Wednesday, December 20, 2006

A Little White Dot

This is how I feel right now...a little piece of white in amongst so much 'stuff' that you begin to feel like you are suffocating. Satan is definitely not stupid...I under-estimate him way too often. He knows exactly where to hit me and knows to not let up, because there's only so much I can actually take. It's a cunning way of making you to feel like you suck at everything you touch...knowing that despite the fact you are wearing the Armour of Christ, that it might not be on correctly or attached firmly enough...knowing just where to hit to knock you off your feet, even if just enough to make you feel unsteady.

It brings me to a point of questioning all things...all decisions, actions & words, mindset, spirituality, commitments, condition of my heart. I found myself this morning, questioning whether I have the perseverance I need to get through. Telling God that I feel like I'm at the end of my rope...I don't think I can do all that's before me. I hear other mothers talk of all the milestones that their kids have hit...I don't often broach into this subject with people. You see, I have three amazing kids and I don't like to compare them to each other or to others. One of them though, hasn't reached a milestone, which seems like an easy one in most people's eyes. And because of that attitude, I live with this feeling that I've failed them, in getting them over that hump, that I've failed as a mother...because really, that is the job of a equip their kids to adequately be able to reach and obtain the milestones in this life.

I guess right now I'm just tired and out of answers in a lot of areas...that in itself makes me more tired than ever! This song has been in my head throughout the morning...I know God placed it there, 'cause He knows I'm feeling weary and questioning whether I truly have what it will take to continue going. He knows best...even when we can't see it!

Psalm 121 (I Lift My Eyes Up)
I lift my eyes up to the mountains,
where does my help come from?
My help comes from You, Maker of Heaven,
Creator of the earth.

O how I need You Lord, You are my only hope;
You're my only prayer.
So I will wait for You to come and rescue me,
Come and give me life
©1990 Mercy / Vineyard Publishing
Words and Music by Brian Doerksen

I've been thinking a lot about a friend's quote and know it speaks truth to all that's going on. I guess the key is to take comfort in knowing that He is with us through it all...He understands the questions, the doubts, the fears, etc. and only requires that we simply open our hearts to Him and allow Him to carry us when needed. To know where the battles come from and to allow Him to adequately equip and protect us, especially during those times when that's a struggle for us. That is true love and what we celebrate this season...that in itself is a lot to take comfort in.

"if satan can't touch God without burning up, he'll poke at God by hurting us." (jb)


Corry said...

Self-examination is not a bad thing in itself. It helps us to see if we are (still) on the right path or have been led astray, which is way too easy to do. God knows all about it, as you already stated, and He will give what's needed when it's needed.

I am sorry you are so tired. There is a reason for everything. Maybe God is saying to you: "Let go, let Me!" :-)

Matthew 11:28
Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

(((Hugs))) dear sister. Know you are in my thoughts and prayers.

God's Grace.

Cinder said...

Corry ~ I'm trying real hard to, "Let go and let Him!" It will come and so will the rest. And really, I'm so blessed...I need to simply rest in Him.

It's a huge comfort knowing that I have people praying...thank you so are such a blessing to me!

(((HUGS))) to you also dear sister...blessings to you and yours throughout this season!

audrey` said...

Praying for you, Cinder.

Jesus understands and cares.
Hold onto His Hand.
He loves you =)