Sunday, December 31, 2006

Come and Drink

"Come!" say the Spirit and the Bride. Whoever hears, echo, "Come!" Is anyone thirsty? Come! All who will, come and drink, drink freely of the Water of Life!
~Revelation 22:17

Thursday, December 28, 2006

Childlike Faith

At that time the disciples came to Jesus. They asked him, "Who is the most important person in the kingdom of heaven?"

Jesus called a little child over to him. He had the child stand among them. Jesus said, "What I'm about to tell you is true. You need to change and become like little children. If you don't, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Anyone who becomes as free of pride as this child is the most important in the kingdom of heaven. "

Anyone who welcomes a little child like this in my name welcomes me.

"But what if someone leads one of these little ones who believe in me to sin? If he does, it would be better for him to have a large millstone hung around his neck and be drowned at the bottom of the sea.

~Matthew 18:1-6

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

A Prayer

Word for Thought

"One response was given by the innkeeper when Mary and Joseph wanted to find a room where the Child could be born. The innkeeper was not hostile; he was not opposed to them, but his inn was crowded; his hands were full; his mind was preoccupied. This is the answer that millions are giving today. Like a Bethlehem innkeeper, they cannot find room for Christ. All the accommodations in their hearts are already taken up by other crowding interests. Their response is not atheism. It is not defiance. It is preoccupation and the feeling of being able to get on reasonably well without Christianity."

~ Billy Graham

Sunday, December 24, 2006

Merry Christmas...

**This is one of my new Christmas songs of choice this year, so I thought it fitting to post on the eve of the celebration of Christ's birth. I pray you and your families will have a very Merry Christmas, which is full of His love and blessing...I pray that it will surround you throughout the upcoming New Year.**

Born in Bethlehem
(By Third Day, Christmas Offerings)

Baby Jesus, born in a stable, humble Savior's birth.
You left your throne in Heaven above, to live here on the Earth.

Baby Jesus, lying in a manger, crying for the world.
The Angels told the Shepherds of the Good News for us all.

Hallelujah, the King is here, given for all men.
For today the Holy Son of God, is born in Bethlehem.

Come now Sinners and you Saints, all peasants and all Kings.
And bow before the Earth's Redeemer, let all voices sing.

Hallelujah, the King is here, given for all men.
For today the Holy Son of God, is born in Bethlehem.

Hallelujah, the King is here, given for all men.
For today the Holy Son of God, is born in Bethlehem.

(Instrumental interlude)

Baby Jesus, do you know you'll die for all our sins?
Don't be afraid, for in 3 days, you will rise again. Cause you will rise again.

Hallelujah, the King is here, given for all men.
For today the Holy Son of God, is born in Bethlehem.

Hallelujah, the King is here, given for all men.
For today the Holy Son of God, is born in Bethlehem.

For today the Holy Son of God, is born in Bethlehem.

Born in Bethlehem.

Luke 2:1-20 (KJV)
And it came to pass in those days, that there went out a decree from Caesar Augustus that all the world should be taxed. (And this taxing was first made when Cyrenius was governor of Syria.) And all went to be taxed, every one into his own city. And Joseph also went up from Galilee, out of the city of Nazareth, into Judaea, unto the city of David, which is called Bethlehem; (because he was of the house and lineage of David:) To be taxed with Mary his espoused wife, being great with child. And so it was, that, while they were there, the days were accomplished that she should be delivered. And she brought forth her firstborn son, and wrapped him in swaddling clothes, and laid him in a manger; because there was no room for them in the inn. And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid. And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger. And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying, Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men. And it came to pass, as the angels were gone away from them into heaven, the shepherds said one to another, Let us now go even unto Bethlehem, and see this thing which is come to pass, which the Lord hath made known unto us. And they came with haste, and found Mary, and Joseph, and the babe lying in a manger. And when they had seen it, they made known abroad the saying which was told them concerning this child. And all they that heard it wondered at those things which were told them by the shepherds. But Mary kept all these things, and pondered them in her heart. And the shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things that they had heard and seen, as it was told unto them.

