even-tempered, content with second place, quick to forgive an offense. Forgive as quickly and completely as the Master forgave you. And regardless of what else you put on, wear love. It's your basic, all-purpose garment. Never be without it.

Let the peace of Christ keep you in tune with each other, in step with each other. None of this going off and doing your own thing. And cultivate thankfulness. Let the Word of Christ—the Message—have the run of the house. Give it plenty of room in your lives. Instruct and direct one another using good common sense. And sing, sing your hearts out to God! Let every detail in your lives—words, actions, whatever—be done in the name of the Master, Jesus, thanking God the Father every step of the way.

Wives, understand and support your husbands by submitting to them in ways that honor the Master.

Husbands, go all out in love for your wives. Don't take advantage of them.

Children, do what your parents tell you. This delights the Master no end.

Parents, don't come down too hard on your children or you'll crush their spirits.

Servants, do what you're told by your earthly masters. And don't just do the minimum that will get you by. Do your best. Work from the heart for your real Master, for God, confident that you'll get paid in full when you come into your inheritance. Keep in mind always that the ultimate Master you're serving is Christ. The sullen servant who does shoddy work will be held responsible. Being a follower of Jesus doesn't cover up bad work.

~ Colossians 3:12-25 (The Message)

Mottos of Life

2007-04-30T08:53:00.000-06:00

I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for. "When you call on me, when you come and pray to me, I'll listen. "When you come looking for me, you'll find me. "Yes, when you get serious about finding me and want it more than anything else, I'll make sure you won't be disappointed."

~Jeremiah 29:11-14(a)

It's no secret to anyone who reads this blog that this is my motto verse in life...for myself, our family, our marriage and life in general. I'm clinging SO very hard to this verse today. I've been blessed to volunteer for a position this past year. It's been an awesome experience that words won't ever adequately describe. There's been a lot of growth in my walk, my work experience and simply in me as a person. I attribute this volunteer position to a good portion of that...it's very humbling as I think where I was, where I am and where He'll continue to take me.

Another motto I live by in my life is this...that God would place job opportunities in my life that are such a blessing, that I would love them enough to do the job for free...with my whole heart and soul, giving it my all and letting Him shine through it all. Today, I am having an interview...to possibly be able to call this volunteer position my job. It's my first interview in 11 years...yes, I worked a job for two years in my old stomping grounds, but I didn't have a formal interview for it. So, yesterday and today have so far, been full of prayer and preparation.

"His will, not mine" is what my motto is today. That He'll formulate the words to answer questions posed to me. That His love will shine through me as I have this interview. That in the end, what He wants will transpire, and that it'll be accepted with a loving and humble heart, no matter what that reply might be.

Guided Ways...

2007-04-24T10:59:00.000-06:00

"Keep me safe, O God, I've run for dear life to you. I say to God, "Be my Lord!" Without you, nothing makes sense. And these God-chosen lives all around—what splendid friends they make! ... Now you've got my feet on the life path, all radiant from the shining of your face. Ever since you took my hand, I'm on the right way.

~ Psalm 16:1-3,11

Our New Addition to Be...

2007-04-24T10:58:00.000-06:00

Hmmm...I wonder which one will be the welcomed addition into our family? One of them will be in a month or so. We haven't let our kids in on the secret quite yet. They have been trying to wear mommy down for a very long time, in terms of welcoming a puppy into the Cinder family.

I'm sure we'll be kept busy, but it'll be a lot of fun. I probably would have been stronger, but after holding these little gaphers when they were two weeks old...well, that just did me right in...so yes, I guess I can be won over depending on the situation ;D!

A Life for the Living

2007-04-23T11:21:00.000-06:00

This is a picture from our old stomping grounds of so long ago. I'm making a 'flying' trip up there tonight and will be back tomorrow morning to take Mr. Cinder to work, teach school and live out a 'typical' Tuesday in the life of the Cinder household.

As I go, I'm having a lot of thoughts run through my mind. It's partly where I'm at and what I'm experiencing I'm sure. I haven't been on this venue to write much, mostly because of how I explained it to someone..."that I'm worried about the fact I sometimes seem bipolar or with my back up against the wall." The bottom-line is that I haven't felt very creative lately and any time I've had free, I've wanted to spend with the people around me.

I'm doing a lot of soul-searching and that seemingly amounts to many changes when I do it. Change isn't a bad thing, especially when it's coming at the following of His prompting. I'm trying hard to be more aware of each and everything I do in my life. Every moment is precious...even those ones which are spent in thought and quiet reflection. They all count towards something eternal and for that reason, I'm really surveying things to make sure I'm living with the right condition of the heart.

Anyhow, I know that driving a ton for a pretty short period of time seems really weird and crack-potty to a lot of people. But for me, it will be an awesome time of being with Him and enjoying His beauty as I drive through His creation. It will also allow me time to be with an awesome friend whom I miss so dearly. We can be apart for months and when together, it seems we never were apart at all. This will be a time of drinking that all in and hopefully finding strength to endure this continuing battle of illness with a much better strength and positive attitude than I have fought with up to this point.

