A Clean Slate

"I'm thankful that each day is a brand new one...a clean slate...a chance to continue to press on...simply doing life & embracing all there is to experience, if only I have the resolve to keep my eyes forward & not allow them to shift back to that which I can't change."

This morning when I logged onto Facebook, this was what came to mind, so it was what got posted as my status update for the day. A lot of things have been flying through my head and the underlying themes with everything is that I can't change the past, and going through life, looking back & beating myself up for every mistake & short-coming I've ever had will do no good and will only deter the forward motion that I'm created to have. But, the reality is that this falls into my hands. I am the only one who can find and keep the resolve to place my eyes forward and keep them there. So, I'm desperately trying to do that today and will wake up tomorrow and desperately try to do it again. And hopefully down the road, it will be a more natural & calm choice, instead of continuing to be a desperate action .

Martina McBride - Anyway

Peaceful Conflict Resolution

Peaceful Conflict Resolution

Respect the right to disagree.

Express your real concerns.
Share common goals and interests.

Open yourself to different points of view.

Listen carefully to all proposals.

Understand the major issues involved.

Think about probable consequences.

Imagine several possible alternative solutions.

Offer some reasonable compromises.

Negotiate mutually fair cooperative agreements.

--Robert E. Valett

Came across this in my drafts. I saw it last year on a poster which was hanging in the lunchroom I helped out in. I Googled it and printed out a copy which now hangs on the wall in my office, as a daily reminder of how I need to approach my job and life in general. I actually really want to print out another copy and hang it on the bulletin board in our kitchen...I think it could bring forth some really rich discussions.

I like the fact the first thing stressed is that it's OKAY to disagree and further down the list it also speaks about being open to different points of view. It then goes on to speak about the importance of voicing your real concerns, making sure you are hearing all points of view & proposals, think about reasonable outcomes and more to make sure you examine more than one outcome ('cause there's never really just one answer to a situation).

What struck me when I first saw this poster, and which continues to, is that if we start living these points out in our lives, I think we would find ourselves closer to being connected more fully with those around us. We would become a much more understanding people. We would begin to love and live life in a totally different way. And I think that new way of living out life would be much closer to how Jesus lived His life and deep down I believe He probably desires for us to live our lives.

Well, those are my thoughts at least...

Synchronicity

This fall, after throwing out every excuse in the book (and there were A LOT in that list), I found myself saying yes to taking a class that was being offered at our church. This class is different than anything I've ever taken. It brought me out of my comfort zone, on many levels, right from the start. But now that I'm 3 1/2 months into it, I look back and realize that it's been a very good thing.

I had a conversation with a friend the other day about the fact, that more than once what's been discussed in class has come up in our church's Sunday morning sermon, which has allowed the dialogue to continue on in my brain.

"see, that's the kind of synchronicity we can expect when we're letting God speak through seemingly random spiritual disciplines."

My friend answered back about how cool the synchronicity is that happens when we let God speak through seemingly random things. Yeah it's very cool...on multiple levels. That synchronicity has me thinking often on the gravity of being open enough to let God speak through every aspect of life, even the ones that don't have any connection in our mind or those that we don't really think anything could be spoken through. It comes with the responsibility of being prepared to go deeper...and to embrace all that entails. To look deep within...to hear the, "Whys and questions" which will inevitably come out of that process. Being prepared to face those, "Whys and questions" that surface and both the good & the bad that comes from that. It means being willing to peel away the layers of this life and honestly find answers...not to just fly off quick and easy surface responses, but instead to allow deep and purposeful responses to arise.

What I'm finally beginning to realize, is that the journey deeper is one which will eventually bring you to a place of realizing how awesome His love is for each one of us. It will bring forth the challenge to see yourself through His eyes...to see all that He sees when He looks at you, rather than viewing yourself through human eyes.

For me, even though it's a really cool process to experience, I also find it very scary at times. But then I look back and see where I've come from and that brings forth strength to journey on...to jump the hurdles of fear and to continue to penetrate deeper. Inevitably I've found myself going down some of the tunnels of life that I said I would never visit again...sometimes coming back out of them seeing things in a very different light than I ever saw them before or simply coming back out feeling a little less entrapped by the anger, pain, confusion, etc. of some of those tunnels.

