Sometimes the biggest challenge in my Christian walk is to totally surrender everything...even when I do, I always seem to end up taking something and putting it back on my plate...I don't really know why I do it. I've had the great pleasure of being able to go to prayer every Wednesday...no matter what frame of mind I go in, I always walk away being blessed by God and my friends who enter that room each week. Last night a friend prayed that we would focus ourselves on God this year, not on people, places, situations, etc.
I took that line home with me...thought through it as I shopped for our never-ending grocery list (the staples which we inhale on a weekly basis...my husband and I joke about the fact we need a cow and a flour mill to keep up!) It mulled through my self-concious last night as I slept and was still with me this morning. As a result of our move, I seemed to focus myself anywhere but with God...I stayed rooted on the people and place I left, on the fear of starting over and having to meet new people, get involved in new and sometimes different ministries, having to find new friends, mentors and accountability people...at times I made sure I was as far away from God as I could possibly be. Last night I thought about it...that's not who I am, who I've ever attempted to be...I think I thought I would lose all my friendships if I didn't "stay in the past", but I honestly don't know what I thought. We moved to an amazing church...it fits us in ways we've been looking for a long time...it's bigger than our old one and coming in I assumed they wouldn't have places for us to fit in...I love to serve God alongside others through ministry and there was an intense fear of not being needed to do that...an intense fear of failure or not measuring up...but there have been places, some familiar ministries and some new undertakings...no imaginary success bars which have to be obtained, continual praise for anything you're able to offer to God and an intense welcome into the circle to serve Christ together.
I determined last night that my goal for this year is to fix my eyes completely on God. I want to live like Mark 12:30...I want to love him with everything I have to give, with every aspect of my life...when I'm closest to him is when I have my greatest inspirations, love of life, peace and "god" ventures. I no longer want to be prisoner to my saddness and depression about my move, but instead want to be built up and encouraged by the new friends he's given me, the new opportunities and ways of life he's brought me and the clearer feeling of his presence each day. I need to quit focusing my energy on the past, people and places and start focusing it on him...we have a picture, actually a hard-mounted poster, about riding tandem on a bike with Jesus and at the end it talks about giving total control to God and letting him have the handlebars. Total surrender...as scary as it seems sometimes for me, that's what I'm going to do this year, because I know I'm at my best in life when I'm able to totally surrender him all aspects of my life...what an adventure we'll have during 2006--I can't wait!