I told someone this week that my motto in this life is to give to everyone who crosses my path. To give my friendship, my heart, my support and whatever else I'm supposed to do in each situation. This is so hard sometimes, because giving of yourself opens you up to a lot of pain and heartache. But to live a guarded life I think would supply me with even more heartache and pain.

I'm thankful today for where I'm at and where He'll eventually take me. My life may not be perfect...I may not be perfect...but it's a blessing to go through life living each moment, instead of simply watching them all fly by.

You Are My Love

2007-04-20T13:06:00.000-06:00

As I sit here in the silence,
Pondering all You are.
I can't fathom all You offer me,
Despite all that I am.

I sometimes contemplate,
The roads I've already travelled.
I know You have a plan in all things,
Please help me to simply follow and accept.

You are my love,
You are my peace,
You blanket me and are always by my side.
You are my hope,
You are my strength,
When I feel like I can't go one step further.

Please help me God,
To quiet myself and listen for Your voice.
Shut out the noise and commotion,
So the confusion will die down.

I know You are the only way,
Help me never to forget.
Even when things feel so desperate,
Let my eyes be on Your light.

'Cause You are my love,
You are my peace,
You blanket me and are always by my side.
You are my hope,
You are my strength,
When I feel like I can't go one step further.

Help me see Your love,
And feel Your peace,
And always let You blanket me.
Help me know You are my strength,
And know I will never falter.

Oh I love You Lord,
You are my light.
And I need You more than ever,
Oh how I love You!

A Vastly Different Light

2007-04-18T13:44:00.000-06:00

"Life is hard. Most of us have reasons to lie down on life and never get up...Christ got down next to us in the grave, stayed the better part of three days, and then got up...so we'd have permission to get up too. And start living life. Beloved, let this one sink in deeply: if God allowed you to be thrown into a pit, you weren't picked on; you were picked out. God entrusted that suffering to you because He has faith in you. Live up to it. All the way up."

~ Beth Moore

I've heard a lot about Beth Moore and her writings. I haven't had a chance to read anything she's written until last week. A while ago I was looking for online Bible studies, etc. and I had happened upon a book by Beth Moore entitled, "Get Out of That Pit: Straight Talk about God's Deliverance ". At the time, I kinda put it in my memory bank and continued on my way. Last Wednesday, while at the Christian book store to run an errand, I turned and saw this book with a sales tag on it. My inner voice prompted me hard to get it, so I did and since then, when I have time to sit and read, I can't pry myself from this book.

It's caused me to reflect even deeper about a lot of things in my life...the direction it's going and whether or not I've been sitting idle, driving in reverse, in the midst of a detour, simply under construction or a multitude of other things which could be the direction of a trip. I've been thinking about the fact that there's nothing really wrong with most of these things if God is at the realm, but if we are attempting to take control of the directing, then there's endless possibilities of what could potentially go wrong.

Another thing which has been relevant lately has been my health. Deep down, I think it's probably been an issue, as to why it can't be figured out what's going on. I know it's an issue for many around me and I'm realizing that no matter how hard I might try not to, I have been drinking those into my system and this has been causing a wide variety of emotions. It came to me last night, that maybe I'm simply not supposed to know what's causing the repeated infections...maybe that's not what He wants me to take from this experience in life. Deep down, I think the lesson I'm supposed to take away is one of complete and total surrender of all things. A surrendering which is not conditional on eventually knowing the outcome of what's going on, but one which is simply allowing me to be content where I am and learning to live a full life in spite of the obstacles around me. Maybe there will come a time when the cause is figured out and options are available to help rid the infection for good. But I can't stay in idle, because who knows how long that might be and if it will ever be.

You know, the only thing I can really do, is to take steps to be able to live in the most positive light for Him. In this book three steps are talked about: CRY OUT, CONFESS and CONSENT. I haven't read far enough to say what the book says these steps are, but simply by looking at them, I feel a lot of peace. I know in my heart, that by doing these steps daily, I will get to that level of unconditional and complete surrender that He wants me at. I know there's a lot of work ahead of me, but I truly believe that it will all be for the better...the best for me, for my relationship with God, for my marriage, for my family, for those relationships with people around me and so much more.

Life's not always easy...many times it is hard and I think we do wish we could just lay down...at least I know I feel that way a lot of times. I think when you make a commitment to change and work on the betterment, the obstacles will increase and that feeling will be very overwhelming some days. But He's with us always...He knows us and loves us in the midst of all things, regardless of whether we see something as a success of failure, I believe He sees it all as progression to where He knows we all can be. That's a huge comfort, especially in times when you can't see the light at the end of tunnel and things seem to be getting increasingly worse instead of better. Even when it feels like He's not there and doesn't care, He does and so much more than we really know. It's those times which bring us to a deeper level with Him and cause us to see who He is in a vastly different light and also to see what He sees in us each and every moment of our life.

Contemplation....

2007-04-04T16:24:00.000-06:00

"As you feel the timber of the cross and trace the braid of the crown and finger the point of the spike - pause and listen. Perchance you will hear Him whisper: I did this JUST for YOU."