“You’re my son (daughter). I’m crazy about you and well into everything you do.” (Rob Lacey)

This quote was read at the end of our service on Sunday...the daughter portion was added in for those of us who were of the female variety in the crowd. I found a lot of comfort in it...in knowing that no matter what, I have a Heavenly Father who's crazy about every aspect of me. And I was challenged...to begin living my life with that same kind of love. To live life with a deep love... in every circumstance I find myself. A deep love that I'll readily offer to every person that crosses my path, including the one I see in the mirror each day and also to the Heavenly Father who never leaves my side.

Mr Bean - Nativity Scene

Christmas Turkey

Mr. Bean Christmas On the Street

We've had an awesome time celebrating with family today. Our kids received the Mr. Bean box set and we've spent some quality time laughing at our favourite Mr. Bean Christmas scenes.

Who Am I?

Who am I? They often tell me
I stepped from my cell's confinement
Calmly, cheerfully, firmly,
Like a squire from his country-house.
Who am I? They often tell me
I used to speak to my warders
Freely and friendly and clearly,
As though it were mine to command.
Who am I? They also tell me
I bore the days of misfortune
Equally, smilingly, proudly,
Like one accustomed to win.

Am I then really all that which other men tell of?
Or am I only what I myself know of myself?
Restless and longing and sick, like a bird in a cage,
Struggling for breath, as though hands were
Compressing my throat,
Yearning for colors, for flowers, for voices of birds,
Thirsting for words of kindness, for neighborliness,
Tossing in expectation of great events,
Powerlessly trembling for friends at an infinite distance,
Weary and empty at praying, at thinking, at making,
Faint, and ready to say farwell to it all?

Who am I? This or the other?
Am I one person today and tomorrow another?
Am I both at once? A hypocrite before others,
And before myself a contemptibly woebegone weakling?
Or is something within me still like a beaten army,
Fleeing in disorder from victory already achieved?
Who am I? They mock me, these lonely questions of mine.
Whoever I am, Thou knowest, O God, I am Thine!

~ Dietrich Bonhoeffer

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back from captivity."

~ Jeremiah 29.11-14

Hmmm...the one verse that characterizes the journey of our family. One that we look to often, even more so in times of crisis. And tonight this picture seems to fit the verse like a glove in my mind for one reason or another. Maybe because the pictures signifies a time when I encountered God in a very real way...brings me back to this really peaceful moment and place found in this beautiful country ravaged by civil war.

But the other reason is that it signifies for me a visual of what it takes to completely and totally trust that He does indeed have plans for you. And then not only to trust that, but to give up control and let yourself be led down the path He has in mind, even though you can't see what's around the corner.

Never an easy thing...especially when through our human eyes the path He's directing towards seems far from what we might consider a hopeful future.

Thank You

I found myself writing in my journal yesterday for what seemed like the first time in a very long time. The past while I've lost track of many things, especially of who I truly am and what things I need to do in order to truly commune with God, even on the simplest of levels.

Yesterday as I wrote I began to say, "Thank You" to God for Sunday. This past Sunday, He set things up so that I ended coming into church late. My kids were sitting with my sister and because I couldn't find them, I snuck in the back row...it was empty and I felt draw to sit there. And then began one of the most amazing experiences I've had with God in quite a while. I met with Him just like it was the first time. Despite the fact the room was really full, it was like there wasn't a single soul in that room except God and I. And as in the picture above, my arms were raised and I felt His Spirit gently wrapping around me, making it ever known that He was right there with me.

Honestly, I've been living in the wilderness for a while...am still probably on the fringe. But on Sunday He made it known that no matter where I walk, He'll also be right there with me...even though I might not feel like He is.

I've been listening to this song almost daily...it seems a fitting way to end this post. He truly does take us as He finds us and uses us for His purposes, because He truly is mighty to save.

Mighty to Save
Hillsong Australia

Everyone needs compassion,
Love that's never failing;
Let mercy fall on me.

Everyone needs forgiveness,
The kindness of a Saviour;
The Hope of nations.

Saviour, He can move the mountains,
My God is Mighty to save,
He is Mighty to save.

Forever, Author of salvation,
He rose and conquered the grave,
Jesus conquered the grave.

So take me as You find me,
All my fears and failures,
Fill my life again.