Thursday, December 21, 2006

My Christmas Wish

Grown-Up Christmas List
(David Foster & Linda Thompson Jenner)

Do you remember me
I sat upon your knee
I wrote to you with childhood fantasies

Well I'm all grown-up now
And still need help somehow
I'm not a child
But my heart still can dream

So here's my lifelong wish
My grown-up Christmas list
Not for myself
But for a world in need

No more lives torn apart
That wars would never start
And time would heal all hearts
Everyone would have a friend
And right would always win
And love would never end
This is my grown-up Christmas list

As children we believed
The grandest sight to see
Was something lovely
Wrapped beneath our tree

Well heaven surely knows
That packages and bows
Can never heal a hurting human soul


What is this illusion called
The innocence of youth
Maybe only in our blind belief
Can we ever find the truth


This song was played at my kids' school Christmas play yesterday. It truly is my Christmas wish. People asked what I wanted for Christmas this year and I said nothing...I gave a few ideas, because that answer didn't fly, but I truly don't want much in terms of material things. I've got everything I need...a loving Heavenly Father, a devoted and loving husbands, the blessings of our love and product through our three beautiful blessings. I've got health, a place to call home, food to eat, gifts to use in God's kingdom. I've got resources which I can use to help those around me which are in more need of them than I.

This song speaks my speaks what I wish this world could be. It gives me a vision to work towards, and gives inspiration to not give up, but instead continue on doing what I'm called to do.

My kids' school did a project called "Santa's Workshop". They had countless items donated to the school to be sold. The grade 8 students sorted them, priced them and prepared "Santa's Workshop". Then the upper grades took the younger grades through and students were able to purchase items for family members at very low cost ($0.50 - $1.00). Then the grade 8's wrapped the presents and the kids were excited to bring home their purchases, so that they could surprise and gift people.

The main purpose behind "Santa's Workshop" was much more than this. The students were thankful to be blessed with so much and realized that there are many families who aren't so fortunate. They wanted to give something in return to these show their friendship and love towards them. Through this project, they raised $1,017 which they are donating to a local Women's Shelter, to help make Christmas a little better for these women and their children.

As they play their video, which showed the preparation and all that went on in this project, this song played. It was so fitting and such a blessing to see God's love in action. It took my breath away and also brought home the point that my kids are exactly where they are supposed to be. They will be used for God's kingdom in their school and are going to grow in very strong ways.

I pray that your Christmas will be a very blessed one, and that you'll feel the strong presence of His love and Spirit with you throughout this very special season!

"For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace."
~ Isaiah 9:6

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

A Little White Dot

This is how I feel right now...a little piece of white in amongst so much 'stuff' that you begin to feel like you are suffocating. Satan is definitely not stupid...I under-estimate him way too often. He knows exactly where to hit me and knows to not let up, because there's only so much I can actually take. It's a cunning way of making you to feel like you suck at everything you touch...knowing that despite the fact you are wearing the Armour of Christ, that it might not be on correctly or attached firmly enough...knowing just where to hit to knock you off your feet, even if just enough to make you feel unsteady.

It brings me to a point of questioning all things...all decisions, actions & words, mindset, spirituality, commitments, condition of my heart. I found myself this morning, questioning whether I have the perseverance I need to get through. Telling God that I feel like I'm at the end of my rope...I don't think I can do all that's before me. I hear other mothers talk of all the milestones that their kids have hit...I don't often broach into this subject with people. You see, I have three amazing kids and I don't like to compare them to each other or to others. One of them though, hasn't reached a milestone, which seems like an easy one in most people's eyes. And because of that attitude, I live with this feeling that I've failed them, in getting them over that hump, that I've failed as a mother...because really, that is the job of a equip their kids to adequately be able to reach and obtain the milestones in this life.

I guess right now I'm just tired and out of answers in a lot of areas...that in itself makes me more tired than ever! This song has been in my head throughout the morning...I know God placed it there, 'cause He knows I'm feeling weary and questioning whether I truly have what it will take to continue going. He knows best...even when we can't see it!

Psalm 121 (I Lift My Eyes Up)
I lift my eyes up to the mountains,
where does my help come from?
My help comes from You, Maker of Heaven,
Creator of the earth.

