Monday, March 05, 2007

Masks and Bungee Jumping

"And now, here's what I'm going to do: I'm going to start all over again. I'm taking her back out into the wilderness where we had our first date, and I'll court her. I'll give her bouquets of roses. I'll turn Heartbreak Valley into Acres of Hope. She'll respond like she did as a young girl, those days when she was fresh out of Egypt.

"At that time"—this is God's Message still— "you'll address me, 'Dear husband!' Never again will you address me, 'My slave-master!' I'll wash your mouth out with soap, get rid of all the dirty false-god names, not so much as a whisper of those names again. At the same time I'll make a peace treaty between you and wild animals and birds and reptiles, And get rid of all weapons of war. Think of it! Safe from beasts and bullies! And then I'll marry you for good—forever! I'll marry you true and proper, in love and tenderness. Yes, I'll marry you and neither leave you nor let you go. You'll know me, God, for who I really am.

"On the very same day, I'll answer"—this is God's Message— "I'll answer the sky, sky will answer earth, Earth will answer grain and wine and olive oil, and they'll all answer Jezreel. I'll plant her in the good earth. I'll have mercy on No-Mercy.I'll say to Nobody, 'You're my dear Somebody,' and he'll say 'You're my God!'"

Then God ordered me, "Start all over: Love your wife again, your wife who's in bed with her latest boyfriend, your cheating wife. Love her the way I, God, love the Israelite people, even as they flirt and party with every god that takes their fancy."

I did it. I paid good money to get her back. It cost me the price of a slave. Then I told her, "From now on you're living with me. No more whoring, no more sleeping around. You're living with me and I'm living with you."

The people of Israel are going to live a long time stripped of security and protection,without religion and comfort, godless and prayerless. But in time they'll come back, these Israelites, come back looking for their God and their David-King. They'll come back chastened to reverence before God and his good gifts, ready for the End of the story of his love.

(Hosea 2:14-23; 3:1-5)

Okay, so I'm blogging twice in one one morning. Big Mister and Little Miss have a day off of school, so Little Mister and I are taking one as least the morning...we're all going to do some work this afternoon!

But anyhow, I read this scripture passage on Friday. It brought me to many places...a place where I just wept, truly let everything drain out of me through my tears. It brought me to a place of realizing how hard I am on myself so many days. I realized a little bit, the danger I play by being so hard on myself. I think this often causes me to not truly realize the extent of potential God does have in my life.

I sat on Friday and was truly honest with myself...about fears, disappointments, short-comings, pain, frustrations. I came to a place of realizing that I can't live my life with walls up and expect that I'll get anything substantial out of it...relationships, friendships, my walk with Christ, my potential in all my roles...they will never reach their full potential and people will never truly see ME, until I break the walls down.

Even as I sit and type, I'm crying, because at some point in my life I bought into Satan's lie that I needed to live a perfect life and that I couldn't just simply be me. You know, I might not be perfect, but I'm beautiful in His eyes, from the inside out.

My friend's sermon yesterday was all about masks and taking them OFF! Beginning to live real and not try to hide behind the masks of life appearing to be perfect, fear, anger, etc. I've been living with multiple masks on, partly because I felt I was doing everyone a favor if I spared them what was truly going on. I didn't want to heap anyone's plate with my problems and have them be over-burdened...but I didn't allow them to make that decision...I made it for them! In the process of making that decision, I essentially put a huge wall between a lot of people and me, by not allowing them all the way in.

I'm working towards the demolition on those walls. Do I think it will come today or overnight? Was Rome built in a day? No...just like it takes time for walls to be erected, it will take time to demolish them. It will take restraint, strength and courage to not fall back into 'old' ways and build those walls back up again. It will take that same restraint, strength and courage to truly be honest and allow my true identity to be seen.

But despite the hardships, I know that I am going to experience a freedom like I've never experienced before. I'm experiencing a small bit of it today, even as I reflect and begin to change course. Does it mean that things will always be peachy? That problems, pain, grief, anger, etc. will never arise? No, but what it does mean, is that I will hopefully begin to handle them very differently! I will allow people into my world. truly into it, to see what's going on and will realize that it's perfectly okay to be there. I will slowly learn to be content with where I am, and not where I think I should be. I will slowly learn to be content with who I am, and not whom I think I should be.

Do I walk a very winding path of life sometimes? A friend once likened it to 'bungee-jumping'. Yeah I do tend to walk that sort of life, but the hugest blessing is the fact of the people who are there to support and guide me when my cord breaks. They love me for me, even when I can't love myself. They see me for who I truly am, especially when I can't see it myself. They often know me much better than I know myself. But for me, that's the truest blessings of this life!


Jada's Gigi said...

I love Hosea! Such a picture of the Lord and His Woman the he calls things that are not as though they he turns all Her mourning into dancing...He loves...he just does..that's Who He is..
so glad you are laying aside your masks...freedom is only a heartbeat away...thanks for stopping by my blog...I see In the Quiet is a mutual friend..:)

audrey` said...

Bungee Jumping...
It's so thrilling but it's not for me at this age.

Jay, I was side-tracked.
Just being mischievious.

Try to be cheerful.


Corry said...

Those who love you, will not judge you for who you are. They will love you even more and try to help you to be all you can be! :-)

(((HUGS))) and love.

God's Grace.

Cinder said...

Hi Jada! Thx so much for stopping by...yes In the Quiet is a mutual friend ;D!

I hadn't honestly been introduced to a lot of Hosea, but now that I have, I truly do love it and take a lot of comfort and peace from it.

Hey there Audrey! You know, I haven't actually done it in real life...I know it looks thrilling, but I guess you could say I'm probably a chicken...he,he!

I'm trying hard to be cheerful...somedays are definitely better than others.

Blessings and (((HUGS))) to you!

Hi Corry! Exactly, the people who stand by me and love me won't judge me. I've always felt that with my family and with a few close friends. I've found that out so much this past year and a half though. A whole new set of people who are loving me and walking alongside helping me to be all I can be. It's an awesome feeling to experience that!

Blessings, (((HUGS))) and love to you!