~ Max Lucado

Chosen...

2007-04-03T05:21:00.000-06:00

Give praise to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. He has blessed us with every spiritual blessing. Those blessings come from the heavenly world. They belong to us because we belong to Christ.

God chose us to belong to Christ before the world was created. He chose us to be holy and without blame in his eyes. He loved us. So he decided long ago to adopt us as his children. He did it because of what Jesus Christ has done. It pleased God to do it. All those things bring praise to his glorious grace. God freely gave us his grace because of the One he loves.

We have been set free because of what Christ has done. Through his blood our sins have been forgiven. We have been set free because God's grace is so rich. He poured his grace on us by giving us great wisdom and understanding.

He showed us the mystery of his plan. It was in keeping with what he wanted to do. It was what he had planned through Christ. It will all come about when history has been completed. God will then bring together all things in heaven and on earth under one ruler. The ruler is Christ.

We were also chosen to belong to him. God decided to choose us long ago in keeping with his plan. He works out everything to fit his plan and purpose. We were the first to put our hope in Christ. We were chosen to bring praise to his glory.

You also became believers in Christ. That happened when you heard the message of truth. It was the good news about how you could be saved. When you believed, he marked you with a seal. The seal is the Holy Spirit that he promised.

The Spirit marks us as God's own. We can now be sure that someday we will receive all that God has promised. That will happen after God sets all of his people completely free. All of those things will bring praise to his glory.

~Ephesians 1:3-14 (NIRV)

Courage...

2007-04-01T21:46:00.000-06:00

“Courage is not limited to the battlefield or the Indianapolis 500 or bravely catching a thief in your house. The real tests of courage are much quieter. They are the inner tests, like remaining faithful when nobody's looking, like enduring pain when the room is empty, like standing alone when you're misunderstood.”

~ Charles Swindoll

Comfort

2007-03-30T11:15:00.001-06:00

It's been a while since I really felt like typing anything. Even now, it's not necessarily that I feel like typing, but am continuing to sort a lot of things out. I've really been out of the loop in a lot of senses the past while, both in real life and this electronic world as well. This week held a tiny bit of returning to some sense of 'normalcy'. It very well might be that we're simply changing what 'normalcy' is, but whatever it might be called, a tiny bit of it has been felt this week.

The other night I was blessed to be able to attend a Wednesday night prayer service. It's an awesome circle of people who meet...a circle which is always open to as many people who want to be in it. There is a love and God's presence felt that I simply cannot do justice in through my words. To be able to drink in God's presence as richly as I did the other night, was a precious gift that I have missed SO very much. It's definitely experiences and things like that which allow you to gain a renewed sense of strength and vision, and that give you the endurance to continue down the winding road of this journey. We sang the song below on Wednesday...

GOD OF COMFORT
(DDOZLAW)

To the weary you have promised rest
To the earnest you promise righteousness
To the broken comes the time to be restored
Upon the pure in heart
Comes the presence of the Lord

When we pass through the waters
We will not be swept away
And as we pass through the fire
We will not be set ablaze
By that which all shall pass away
God of comfort
God of freedom God of hope
God of comfort
You are

To the troubled you have promised peace
To the shackled you promise true release
To the faithful come the prophecies fulfilled
Upon the selfless
Rests the blessing of Your will

When we pass through the waters
We will not be swept away
And as we pass through the fire
We will not be set ablaze
By that which all shall pass away
God of comfort
God of freedom God of hope
God of comfort
You are

You are
You are...

© 2001 Northview Music

As we sang, it felt like God's arms were coming around me and saying that it's okay that I feel tired, broken, weak and so much more. His presence engulfed me and in that moment, I knew that no matter what, I will come out standing strong. He'll give me all I need to endure and persevere.

Acceptance is so huge. The longing to be accepted by those around you, simply for where you're at and not for where you can't possibly be right now. The responsibility which lies on our shoulders, to not long for what we don't have or where we aren't, but to accept and be content with exactly where He's placed us and with all that is on our plates at this time.

To simply live a life which is pleasing to Him...I learned an important lesson the other night. I don't always see myself in a good light. I don't always see myself as being a very strong light for Him. I don't see myself as enduring this time gracefully, being strong in any sense of the word or being anything that would set any semblance of a good example or testimony for anyone around me. The other night I learned, that God often shows us who we truly are through the eyes of those around us. I really think some days, that this is why He has made us to live in the communities that we live in.

That's pretty humbling to me today...

Random Acts of Kindness Week

2007-03-27T20:56:00.001-06:00

I've been thinking a lot about living life randomly and with a strong component of love and kindness, regardless of what might be going on. I've also been thinking a lot about how I can properly model this to my kids and help them to have it be a strong installation in their lives from an early age.

Being that Random Acts of Kindess week was a little over a month ago, I thought I would post this video for some food for thought.

Really, my thought is that everyday poses endless opportunities, so I'm working towards having that component there daily.

All You Need...