O how I need You Lord, You are my only hope;
You're my only prayer.
So I will wait for You to come and rescue me,
Come and give me life
©1990 Mercy / Vineyard Publishing
Words and Music by Brian Doerksen

I've been thinking a lot about a friend's quote and know it speaks truth to all that's going on. I guess the key is to take comfort in knowing that He is with us through it all...He understands the questions, the doubts, the fears, etc. and only requires that we simply open our hearts to Him and allow Him to carry us when needed. To know where the battles come from and to allow Him to adequately equip and protect us, especially during those times when that's a struggle for us. That is true love and what we celebrate this season...that in itself is a lot to take comfort in.

"if satan can't touch God without burning up, he'll poke at God by hurting us." (jb)

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Powerful Lyricist

So there are many Christian artists which I didn't hear about due to my age. A lot of friends really admire Keith Green's lyrics and I continue to read through them, listen to the few songs of his that I do have. I like this speaks to how things felt when I accepted Christ personally. It seems fitting to have them here following the posts which have come before this one.

Your Love Broke Through
Keith Green
Like a foolish dreamer, trying to build a highway to the sky
All my hopes would come tumbling down, and I never knew just why
Until today, when you pulled away the clouds that hung like curtains on my eyes
Well I've been blind all these wasted years and I thought I was so wise
But then you took me by surprise

Like waking up from the longest dream, how real it seemed
Until your love broke through
I've been lost in a fantasy, that blinded me
Until your love broke through

All my life I've been searching for that crazy missing part
And with one touch, you just rolled away the stone that held my heart
And now I see that the answer was as easy, as just asking you in
And I am so sure I could never doubt your gentle touch again
It's like the power of the wind

Like waking up from the longest dream, how real it seemed
Until your love broke through
I've been lost in a fantasy, that blinded me
Until your love, until your love, broke through

Monday, December 18, 2006

Quote From Out of the Pondering of the A's

"You should be glad that I'm in your'll never find a husband, 'cause no one will be able to stand being around you...the sight of you would make them sick...they would have to put a paper bag over your head to be around you...face it - either me or alone."

Thank goodness this proved to be so far from the truth...God had bigger plans and an amazing man...yet it rings true in my head how damaging words can truly be. They dig deep...despite all the love, encouragement, positive words, adoration and security, that pain can sometimes be like a stealth, flying under the radar and staying deep inside those scars.

I never thought I would write these words down in black and white. There are times that you hope if you just turn the other way, that hopefully when you turn back, things might not have actually occurred the way you thought. I'm now at a point though, where God is telling me not to waste my experiences and pain, but to use it for His glory, in whatever way that might take on. Not easy, but essential in not being prisoner to the past, to also be able to put myself out there in whatever way God calls.

Lots of A's

Right now, I should be thinking about the exciting time of the year it is. Celebrating the upcoming birthday of a precious baby who came to this Earth for you and me. But I haven't been able to focus my full attention on it. Not because of the commercialism which a lot of times will creep in. Simply because I'm working through a bunch of stuff...maybe that's how He wants it for me this be working towards knowing myself better, getting back on track with Him, figuring out what's went wrong and what I can do to change. I guess maybe that would be the best present I could give Him this year...right now I just don't really know.

I've been thinking about a lot of stuff...the armour of God...Belt of Truth, Breastplate of Righteousness, Sandals of Peace, Shield of Faith, Helmet of Salvation and the Sword of the Spirit (GOD'S WORD) and how you go about retrieving the pieces you've lost along the road. Thinking about how you allow yourself to lose those things in the first place, and figuring out what you do differently, so as to not lose them again, once they're back in your possession.

Some other stuff I've been thinking about are a bunch of A's...armour, assault, abuse, alcoholism, anger, apathy to name a few. I don't feel like going into any details today...simply delving into the past and looking at experiences which might have involved me directly, indirectly or stuff I might have witnessed or been privy to as a result of friends. Thinking about the taking away of the innocence of a child at an early age and how that affects them the rest of their life, regardless of whether or not Christ is present or not. Pausing to consider whether things are wiped away instantly, or if it takes there ever really a set time, or is it simply all in His perfect timing and His perfect purpose?

Really thinking on the quote I heard and read in the module I'm taking..."God doesn't waste a hurt." Thinking on the quote of wise counsel a friend gave..."Don't forget to wear one of those mining lights on your head when you go spelunking. Helmet of salvation with an attached light for your path is a good piece of gear." Somehow, this friend says things which are exactly what need to be heard, without knowing all that's going on.

