Battle of Wills

This is one of the songs which I've listened to quite a lot this past week. As I've continued the search inward to try and find balance, I've ensued on quite a battle of wills...His will vs. mine! I love this song, as it talks of how I usually am when I'm completely surrendered to Him.

My Will
(DcTalk)

I'm setting the stage for the things I love
And I'm now the man I once couldn't be
Nothing on earth could now ever move me
I now have the will and the strength a man needs

It's my will, and I'm not moving
Cause if it's Your will, then nothing can shake me
It's my will, to bow and praise You
I now have the will to praise my God

I've taken a lot of comfort in the chorus of this song. I am usually at the point where I won't move from the spot when I know it's His will. I think I've just been caught in the struggle of trying to understand why seasons of sadness and not particular filled with joy are allowed to enter, sometimes repeatedly. Then the fact that if it's His will, then I shouldn't be shaken, but it feels like I've been, despite the fact of desperately trying to let Him do the leading.

I've found the past few weeks that it is my will to bow and praise Him, even though it might be in a not so ordinary way. I've found myself during worship times at church simply being quiet before the Lord, listening to the praises being lifted by my family and lifting them silently. I think the unique difficulties with this season, have been searching and exploring through different avenues of worship and realizing that what seems not so ordinary is exactly where I'm supposed to be right now...for one reason or another.

Complexity haunts me for I am two men
Entrenched in a battle that I'll never win
My discipline fails me, my knowledge it fools me
But You are my shelter, all the strength that I need

This verse truly speaks where I've been the last little while. It's really been a battle and I think the hardest part of the battle, has been the fact I can't seem to verbalize to anyone, with any clarity, as to what the battle is. So I instead end up feeling up against the wall, very much alone and wanting to turtle more than ever and then feeling worse afterwards, as a result of my actions. I think it becomes a scary thing, especially when you're at a spot of feeling paralyzed spiritually...not knowing how you got there and not knowing how to get out.

I know that nothing in my human nature will help me to win this battle being ensued. And despite the paralysis I feel, I do know that He's the one sheltering me from a full out battle and that He's giving me the strength to get through. I guess comes the point of simply knowing that's enough and stopping the questioning and struggle to overcome it on my own...instead to simply let things play out how they are supposed to play out...and in the time frame that they are supposed to occur.

It's my will, and I'm not moving
Cause if it's Your will, then nothing can shake me
It's my will, to bow and praise You
I now have the will to praise my God

I'm learning to give up the rights to myself
The bits and the pieces I've gathered as wealth
Could never compare to the joy that You bring me
The peace that You show me is the strength that I need

There are days where I wish I was simply at a place where I didn't have to learn things the hard way. That I would just give things over right at the beginning, instead of ensuing on unnecessary detours and scenic routes. But in the next breath, I realize that some of my greatest pieces of 'wealth' which I now carry with me, have come from those detours and scenic routes of life. The tricky part is to simply see them for what they are and to not let them take over life as it should be known in Him.

It's my will, and I'm not moving
Cause if it's Your will, then nothing can shake me
It's my will, to bow and praise You
I now have the will to praise my God

We've got to be children of peace
Don't you know we've got to be children of peace

I'm trying hard right now to have my life and family be more peaceful. We've done a lot of searching 'balance-wise' these past weeks and He's leading us to a place which will provide more peace. During those quiet times I've been able to have with Him, even though I might not have spoke verbally, we discussed a lot. His love...so very precious and essential...peaceful, protective, never-ending, unconditional...breathtaking, amazing and irreplaceable.

Crazy Mom posted this verse on Friday and it spoke volumes to me...I'm gonna end with it, as it spoke a lot to me, despite whether I actually wanted to hear it or not...

"No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it." ~ Hebrews 12:11