I give my life to follow
Everything I believe in,
Now I surrender.

My Saviour, He can move the mountains,
My God is Mighty to save,
He is Mighty to save.

Forever, Author of salvation,
He rose and conquered the grave,
Jesus conquered the grave. (x2)

Shine your light and let the whole world see,
We're singing for the glory of the risen King...Jesus (x2)

My Saviour, He can move the mountains,
My God is Mighty to save,
He is Mighty to save.

Forever, Author of salvation,
He rose and conquered the grave,
Jesus conquered the grave. (x2)

Shine your light and let the whole world see,
We're singing for the glory of the risen King...Jesus. (x4)

Breaking Free of the Addiction

Addiction
A physical or psychological need for a habit-forming substance, such as a drug or alcohol. In physical addiction, the body adapts to the substance being used and gradually requires increased amounts to reproduce the effects originally produced by smaller doses.




The one thing I've already realized this year is how easy a person can allow themselves to become enslaved to something without even realizing they were enslaved at all.

And yes, this image is portraying what I allowed my body to become enslaved to. Yes, I purchased it and drank it, but didn't realize how much I was consuming. How do you not know this? I don't really have a good answer for you, except to say DENIAL!!

So I've started this year off on an interesting note. I told God that I want to be free of this. I want to come to him for all things, instead of turning to consuming something when under stress, etc. I made the decision to quit purchasing and consuming and quit cold turkey.

Have to confess that I don't know if the cold turkey method was the right approach to take. It's definitely been a much harder road than I thought it would ever be. As in the words of a friend..."it's really eating at you, isn't it!" Yes, it is eating at me...more some days than others. Would love to say that I can walk by a huge display in the store and I don't give it a second thought, but that would definitely be a lie.

But every day that ends as another one free of that substance entering my body is an awesome thing. And the differences in attitude and ability to handle stress and work load have been eye-opening. I'm a different person and that difference makes me a much better wife, mom, friend, co-worker, etc. and that's the best reason of all to continue on the journey to be free of it!

State of Refusal

Have you ever known you were supposed to step out in faith and do something? A time when He's deeply speaking, it makes complete sense and feels right? But yet you made the choice to refuse based on residue from a past attempt to step out?

Who knows, maybe I'm just crazy, but that's very much where I am. God's telling me to go and I want to badly, but there have been questions posed about things in the past and questioning of why I really think I'm supposed to go, that I don't know if I'm can put myself out there just o be stomped down yet again.

Why the picture? That's where He's telling me I'm supposed to go...since the day we returned from there a couple of years ago He's been speaking that I needed to prepare to go back. Last year I even filled out a ton of paperwork in preparation to apply to go and ended up ripping it up and throwing it away, because some questions I fielded caused me to question and buy into the fact I'm never going back, that I'm not able to be a good enough team member...one whom can work through all people in whatever circumstances present themselves, that I'm a mom and too old to be on a team and therefore do not fit the mold of what a team member should be.

So now I sit, and right now, in a state of refusal. It's basically a protection of the heart...trying to avoid any more hurt than that which has already come. There aren't many words to say what that feels like...basically...crushed and heart broken...and wondering why God allowed my heart to meet, fellowship and begin to love people and a place so deeply, when He knew that would cause me to want to go back and minister in whatever was required of me, yet only to make it seem impossible to ever go back, even though He's saying to.

So now I sit at a crossroads...to drop the refusal and step out, despite what others might think, to step out but go somewhere completely different and see what comes from it or to risk not going anywhere at all.

2 Minutes of Silence

Brokenness

As I attended a city-wide prayer service tonight, I found myself grabbing paper and allowing myself to worship and pray with paper and a pen. To many it might seem like jibberish, but to me it's a snapshot of who He is at different points in my life. Things He is to me...the picture above is from a different time, but it's reassuring to me to look at this and know that no matter what's going on in life, I'm able to hold tight to Him. Because with Him all things are possible...

I've been on a fast from music for a couple of days and as I logged on to write something, these were the first lyrics I fell upon (yes, I have quite a few lyrics stored up in my drafts section...past lyrics heard often spark a blog in my mind). So now as I formulate what to say I have this song playing.

