You see, right now that's where I am on many different levels. My family is continuing to battle illness...you know we've gotten really used to having me sick, but lately I've been sicker than usual and right now it seems we're guaranteed to have at least one, if not more of us sick all at once. This has went on for a month now...it's getting really exhausting. There are days where I am angry and frustrated, yet trying hard to find what I'm supposed to find in this.
I know some would say, you don't need to find something in everything. But my thought is that when something lasts as long as it's lasted, there's something to be found, taken and learned from. Whether that be to slow down and rest or to simply start surrendering and quit relying so much on your own power...I don't know, but I'm feebly attempting to do what I can...whether it's enough or not is yet to be seen.
I guess the other thing is that I've been feeling a pull ministry-wise for so long, yet I've balked it for a variety of reasons. If I'm being completely honest, I'd have to say that my pride and some fear have played a part and also what those around me have been thinking about it. Yet as much as I want to jump into something, I then think about whether or not, while I'm sick, am I clearly discerning anything...especially the voice of God. Right now I think I'd have to say no. And for that reason I will continue to wait and attend to the most important ministry I have...my family.
They are my most important ministry. I think sometimes in the hustle and bustle of life or in the despairing times, I tend to forget that sometimes. So this weekend, as our plans have been placed on hold yet again, due to illness and all that, I will attend to my family in the best way I can. I may not be who I normally am or do all I normally do, but I'll simply be there for them how I can and I know that'll be enough, because they simply want me and I simply want them.
You know, I'm up right now because I can't sleep, but yet I'm so tired! So that's why I was typing, but now I think it's time to stop and go to Him and cry out yet again. And this week, it's literally been 'crying out', but I don't think that's a bad thing either, 'cause at times it feels like the frustration, pain and anger are pouring out...at least they're pouring out and allowing me to heal spiritually, if nothing else.
"There is a time for everything. There's a time for everything that is done on earth. There is a time to be born. And there's a time to die. There is a time to plant. And there's a time to pull up what is planted. There is a time to kill. And there's a time to heal. There is a time to tear down. And there's a time to build up. There is a time to cry. And there's a time to laugh. There is a time to be sad. And there's a time to dance. There is a time to scatter stones. And there's a time to gather them. There is a time to hug. And there's a time not to hug. There is a time to search. And there's a time to stop searching. There is a time to keep. And there's a time to throw away. There is a time to tear. And there's a time to mend. There is a time to be silent. And there's a time to speak. There is a time to love. And there's a time to hate. There is a time for war. And there's a time for peace."