2007-03-26T21:56:00.000-06:00

"Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance."
~Author Unknown

Quilt of Holes

As I faced my Maker at the last judgment, I knelt before the Lord along with all the other souls.

Before each of us laid our lives like the squares of a quilt in many piles; an angel sat before each of us sewing our quilt squares together into a tapestry that is our life.

But as my angel took each piece of cloth off the pile, I noticed how ragged and empty each of my squares was. They were filled with giant holes. Each square was labeled with a part of my life that had been difficult, the challenges and temptations I was faced with in every day life. I saw hardships that I endured, which were the largest holes of all.

I glanced around me. Nobody else had such squares. Other than a tiny hole here and there, the other tapestries were filled with rich color and the bright hues of worldly fortune. I gazed upon my own life and was disheartened.

My angel was sewing the ragged pieces of cloth together,threadbare and empty, like binding air.

Finally the time came when each life was to be displayed, held up to the light, the scrutiny of truth. The others rose; each in turn,holding up their tapestries. So filled their lives had been. My angel looked upon me, and nodded for me to rise.

My gaze dropped to the ground in shame. I hadn't had all the earthly fortunes. I had love in my life, and laughter. But there had also been trials of illness, and wealth, and false accusations that tookfrom me my world, as I knew it. I had to start over many times. I often struggled with the temptation to quit, only to somehow muster thestrength to pick up and begin again. I spent many nights on my knees in prayer, asking for help and guidance in my life. I had often been heldup to ridicule, which I endured painfully, each time offering it up to the Father in hopes that I would not melt within my skin beneath the judgmental gaze of those who unfairly judged me.

And now, I had to face the truth. My life was what it was, and I had to accept it for what it was.

I rose and slowly lifted the combined squares of my life to the light.

An awe-filled gasp filled the air. I gazed around at the others who stared at me with wide eyes.

Then, I looked upon the tapestry before me. Light flooded the many holes, creating an image, the face of Christ. Then our Lord stood before me, with warmth and love in His eyes. He said, "Every time you gave over your life to Me, it became My life, My hardships, and My struggles. Each point of light in your life is when you stepped aside and let Me shine through, until there was more of Me than there was of you."

May all our quilts be threadbare and worn, allowing Christ to shine through!

God determines who walks into your life....it's up to you to decide who you let walk away, who you let stay, and who you refuse to let go."

...When there is nothing left but God that is when you find out that God is all you need.

Where the Hell is Matt

2007-03-24T21:23:00.001-06:00

A friend sent this video to me a while ago. I like the sights it shows and especially like the music...it reminds me of the way my summer ended...beautiful and unforgettable!

Anyhow, I pull this up when I need to rest and drink in some sights and music.

Surrounded

2007-03-22T15:22:00.000-06:00

Cry Out To Jesus
Words by Mac Powell / Music by Third Day

To everyone who's lost someone they love
Long before it was their time
You feel like the days you had were not enough
when you said goodbye

And to all of the people with burdens and pains
Keeping you back from your life
You believe that there's nothing and there is no one
Who can make it right

There is hope for the helpless
Rest for the weary
Love for the broken heart
There is grace and forgiveness
Mercy and healing
He'll meet you wherever you are
Cry out to Jesus, Cry out to Jesus

For the marriage that's struggling just to hang on
They lost all of their faith in love
They've done all they can to make it right again
Still it's not enough

For the ones who can't break the addictions and chains
You try to give up but you come back again
Just remember that you're not alone in your shame
And your suffering

When your lonely
And it feels like the whole world is falling on you
You just reach out, you just cry out to Jesus
Cry to Jesus

To the widow who struggles with being alone
Wiping the tears from her eyes
For the children around the world without a home
Say a prayer tonight

This is another favorite which I've started listening to this week. It speaks volumes every time I play it, because it talks about how life is and what the answer is. It doesn't say that things will always be okay or you'll never have problems. What it does say, is that despite that, He's always there with you and you simply need to cry, whisper or just think the words...He'll hear them...He already knows what's being thought.

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." (Hebrews 12:1-3)

The Journey...

2007-03-20T12:40:00.001-06:00

I've found myself listening to more music than ever the past while. Listening in quiet reflection as I take in the words. Praying through some of the songs, especially in times where the words don't come easy. I'm beginning this week off, being able to sing in one on one worship. That's been virtually non-existent in my life the past few months, yet so very essential to how I'm wired.

As I continue this journey of figuring things out and wondering how things took some of the turns they did, I do have to look at the point of getting back to what I know works. Not only getting back to it, but making a pact between God and I, that I won't continue to lose sight of it. I've still got a distance to go in getting there, and really, things might always be a work towards other things.

As for our family, we are still fighting off illness. It seems we barely get all better and another falls ill. I am still on antibiotics, but thankfully all those nasty side effects of medicine have subsided...I'm remembering to use my head when taking my meds, which has helped a lot in making sure the side effects stay away. Am I completely better? I don't even want to wager a guess on that one. I'm going to leave it up to the doctors, because it's really out of my control in many ways. We're surviving and I know I'm feeling His presence in a very strong way this week, even more so than others...that's a small light in life right now. As I've told people, I'm trying hard to not yearn for where I could be, but simply be content with where I am. It's not easy to be content where you are, when that seems to be a low place, but I am realizing that for God to truly work through a situation, that total surrender is essential, so I am working hard towards that for Him.