So, I guess the journey will's honestly a scary one for me...coming to the realization that I might have 'stuffed' some things down and not necessarily dealt with them. Now facing the fact that I chose to deal with a lot of things on my own...didn't let my family know whole truths about things. So you cross the path, where you face whether you need to allow those truths to be known, or is it simply better for all involved to let things be as they are.

Gotta love those times of frequent and unexplainable floods of tears. I like to think that it's God's way of allowing the pain to flow from you and into His waiting hand...'cause He is right there beside us through it all, and would rather have the tears in His hands, then have them taking up valuable space inside us. He has a better use for that space...the choice to allow Him to use it simply needs to happen.

Friday, December 15, 2006

One Year

I woke up this morning remembering all that’s happened throughout this past year…so that would be the reason for the pictures.

And the reason for the post…a year’s passed since I began this interesting plunge into the world of blogging. In this post, I didn’t have a clue what I was getting into. Didn’t know what to write or how long I’d blog…didn’t think anyone would actually visit my blog anyhow. I do remember choosing the ‘love letter’ to God, ‘cause it was safe and good for testing the waters, to see what this blogosphere was about…yet not too revealing too soon!

Well, a year later, I realize I’ve revealed a lot, as I work through stuff online. I've received a lot of good advice and found out what a great sounding board for ideas, etc. this is. I look back at things and realize how far God has truly brought me. It’s been an up and down battle at times, with some hard decisions & realities, life-changing events and just a huge amount of growth.

I’ve had two songs going through my head this morning…they’re gooders to wake up with in your head! So just as I began this blog with a ‘love letter’ to Him, I’m going to mark the one year point with what my heart’s singing to Him…these truly sing what I’m wanting with Him and also what I know He wants for Him and I.




© April 2000, Northview Music

(Martin Smith)


© MartinSmith, Curious? Music/EMI/CCLI #285903

Thursday, December 14, 2006

Favorite Pic...Favorite Verse

Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young. Set an example for the believers in what you say and in how you live. Also set an example in how you love and in what you believe. Show the believers how to be pure.

~ 1 Timothy 4:12

Wednesday, December 13, 2006


You Communicate With Your Ears

You love conversations, both as a listener and a talker. What people say is important to you, and you're often most affected by words, not actions. You love to hear complements from others. And when you're upset, you often talk to yourself. Music is very important to you. It's difficult to find you without your iPod.

How Do You Communicate?

I found this sitting in my posts from a month or two ago...found it quite interesting how it pegged me...including the part about talking to myself when I'm mad. But I basically just wanted to put up a 'fun' post, while I work towards getting back into the swing of writing.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

More Musical Insight

So here is another song which God has brought my way...see, I've been examining my past, to see if I have 'perceived' things how they actually see if I have completely forgiven those see if I've stuffed things away and really chose not to acknowledge them.

Yes, I know Christ's grace covers me and cleaned my slate, but I truly believe that in order to have complete freedom from everything, I need to re-examine, see things for how they were and are now and then completely cut them free, especially if I haven't already done that!

Who Am I
(Terri Fritsch, Marshall Hall, Sam Mizell)

I’ve tried to wrap my mind around the thought of you
I stretched myself so far I nearly come unglued
You hold the universe inside your hands
Still you thought of me
I can’t believe

Is there no limit to your love for me
As shallow as this selfish heart can be
You are the maker of reality
And I stand in awe
You are God

Who am I
To understand your ways
Who am I
To give you anything but praise
Who am I
To try and solve the mystery
Behind the heart and soul of all that I believe
Who am I

You’re every reason for my heart to hope
Creator of the things I’ve yet to know
You are the river for my thirsty soul
You are my desire
You are God


I am your child
I will follow, who am I?
You gave your life
For my tomorrow


©2004 Threebeing Music (Adm. by ION Music Administration) / BMG Songs, Inc. (Adm. by Brentwood-Benson Music Publishing, Inc.) / Hook, Line & Music Publishing (ASCAP)

Monday, December 11, 2006

Quotes for Today

"Only when we are no longer afraid do we begin to live in every experience, painful or joyous, to live in gratitude for every moment, to live abundantly."

~ Dorothy Thompson

"The greatest gift we can give to one another is rapt attention to one another's existence."

~ Sue Atchley Ebaugh

"What the heart gives away is never gone.....It is kept in the hearts of others."

