Monday, November 06, 2006

So What Has the Fall Brought?

Well, I thought I would actually try and write my own post tonight, instead of simply putting a quote or pasting something in from someone else via email. It's already November and time has just flown...this Fall has been one of huge change, lots of uncertainty and scares, illness and just the emotional and physical roller coaster which goes along with this all. At times, life has felt like a blur and it just feels like the life and energy have been drained out of me...what this leads to is a major writer's block and just a general sense of uncertainty.

So as November is still at the beginning, what things have happened or changed...

~ Well, my mom came very close to death a month ago...she's now stable and treatment is going better. More surgery is looking at being scheduled, which will then mean changes in treatment. Still looking at transplant options, but in order for that to happen, certain medical devices which currently aren't working well, need to continue working so special treatments can be completed. Despite it all, she's still in good spirits and continuing on with her fighting spirit as always.

~ Started out the year homeschooling all three kids, despite a feeling of uncertainty in my innermost being. Deep down, I knew it wasn't the best choice for our family this Fall, but I ignored the feelings and somewhat 'caved' to the outside pressures and opinions around me. Well, now two out of three kids are in school and they are loving is still at home, but would like to go back into the school system next year. The atmosphere of our house has changed and are slowly but surely beginning to run a little smoother all around.

~ It's been quite the fall full of illness for me, and it seemed that all the stresses surrounding everything going on only added to my non-ability to fight off diseases, gain energy, sleep, etc. Slowly but surely, things are improving on this front...I'm not 100%, but will eventually be back there...just taking things one step at a time.

~ I'd love to say that's it and that no more changes are to come, but now that these things have evened out, I'm now beginning to examine all the things I do see which things I should truly be in and what things I might need to step back from...for the very important purpose that I feel God working to change my focus in ministry and in order for those changes to occur, I need to open up and create space for this to happen.

I think the quote I posted last week below this post, it came because of everything going on. I truly believe that your true character is developed through the trials you go through and also through how you choose to handle them. Those trials strengthen who you are as a person and for me, the time I've had to take in order to process everything has allowed my vision to become clearer in some senses.

At more than one point the last couple of months, I've seen my life past before my eyes portraying family has caused me to sit down and really deal with the reality of my mom's disease. She's beat death twice in the past three months, but I have slowly come to the point of realizing and accepting that ultimately her disease is terminal. There are ways of treating and warding off the disease, but they won't work forever. There are options of transplanting, but they also don't work forever and aren't always successful. Without these methods, she will eventually die. Do I want that? No, I can't imagine my life without her and would do anything within my power and ability to stop it from happening. But do I have the right to say, you need to do this and go through all this stuff whether you want to or not...for the sake of your family? No, I don't have that one does...that's just plain selfishness! So I've worked through and told my mom that I support in whatever decision she chooses to ultimately make treatment-wise. If at any point she chooses to quit, I'll accept and support her decision.

Life's a real emotional roller coaster right now. You'd think I'd be complete dehydrated by now, due to the amount of tears which have been shed, but man, I'm made up of a lot of water apparently ;D ! My goal right now is to simply live life one day at a time and hope and pray that things will eventually even out and improve bit by bit.

I read this quote in a post a while back and put it in 'drafts', as I was going to write a post with it. I am simply going to end this post with it. Jollybeggar speaks a lot of wisdom through this quote...I've read it more than once throughout this Fall, as I worked so hard to make some really tough decisions...hopefully you will take something from it as well.

I think the problem is that we think that we have to figure it all out in order to pray for God to do the right thing. We should probably just ask for that, whether we can discern what the right thing is or not. He's God. He'll figure it out."


Anonymous said...

prayers to you and yours

Cinder said...

Christopher ~ Thanks so much for stopping by...I pray all is well with you and yours...blessings!

Becky said...

I found your link through the blog Dance with God.

What an open and honest post. It sounds difficult when every part of your being is being afflicted. I am reminded of what Job said, "What I feared has come upon me."

God is moving. Blessings to you


Anonymous said...

hi, cinder! praying for your mom...

i'm so glad to be back on track. oh, i missed you. (((HUGS)))

crazy mom said...

Thanks for sharing. When my family and I go through difficult times, I gain strength from knowing that through it all, God is making me stronger; and with Him, I can can handle anything that comes my way.

Psalm 28:7
The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song.

a funny side note, my word verification for the comments sounds kinetically like hallelujah

audrey` said...

Oh yeah!

Our Lord's grace is always sufficient for us.

Praying for you and yours.

Take care, sister =)

Cinder said...

Becky ~ Thanks so much for dropping by's nice to meet you! It has been difficult at times, especially when it feels like a continual battle. I have went to Job many times...God is moving and because of that, I take a lot of comfort...He's there and that's all I need to endure.

Blessings to you!

Pia ~ I'm SO glad to have you back sister...I have missed you a lot ((HUGS))! I hope all is well with you and that things have settled down...I look forward to seeing you back in the blogosphere ;D !

Crazy Mom ~ I know that the only thing which has really gotten me through this fall is knowing that He's walking along beside me and is giving me the strength I need to endure and walk forward through everything going on. I've felt lifted up through the prayers of my friends and this is so very humbling in itself and at the same time, very full of strength and love.

Thanks so much for the bible verse...I will indeed praise Him in all things, because He is definitely my strength and my shield.

That is very FUNNY about your word verification...I laugh sometimes at the words which show up through that. Blessings to you and yours ;D!

Audrey ~ He definitely is sufficient in every way we need...that's an awesome blessing!

Thank you so much for the take care as well sister ;D !