This song is on my iPod and has been playing constantly...it's my new favorite. If you would like to listen to it, you can hear it here http://www.selahonline.com/...it's powerful and every time I listen to it, I feel His love wash over me and and that helps me to attend to the things I need to.

Glory
by Nichole Nordeman

One day, eyes that are blind will see you clearly
One day all who deny will finally believe
One day hearts made of stone will break in pieces
One day chains, once unbroken, will fall down at Your feet
So we wait
For that one day
Come quickly, we want to see Your…

Glory
Every knee falls down before Thee
Every tongue offers You praise, with every hand raised
Singing Glory
To You and unto You only
We’ll sing Glory to Your name.

One day, voices that lie will all be silenced
One day all that’s divided will be whole again
One day death will retreat, and wave its white flag
One day love will defeat the strongest enemy
So we wait
For that one day
Come quickly, we want to see Your…

Glory
Every knee falls down before Thee
Every tongue offers You praise, with every hand raised
Singing Glory
To You and unto You only
We’ll sing Glory to Your name.

We know not the day or the hour,
or the moments in between
But we know the end of the story…
when we’ll see Your…

Glory
Every knee falls down before Thee
Every tongue offers You praise, with every hand raised
Singing Glory
To You and unto You only
We’ll sing Glory to Your name.

Teach Me

2007-03-19T07:24:00.000-06:00

I would have to say that the past week has had the "Teach Me" theme stamped on it. Teach me to accept the season I'm in...to live with more grace and humility than ever before...to love deeper than I've ever loved...to live this life like I've never lived before...to not take so much for granted, but see it as the precious cargo it is...and so very more lessons which came out of this week.

I went away this weekend, as my friend put it...'to drink deeply from the well of my family'. And that's exactly what I did...I drank as deeply from their well as I could, so I could take as much of them as possible home in my heart. Leading up to leaving, I worked hard to drain my tank of some really dangerous toxins. I can't say that my tank was completely emptied, but some of it was and it allowed me to refuel in a huge way.

I know that this blog has probably been confusing for some who have come on, especially for the fact of me not saying all that's going on. I guess the easiest thing to say, is that I've been in a low...lots of things have caused it and it's been a struggle. But I came to an important place this week. There are seasons for everything and some last a lot longer than others. I'm working towards simply being content where I am and not wishing to be somewhere I'm not. I've been reading a lot about how God works through our weaknesses if we allow Him and that we do a lot of injustice, by not admitting our weaknesses or simply accepting the spot we are at and allowing Him to work through it.

So that's what I'm working towards right now. Simply being content and attempting to see the positive, no matter what the day holds. I wrote this at some point throughout the week...my writing has been focused between God and I. But, being that it's the theme for the week gone past, I thought I would share it.

Teach me to surrender
And not hold back in pride.
Help me to realize
The true benefits of you by my side.

I pray that you'll break me
As many times are required
To truly fall at your feet
And say I'm completely Yours.

To no longer want or need control,
But only truly need You.
To live each moment as the last,
No regrets or inhibitions.

Help me begin to live my life,
Like I've never lived before.
With a deep peace and love,
And complete trust in You.

No longer looking for answers,
Every place except at Your feet.
Bring me back to You I pray,
Bring me back to Your presence.

Help me feel You so strong,
That I know not fully accepting would be disaster.
Help me to say,
“At Your feet I will be, as long as You breath the breath of life into me.”

Take me and mold me as You see fit,
Break and recreate where it's needed.
As often as necessary,
No questions asked.

For Your Glory and not my fallen human nature,
I am Yours,
And through me let you be seen.
Not perfection, simply You and not me.

Faith

2007-03-10T19:54:00.000-06:00

"Faith is deliberate confidence in the character of God whose ways you may not understand at the time."

~ Oswald Chambers~

Directions

2007-03-09T00:32:00.000-06:00

Have you ever felt like you're simply being pulled in a million different directions?

You see, right now that's where I am on many different levels. My family is continuing to battle illness...you know we've gotten really used to having me sick, but lately I've been sicker than usual and right now it seems we're guaranteed to have at least one, if not more of us sick all at once. This has went on for a month now...it's getting really exhausting. There are days where I am angry and frustrated, yet trying hard to find what I'm supposed to find in this.

I know some would say, you don't need to find something in everything. But my thought is that when something lasts as long as it's lasted, there's something to be found, taken and learned from. Whether that be to slow down and rest or to simply start surrendering and quit relying so much on your own power...I don't know, but I'm feebly attempting to do what I can...whether it's enough or not is yet to be seen.