~ Robin St. John

"I love these little people; and it is not a slight thing when they, who are so fresh from God, love us."

~ Charles Dickens

"Anyone who welcomes one of these little children in my name welcomes me. And anyone who welcomes me doesn't welcome only me but also the One who sent me."

~ Mark 9:37

Saturday, December 09, 2006

The 'Flu'

Hold Fast
(Mercy Me)

To everyone who's hurting
To those who've had enough
To all the undeserving
That should cover all of us
Please do not let go
I promise there is hope

Hold fast
Help is on the way
Hold fast
He's come to save the day
What I've learned in my life
One thing greater than my strife
Is His grasp
So hold fast

Will this season ever pass?
Can we stop this ride?
Will we see the sun at last?
Or could this be our lot in life?
Please do not let go
I promise you there's hope

You may think you're all alone
And there's no way that anyone could know
What you're going through
But if you only hear one thing
Just understand that we are all the same
Searching for the truth
The truth of what we're soon to face
Unless someone comes to take our place
Is there anyone?
All we want is to be free
Free from our captivity, Lord
Here He comes

So this is another song which passed my path during the past while of rest. I thought I would post it, as I'm tired and not feeling good, so don't have the creative juices to write.

People have been asking what I'm sick with, but honestly, I don't really have an answer. It's feels like the flu which never goes away. A flu which gets worse when I am running around doing all which needs done, which gets worse when I'm feeling under pressure or stress.

In June, I read an article which gave 20 signs of burn-out. I dismissed it, as I'm a stay-at-home mom...there's no way I could suffer from this. I found the symptoms quite interesting. I am again looking through the see where my burn-out number is at, 'cause see, when I did go through and mark off the ones I had in June, I was quite taken aback.

~Unusual mood swings that may include weeping without just cause, anger, or depression


~Paranoia and suspicion

~Weight change, including gain or loss

~Moments of panic and feeling totally overwhelmed

~Fantasizing about dying or running away to get away from the pressure

~Fight-or-flight cycles where you rise up to intimidate and conquer others or run away from difficulties just to avoid them

~Insomnia, including difficulty falling asleep or remaining asleep, which can lead to a reliance on sleeping pills

~Too frequent use of alcohol or tobacco

~High blood pressure

~Comforting yourself with unhealthy foods packed with fat, sugar, and simple carbohydrates

~General irritability

~Reckless driving

~Change in sexual desire of either noticeable increase or decrease

~Notable ongoing sexual temptation

~Health-related issues such as irritable bowel syndrome, headaches, heart trouble, chronic sickness, and stomach problems including ulcers

~A victim mentality that sees the world as against you and everyone as an enemy to varying degrees

~Shopping sprees and unnecessary financial spending

~Reliance on caffeine to self-medicate

~Children, friends, and loved ones begin to feel like yet another burden

So as I sit right now, I again think about the fact of whether I actually have the 'flu' or not. One good thing which has come out of the Fall...I am continuing to make changes and they are very slowly making a difference.

Thursday, December 07, 2006

You are My Everything...

Blue Skies
(Point of Grace)

On days of gray
When doubt clouds my view
It's so hard to see past my fears
My strength seems to fade
And it's all I can do
To hold on, 'til the light reappears
Still, I believe though some rain's bound to fall
That you're here next to me
And you're over it all

Lord, the sky's still blue
For my hope is in you
You're my joy
You're the dream that's still alive
Like the wind at my back
And the sun on my face
You are life
You're grace
You are blue skies
You're my blue skies

When nights are long
Seems the dark has no end
Still we walk on in light of the truth
For waiting beyond
Where the morning begins
Is the dawn, and you're mercy anew
Oh, to believe we're alive in you're love
There is so much to see
If we keep looking up

You fill the heavens with hope and a higher love
A picture, a promise for life

**Another song which has came my way this last while.**

Tuesday, December 05, 2006


As I woke up this morning, praying for a friend and their family, I was trying to wrap my mind around why things happen. This friend's family had been through so much the past few years and I humanly woke up hoping that the news I'd been given the night before, had just been a terrible dream...wishing that I could somehow take the place of the person gone, so as to spare this family anymore grief.

This quote came to my eyes as I quietly sat in prayer (that's truly a praise, as until last night, I wasn't praying verbally and now am...even though I wish it had begun under different circumstances, I will now be there lifting them up).