Broken and Beautiful
Mark Schultz

There’s a businessman

There’s a widowed wife

There’s a smiling face with a shattered life

There’s a teenage girl with a choice to make

It’s crowded here in church today

And the preacher says as the sermon ends

Please close your eyes and bow your heads

Is there anyone in need of prayer

Jesus wants to meet you here ‘cause we all fall short

We all have sinned

But when you let God’s Grace break in…

(Chorus)

It’s beautiful

Beautiful

Come as you are

Surrender your heart

Broken and beautiful

Well he’d never been to church before

But he came today as a last resort

His world was crashing in

And he was suffocating in his sin

But tears ran down

As hope rushed in

He closed his eyes

Raised his hands

Worshiping the God who can

Bring him back to life again

(Chorus)

Cause there’s nothing more beautiful to God

Than when his sons and daughters come

Broken

Alleluia

Alleluia

Come as you are

(Chorus)

Broken and beautiful

Beautiful

This song reminds me so much of the journey I'm on. I'm a pretty private person, so the journey's not something I discuss with many people. But I will say that there's huge freedom when you're able to come to the point of realizing it's okay to be broken...that it's a truly beautiful thing...to be broken. He's so much more at ease with us being broken then trying to give off a perception of anything else.

Coming to a place of accepting what He already knows, sees and loves, so as to grow closer to Him and stronger for Him. A pretty important life goal to have...a goal that takes longer for some to see than others. But in all reality, the time length doesn't matter to Him...the commitment to that goal is what matters in His eyes.

Worth...

“The Christian self-image means understanding that your worth is found in your amazing dignity as God's image bearer.”

~ Point of Grace

Mountains Blocking the View of God

"Isn't it interesting how seeing the face of God may very well entail gazing deeply into our own, regardless of our fear of that?"

Yes, it's not that I have completely forgot about blogging...I simply haven't been able to write for a variety of reasons...busyness of life, because I didn't want to write posts if they had a dark feeling looming over them, plain old writer's block to name a few...but I decided if I waited for an optimum time to write, or for the right words to hit the screen, then I'd never write. The comment above came in an email and got me thinking. I figured if I saved it at this venue, eventually I would make it around to attempting to write something...so here goes nothing.

This summer's entailed a lot for me...one thing I've come away with is that I want to know God deeper, and also, truly know & see myself as He does. I'm at a point where I'm willing to do whatever it takes to get there. I know by even saying those words that it opens things up in the spiritual realm, 'cause there's that realm out there that really doesn't want us to draw closer to Him.

The above quote was stated to me by a friend. It is indeed very interesting. There are monkeys that get on people's backs and in their faces. But sometimes the biggest obstacle that's in the way of us seeing God's face is ourselves. And to make that mountain even bigger is the fear of having to truly look in the mirror, see ourselves for who we are (the person He knows we are...loves deeply...and accepts right where we're at, not expecting anymore than that) and offer that same grace and acceptance that He offers us every moment of each day.

Maybe for some people this is an easy task. For me it's NEVER been an easy task. My hope is that one day it will be an easier thing for me to do. I long for that day. I long for the peace, strength, renewal, joy and deep communion that will bring.

I've been listening to this song a fair bit today. Seemed like a fitting way to end this post. It talks about some of those mountains that block the view of God. It's also a good reminder about the fact you will always come upon forks in the road of life...and you have to consciously make a decision at every one. You can continue to reach out for help and guidance even when it's difficult. He knows the situation...He'll reach back, meet you right where you're at and pour out all you need to continue. The difficulty comes when you make the second decision and choose to not reach out and allow yourself to be drowned with all He has, and wants, to offer. The choice to walk down a path alone and without direction.

Seems like an easy thing to write in black and white, but not always so easy when faced with the decision in real time...

Sunshine
(Kara Williamson)

Forgive me Lord for I have sinned
And I've been places
I should never have been
And I'm tired of feeling guilty

All the time
Lost in a whirlwind
A thunderstorm raging deep within
And only You can save me
Lord come and save me

You are my sunshine
You are my rainbow
Even when it's raining inside
You fill my heart with sunshine
You are the silver line
Making all things beautiful
Bursting through each cloud of mine
You fill my heart with sunshine

I lift my hands to greet the rain
And praise You through each drop of pain
For hope could never disappoint me now

Light of the world come pouring down
Till in Your glory I am drowned
And only You can save me
I know You can save me

Lord let Your love rain down on me
Lord let Your glory come and set me free

Bless and Be Blessed

When I was over at Just so you'll know I had a chance to watch this link http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LfeXxkbgCVE. It was a good way to start today. Reminded me of something my friend often says...bless and be blessed!