I guess the other thing is that I've been feeling a pull ministry-wise for so long, yet I've balked it for a variety of reasons. If I'm being completely honest, I'd have to say that my pride and some fear have played a part and also what those around me have been thinking about it. Yet as much as I want to jump into something, I then think about whether or not, while I'm sick, am I clearly discerning anything...especially the voice of God. Right now I think I'd have to say no. And for that reason I will continue to wait and attend to the most important ministry I have...my family.

They are my most important ministry. I think sometimes in the hustle and bustle of life or in the despairing times, I tend to forget that sometimes. So this weekend, as our plans have been placed on hold yet again, due to illness and all that, I will attend to my family in the best way I can. I may not be who I normally am or do all I normally do, but I'll simply be there for them how I can and I know that'll be enough, because they simply want me and I simply want them.

You know, I'm up right now because I can't sleep, but yet I'm so tired! So that's why I was typing, but now I think it's time to stop and go to Him and cry out yet again. And this week, it's literally been 'crying out', but I don't think that's a bad thing either, 'cause at times it feels like the frustration, pain and anger are pouring out...at least they're pouring out and allowing me to heal spiritually, if nothing else.

"There is a time for everything. There's a time for everything that is done on earth. There is a time to be born. And there's a time to die. There is a time to plant. And there's a time to pull up what is planted. There is a time to kill. And there's a time to heal. There is a time to tear down. And there's a time to build up. There is a time to cry. And there's a time to laugh. There is a time to be sad. And there's a time to dance. There is a time to scatter stones. And there's a time to gather them. There is a time to hug. And there's a time not to hug. There is a time to search. And there's a time to stop searching. There is a time to keep. And there's a time to throw away. There is a time to tear. And there's a time to mend. There is a time to be silent. And there's a time to speak. There is a time to love. And there's a time to hate. There is a time for war. And there's a time for peace."

~ Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

My Rock of Clinging...

2007-03-08T14:00:00.000-06:00

"So we're not giving up. How could we! Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace. These hard times are small potatoes compared to the coming good times, the lavish celebration prepared for us. There's far more here than meets the eye. The things we see now are here today, gone tomorrow. But the things we can't see now will last forever. "

~ 2 Corinthians 4:16-18 (The Message)

Focusing...

2007-03-07T08:48:00.000-06:00

"Every time you cross my mind, I break out in exclamations of thanks to God. Each exclamation is a trigger to prayer. I find myself praying for you with a glad heart. I am so pleased that you have continued on in this with us, believing and proclaiming God's Message, from the day you heard it right up to the present. There has never been the slightest doubt in my mind that the God who started this great work in you would keep at it and bring it to a flourishing finish on the very day Christ Jesus appears.

It's not at all fanciful for me to think this way about you. My prayers and hopes have deep roots in reality. You have, after all, stuck with me all the way from the time I was thrown in jail, put on trial, and came out of it in one piece. All along you have experienced with me the most generous help from God. He knows how much I love and miss you these days. Sometimes I think I feel as strongly about you as Christ does!

So this is my prayer: that your love will flourish and that you will not only love much but well. Learn to love appropriately. You need to use your head and test your feelings so that your love is sincere and intelligent, not sentimental gush. Live a lover's life, circumspect and exemplary, a life Jesus will be proud of: bountiful in fruits from the soul, making Jesus Christ attractive to all, getting everyone involved in the glory and praise of God."

~ Philippians 1:3-11

This is pretty much all I can muster up for blogging this week. I'll be back to comment to those of you who have left comments, but that'll have to be later in the week. This passage is hopefully where I will find myself reading and reflecting today. Despite all which is going on, I am living with thankfulness for all whom He's brought into my life. Trying hard to place my focus on the positive, in order to place a shadow on the negative. Isn't easy and isn't always accomplished, but that's where I am and it'll have to be good enough for now.

The extent of my writing are the words below...they might not make much sense, but right now I honestly don't make a lot of sense. Oh well, we live with what we have!

As the dawn begins to rise
I slowly open up my eyes.
What will today hold?
What will I need?

God, please let me be real!
No games, no walls or masks.
To live my life without attempts for super heroics.
Help me know that I show you through both the bad and the good.

No matter what comes,
Joy or saddness, peace or chaos,
Health or illness, life or death.
Instead of me,
I pray you'll somehow shine through.

Masks and Bungee Jumping

2007-03-05T12:01:00.000-06:00

"And now, here's what I'm going to do: I'm going to start all over again. I'm taking her back out into the wilderness where we had our first date, and I'll court her. I'll give her bouquets of roses. I'll turn Heartbreak Valley into Acres of Hope. She'll respond like she did as a young girl, those days when she was fresh out of Egypt.

"At that time"—this is God's Message still— "you'll address me, 'Dear husband!' Never again will you address me, 'My slave-master!' I'll wash your mouth out with soap, get rid of all the dirty false-god names, not so much as a whisper of those names again. At the same time I'll make a peace treaty between you and wild animals and birds and reptiles, And get rid of all weapons of war. Think of it! Safe from beasts and bullies! And then I'll marry you for good—forever! I'll marry you true and proper, in love and tenderness. Yes, I'll marry you and neither leave you nor let you go. You'll know me, God, for who I really am.