"Dum spiro, spero." ("While I breathe, I hope.")

I'm still processing these few words, and patiently allowing myself, to get exactly what I'm supposed to from them. The following words were typed by this friend and when I put the two together, they begin to make a lot of sense.

"God is good. God is just. God is Holy. He will do the right thing because he is God."

We need to treat each breathe as a precious gift from God. We don't how many we have and therefore need to embrace and cherish them. Because of God's eternal love, grace and sacrifice...because He's good, just and holy...we need to rest in and take great hope in that.

Through the heartfelt mercies of our God,
God's Sunrise will break in upon us,
Shining on those in the darkness,
those sitting in the shadow of death,
Then showing us the way, one foot at a time,
down the path of peace.
(Luke 1:78-79)

Monday, December 04, 2006

Battle of Wills

This is one of the songs which I've listened to quite a lot this past week. As I've continued the search inward to try and find balance, I've ensued on quite a battle of wills...His will vs. mine! I love this song, as it talks of how I usually am when I'm completely surrendered to Him.

My Will


I'm setting the stage for the things I love
And I'm now the man I once couldn't be
Nothing on earth could now ever move me
I now have the will and the strength a man needs

It's my will, and I'm not moving
Cause if it's Your will, then nothing can shake me
It's my will, to bow and praise You
I now have the will to praise my God

I've taken a lot of comfort in the chorus of this song. I am usually at the point where I won't move from the spot when I know it's His will. I think I've just been caught in the struggle of trying to understand why seasons of sadness and not particular filled with joy are allowed to enter, sometimes repeatedly. Then the fact that if it's His will, then I shouldn't be shaken, but it feels like I've been, despite the fact of desperately trying to let Him do the leading.

I've found the past few weeks that it is my will to bow and praise Him, even though it might be in a not so ordinary way. I've found myself during worship times at church simply being quiet before the Lord, listening to the praises being lifted by my family and lifting them silently. I think the unique difficulties with this season, have been searching and exploring through different avenues of worship and realizing that what seems not so ordinary is exactly where I'm supposed to be right now...for one reason or another.

Complexity haunts me for I am two men
Entrenched in a battle that I'll never win
My discipline fails me, my knowledge it fools me
But You are my shelter, all the strength that I need

This verse truly speaks where I've been the last little while. It's really been a battle and I think the hardest part of the battle, has been the fact I can't seem to verbalize to anyone, with any clarity, as to what the battle is. So I instead end up feeling up against the wall, very much alone and wanting to turtle more than ever and then feeling worse afterwards, as a result of my actions. I think it becomes a scary thing, especially when you're at a spot of feeling paralyzed spiritually...not knowing how you got there and not knowing how to get out.

I know that nothing in my human nature will help me to win this battle being ensued. And despite the paralysis I feel, I do know that He's the one sheltering me from a full out battle and that He's giving me the strength to get through. I guess comes the point of simply knowing that's enough and stopping the questioning and struggle to overcome it on my own...instead to simply let things play out how they are supposed to play out...and in the time frame that they are supposed to occur.

It's my will, and I'm not moving
Cause if it's Your will, then nothing can shake me
It's my will, to bow and praise You
I now have the will to praise my God

I'm learning to give up the rights to myself
The bits and the pieces I've gathered as wealth
Could never compare to the joy that You bring me
The peace that You show me is the strength that I need

There are days where I wish I was simply at a place where I didn't have to learn things the hard way. That I would just give things over right at the beginning, instead of ensuing on unnecessary detours and scenic routes. But in the next breath, I realize that some of my greatest pieces of 'wealth' which I now carry with me, have come from those detours and scenic routes of life. The tricky part is to simply see them for what they are and to not let them take over life as it should be known in Him.

It's my will, and I'm not moving
Cause if it's Your will, then nothing can shake me
It's my will, to bow and praise You
I now have the will to praise my God

We've got to be children of peace
Don't you know we've got to be children of peace

I'm trying hard right now to have my life and family be more peaceful. We've done a lot of searching 'balance-wise' these past weeks and He's leading us to a place which will provide more peace. During those quiet times I've been able to have with Him, even though I might not have spoke verbally, we discussed a lot. His very precious and essential...peaceful, protective, never-ending, unconditional...breathtaking, amazing and irreplaceable.