A Little Worship Photography

I've had the chance to attend one full night and another partial night of a "Worship Module" being held at my church. Being that it's smack in the midst of soccer season, to even attend a little bit is a good thing. Anyhow, last week I came back to work and decided I just wanted to spend some time photographing the back wall of our church. We have this really awesome mural at the back. I know that everyone who looks at the mural sees different things, but I took the opportunity to take some close up pics for specific reasons.

You see, when I look at the first one, it reminds of the fact that my church is a sanctuary. When I'm in a bad spot, I like to go to the church and just be. I like the image of the church because it reminds me of ours. We are a unique and loving bunch.

I love the image of the guy. He's looking forward and not backwards. Exactly how we're supposed to be. We can't change the past, can't be consumed by the immediate happenings of today...we have to be living with the end in mind. Fix our eyes on the end, realizing that there'll be many twists and turns, detours and dead-ends.

Well, I took more, but I'm not going to put them all up...it's late and been a very busy week...let's face it, I'm tired! If you want to see a full size shot of the mural and reason for it's happening, you can go http://northvus.blogspot.com/2005/10/was-only-joke.html, http://northvus.blogspot.com/2006/05/depth-to-surface.html.

Have to say it's definately been a great experience to step out and learn to worship God in different pathways other than the norm. Especially through photography and art, as they are very refreshing to me. I think there's a lot of freedom in learning to worship your way, despite whether it's the way those around you would choose to enter in.

It's nice that He brings those life lessons, especially in the midst of life running at insane paces. That's a real sweet blessing...

Valuable Words

I received an email yesterday with some pretty good life lessons...

DON'T HURT ANYONE!

"It only takes a few seconds to hurt people you love, and it can take years to heal."

LIVE TODAY!

"There are two eternities that can really break you down. Yesterday and Tomorrow. One is gone and the other doesn't exist...so live today."

MARRIAGE!

"Do not marry a person that you know that you can live with; only marry someone that you cannot live without."

MONEY!

"Money can buy everything but happiness."

TRUST!

"It takes years to build trust and a few seconds to destroy it."

VALUE!

"What is most valuable is not what you have in your life, but who you have in your life."

Carrying Arms...

He Will Carry Me

(Mark Schultz)

I call, You hear me

I’ve lost it all

And it’s more than I can bear

I feel so empty

You’re strong

I’m weary

I’m holdin’ on

But I feel like givin’ in

But still You’re with me

chorus:

And even though I’m walkin’ through

The valley of the shadow

I will hold tight to the hand of Him

Whose love will comfort me

And when all hope is gone

And I’ve been wounded in the battle

He is all the strength that I will

Ever need

And He will carry me

I know I’m broken

But You alone

Can mend this heart of mine

You’re always with me

chorus

And even though I feel so lonely

Like I’ve never been before

You never said it would be easy

But You said you’d see me through

The storm

chorus

This song has been playing the last couple of days in my van, at some point during my trek. I've been digging deep the past while. Looking towards Him and trying hard to see the many blessings through the storm(s). Funny how storms come in a variety of forms. For our house it's seemed like endless illness or pesky childhood bugs and also through simply the busyness of life and constant demands that simply come from all the different aspects of life.

A lot of prayers have been lifted up from my mouth, to simply give me strength to endure what's ahead. To be a beacon of light in whatever situation arises. And for it to be all Him and not me.

He didn't ever promise this life would be easy. If anything, The Word tells that it won't be easy, especially when you stand up and proclaim Him as your Saviour.

But He did sacrifice His life for us. And He will stand by us through the storms, through the life decisions we make and even when we are alone, we are never really alone, because He's always there, ready to carry someone when they feel they can't take another step.

"If you'll hold on to me for dear life," says God, "I'll get you out of any trouble. I'll give you the best of care if you'll only get to know and trust me. Call me and I'll answer, be at your side in bad times; I'll rescue you, then throw you a party. I'll give you a long life, give you a long drink of salvation!"

~ Psalm 91.14-16