"On the very same day, I'll answer"—this is God's Message— "I'll answer the sky, sky will answer earth, Earth will answer grain and wine and olive oil, and they'll all answer Jezreel. I'll plant her in the good earth. I'll have mercy on No-Mercy.I'll say to Nobody, 'You're my dear Somebody,' and he'll say 'You're my God!'"

Then God ordered me, "Start all over: Love your wife again, your wife who's in bed with her latest boyfriend, your cheating wife. Love her the way I, God, love the Israelite people, even as they flirt and party with every god that takes their fancy."

I did it. I paid good money to get her back. It cost me the price of a slave. Then I told her, "From now on you're living with me. No more whoring, no more sleeping around. You're living with me and I'm living with you."

The people of Israel are going to live a long time stripped of security and protection,without religion and comfort, godless and prayerless. But in time they'll come back, these Israelites, come back looking for their God and their David-King. They'll come back chastened to reverence before God and his good gifts, ready for the End of the story of his love.

(Hosea 2:14-23; 3:1-5)

Okay, so I'm blogging twice in one day...in one morning. Big Mister and Little Miss have a day off of school, so Little Mister and I are taking one as well...at least the morning...we're all going to do some work this afternoon!

But anyhow, I read this scripture passage on Friday. It brought me to many places...a place where I just wept, truly let everything drain out of me through my tears. It brought me to a place of realizing how hard I am on myself so many days. I realized a little bit, the danger I play by being so hard on myself. I think this often causes me to not truly realize the extent of potential God does have in my life.

I sat on Friday and was truly honest with myself...about everything...my fears, disappointments, short-comings, pain, frustrations. I came to a place of realizing that I can't live my life with walls up and expect that I'll get anything substantial out of it...relationships, friendships, my walk with Christ, my potential in all my roles...they will never reach their full potential and people will never truly see ME, until I break the walls down.

Even as I sit and type, I'm crying, because at some point in my life I bought into Satan's lie that I needed to live a perfect life and that I couldn't just simply be me. You know, I might not be perfect, but I'm beautiful in His eyes, from the inside out.

My friend's sermon yesterday was all about masks and taking them OFF! Beginning to live real and not try to hide behind the masks of life appearing to be perfect, fear, anger, etc. I've been living with multiple masks on, partly because I felt I was doing everyone a favor if I spared them what was truly going on. I didn't want to heap anyone's plate with my problems and have them be over-burdened...but I didn't allow them to make that decision...I made it for them! In the process of making that decision, I essentially put a huge wall between a lot of people and me, by not allowing them all the way in.

I'm working towards the demolition on those walls. Do I think it will come today or overnight? Was Rome built in a day? No...just like it takes time for walls to be erected, it will take time to demolish them. It will take restraint, strength and courage to not fall back into 'old' ways and build those walls back up again. It will take that same restraint, strength and courage to truly be honest and allow my true identity to be seen.

But despite the hardships, I know that I am going to experience a freedom like I've never experienced before. I'm experiencing a small bit of it today, even as I reflect and begin to change course. Does it mean that things will always be peachy? That problems, pain, grief, anger, etc. will never arise? No, but what it does mean, is that I will hopefully begin to handle them very differently! I will allow people into my world. truly into it, to see what's going on and will realize that it's perfectly okay to be there. I will slowly learn to be content with where I am, and not where I think I should be. I will slowly learn to be content with who I am, and not whom I think I should be.

Do I walk a very winding path of life sometimes? A friend once likened it to 'bungee-jumping'. Yeah I do tend to walk that sort of life, but the hugest blessing is the fact of the people who are there to support and guide me when my cord breaks. They love me for me, even when I can't love myself. They see me for who I truly am, especially when I can't see it myself. They often know me much better than I know myself. But for me, that's the truest blessings of this life!

Because of You...

2007-03-04T21:54:00.000-06:00

THERE’S A PLACE
(Paul Oakley)

THERE’S A PLACE WHERE THE STREETS SHINE
WITH THE GLORY OF THE LAMB
THERE’S A WAY WE CAN GO THERE
WE CAN LIVE THERE BEYOND TIME

BECAUSE OF YOU- BECAUSE OF YOU
BECAUSE OF YOUR LOVE-BECAUSE OF YOUR BLOOD

NO MORE PAIN- NO MORE SADNESS
NO MORE SUFFERING- NO MORE TEARS
NO MORE SIN- NO MORE SICKNESS
NO INJUSTICE- NO MORE DEATH

BECAUSE OF YOU- BECAUSE OF YOU
BECAUSE OF YOUR LOVE-BECAUSE OF YOUR BLOOD

ALL OUR SINS ARE WASHED AWAY
AND WE CAN LIVE FOREVER
NOW WE CAN HAVE THIS HOPE BECAUSE OF YOU
OH WE’LL SEE YOU FACE TO FACE
AND WE WILL DANCE TOGETHER
IN THE CITY OF OUR GOD BECAUSE OF YOU

THERE IS JOY EVERLASTING
THERE IS GLADNESS- THERE IS PEACE
THERE IS WINE EVER FLOWING
THERE’S A WEDDING- THERE’S A FEAST

BECAUSE OF YOU- BECAUSE OF YOU
BECAUSE OF YOUR LOVE-BECAUSE OF YOUR BLOOD

There was a funeral on Saturday at our church for a very remarkable woman of God. This was the closing song and it's been in my head ever since. I woke up, both yesterday and this morning, with this song singing through my head...drums, guitar and all!