Crazy Mom posted this verse on Friday and it spoke volumes to me...I'm gonna end with it, as it spoke a lot to me, despite whether I actually wanted to hear it or not...

"No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it." ~ Hebrews 12:11

Friday, December 01, 2006

Choices and Calls

So my previous post said I was taking a...

Sabbatical -
bringing a period of rest. ; any extended period of leave from one's customary work, esp. for rest, to acquire new skills or training, etc.

I am trying to do this in amongst regular life, as if I were to just pick up and leave for an extended period of time, I don't think Mr. Cinder would be too happy with me ;D...I'd have a blast I'm sure, with no apparent life responsibilities, but that wouldn't really solve much.

So, these past few days have been ones of rest, from as much as I possibly could...allowing me not to have to leave my house hardly at all, and simply take time whenever I could, to just quiet do whatever I was led to do. To be quiet before the Lord, even if right now I'm paralyzed to speak verbally with Him, for one reason or another. To listen to music of all avenues and truly drink in what my mind was perceiving and hearing. To sleep and try to get some strength back. What's coming out of this is the realization that He reads our thoughts, even when we can't verbalize them...He still prods you to pray for your family, friends and prayer requests, even though it might be in your thoughts vs. out loud verbally.

Does that realization take away the tiredness and dark view? Not really, but it does bring a huge amount of comfort and peace, in knowing He's still there, despite my view and the current condition of my heart and mind. He doesn't love me any less than when I'm completely 'fired up' and overflowing with passion, and doesn't expect me to be anything more than where I'm at.

So in amongst this time of rest, I've been attempting to do an assignment, for a 'module' I'm taking on serving. We were supposed to explore the different avenues of experiences from our past...educational, spiritual, ministry-wise and the painful & hurtful. The quote which stuck out with this assignment was, "God doesn't waste a hurt." You know, it's very true...there's nothing in our life that can't be used for Him. Even though I type it, I really find it hard to believe sometimes. This assignment's been hard for me on a multitude of levels, 'cause the people around me have a knowledge of what's currently going on with me and what has went on in the past year and bit. But honestly, the only person who truly knows all there is to know about me, is Mr. Cinder.

Because there were judgments by people in the past, it became very easy to never have the conversations which led to my past life experiences. It became very easy to give them a false sense of 'knowing' everything there was to know about me. I'm now having to truly face my past head-on...evaluate whether or not I truly have 'gotten' over and given up past experiences and hurts, explore who I am as a result of these things, and if things haven't been completely given over, then figure out how to do this once and for all.

This is one of the songs I listened to today. When I was a teenager, I listened to this felt like parts of it were reading my mind and bringing my actual experiences to life. Once I was able to break-free from the cycle I had gotten dragged into, and was on a new path, I wasn't able to listen to this song anymore, as it brought back really bad memories and experiences. Even until this week, I couldn't listen to this song...I would turn it off. So as I've went through thinking in terms of this assignment, I came to a decision today that I needed to play this song and not turn it off. Because if I'm truly over and have given up the past hurts, then I should be able to listen to these words and celebrate in the freedom which God has given me by taking it away.

I Hate Myself For Loving You
(Joan Jett/Desmond Child)

I think of you ev'ry night and day
You took my heart then you took my pride away

I hate myself for loving you
Can't break free from the the things that you do
I wanna walk but I run back to you that's why
I hate myself for loving you

©2001 Blackheart Records.

So I did listen to it and I sang it with my own set of lyrics, 'cause you know I don't think of the past every night and day...I've got my heart and my pride back. Would I have preferred to not experience the hurt...yeah, but I'm not gonna hate myself, but instead find purpose in it. I did break free, I walked and might have went back, but eventually walked for good.

And now, I'm in the arms of an amazing man, who walked alongside me through hell and stayed. He never expected more than I could bring and gently encouraged me to become all he knew I could be. He was handpicked by a loving Heavenly Father, who knew exactly what it would take to help me not waste a hurt!

Do I tend to have a long way to go somedays? Yeah, but we'll always be growing and evolving...that's a good thing. Somedays it might seem like a few steps forward and a lot of steps back, but it will eventually bring us forward on the journey. So continues my sabbatical to sleep a little and try to drink in some's definitely more than I could have ever expected...a very awesome thing!