It's been a very humbling and hugely amazing weekend. It was the first time I've actually been out a good portion of the time and not come home completely exhausted. For the first time since the end of November, beginning of December, I can cautiously say that I feel like I might be on the mend. I know I have a long way to go, but it feels like we might have actually found the key to moving forward a little at a time.

I've done a lot of soul searching this weekend. I've really sat and thought about what is truly important in my life. Thought about what really brings purpose and meaning to who I am. What I truly need to do to be strong and seeming to continually be free-falling in a bad way.

It's been a very overwhelming weekend, but at the same time, very rewarding and powerful. Life's precious...I'm finally back to wanting to truly live it out again!

Claims and Places

2007-03-01T11:17:00.000-06:00

WHAT THE LORD HAS DONE IN ME
(Reuben Morgan)

LET THE WEAK SAY I AM STRONG
LET THE POOR SAY I AM RICH
LET THE BLIND SAY I CAN SEE
IT’S WHAT THE LORD HAS DONE IN ME

HOSANNA HOSANNA
TO THE LAMB THAT WAS SLAIN
HOSANNA HOSANNA
JESUS DIED AND ROSE AGAIN

INTO THE RIVER I WILL WADE
THERE MY SINS ARE WASHED AWAY
FROM THE HEAVENS MERCY STREAMS
OF THE SAVIOR’S LOVE FOR ME

I WILL RISE FROM WATERS DEEP
INTO THE SAVING ARMS OF GOD
I WILL SING SALVATION SONGS
JESUS CHRIST HAS SET ME FREE

We sang this song on Sunday at church. It came into my head and I began to sing it a little while ago. It's a song of huge strength for me, because it speaks of how powerful His love is for us.

I was emailing with a friend this morning and I wrote these words... "A small light was that despite how everything has been, yesterday was actually a pretty good day. I was going through my serving seminar results and was also going through some scripture from the Bible study assignment our group was going to do. I came to a place of knowing deep inside that I will come through everything strong and I simply can't focus on the negatives any longer. I can't beat myself up because of the short-comings I might be portraying, but simply draw more from Him...knowing that eventually those short-comings might not be there, or at least nearly as bad as they are currently."

I guess I've also been trying to take personal inventory and this was a question I asked..."The last while as I've struggled, have I portrayed a bad walk or huge lack of faith?"

I think for me, the biggest fear I have is that I will portray God in a bad light, through how I deal with the trials in my life. I know deep within me, as a result of things which have happened in the past and just because of how I think, that I do have a strong faith. But my worry is, that if I have to continue to justify this in my mind, then am I being blasphemous to God on a daily basis? Am I falling short in my love and devotion to Him?

I am actually going to be claiming this song as a daily prayer for me. I want to make that conscious effort...to go to Him, to be in the river, washed clean to start the day and living each day in His loving arms. I know I'm saved because of His love and therefore, I know that I will be victorious...so will you.

I guess you could say that this post is simply the beginning of me being able to wrap my head around what God's speaking right now. It's the beginning of me digging deep within myself and pulling myself closer to Him. It's the beginning of trying to stomp the excess noise and lies of the enemy, which come into my mind daily. I guess you could say I'm accepting me for me and claiming myself for Who I truly belong to. Remember Day: 25: Transformed by Trouble from The Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren that I was talking about yesterday? This portion talks about life, problems and God's role in those. There will be more reflection to come on this chapter...it was the medicine I needed to take in this week. I am going to end with this passage from that chapter...

"God has a purpose behind every problem.

He uses circumstances to develop our character. In fact, he depends more on circumstances to make us like Jesus than he depends on our reading the Bible. The reason is obvious: You face circumstances twenty-four hours a day.

Jesus warned us that we would have problems in the world. No one is immune to pain or insulated from suffering, and no one gets to skate through life problem-free. Life is a series of problems. Every time you solve one, another is waiting to take its place. Not all of them are big, but all are significant in God's growth process for you...

God uses problems to draw you closer to himself...Your most profound and intimate experiences of worship will likely be in your darkest days - when your heart is broken, when you feel abandoned, when you're out of options, when the pain is great - and you turn to God alone. It is during suffering that we learn to pray our most authentic, heartfelt, honest-to-God prayers. When we're in pain, we don't have the energy for superficial prayers.

Joni Eareckson Tada notes, "When life is rosy, we may slide by with knowing about Jesus, with imitating him and quoting him and speaking of him. But only in suffering will we know Jesus." We learn things about God in suffering that we can't learn any other way."
(The Purpose Driven Life, by Rick Warren)