Monday, November 20, 2006

Negative Defaults

I find it really quite puzzling somedays how I can let myself become completely run by something I know isn't right. All those things which you know have no place in your life and need to be placed at the cross...pride, fear, anger, sadness, hopelessness. I know when these are fueling my fire, that I'm not being all that God wants me to be. But I seem paralyzed to get out of not just attempt to break the 'cycle', but to continue to keep it broken.

Yesterday, I waited until the very last moment to go to church. That's my sanctuary of peace, love and acceptance and I didn't want to be there anymore than I had to yesterday morning. Maybe it was because I was scared of how I knew God was going to prompt me with the music, the message and just the moving of His Holy Spirit. I was overwhelmed emotionally throughout that service...times just standing and listening to the words my family sang, letting them permeate me and sink in completely. I felt a huge need to be silent and not making noise.

The message ended talking about the 'negative defaults' which we so often 'buy' into and accept. Our pastor talked about how they cloud our perspective and view of the outside world and also how that changes the view of how people perceive us...kind of how the algae in a fish tank do the same, not only to the fish swimming in that tank, but to the people looking into the tank.

We were encourage to think of some of the 'negative defaults', to write them on a piece of paper and then take them and nail them to the cross at the front of the church. I had to step out of service before that occurred, as I had previously committed to helping out with another ministry at the end of the service. So I didn't get my 'defaults' nailed to the cross, but I left church yesterday with the service deeply speaking to me for the remainder of the day.

So what are some of those 'negative defaults' which so often come into our minds. Here's a few that were mentioned:

~ All Christians are....

~ All teenagers are....

~ All children's programs are coloring or .....

~ All sickness leads to death

~ People who drink and/or smoke, swear are....

~ Christians who drink and/or smoke, swear are....

So I spent the afternoon with the words of songs mulling through my head, the words of my pastor's message swimming there as well and was challenged to recognize what those 'negative defaults' are, to recognize where they truly come from and to give them to God and realize that I'm not weak if I have to give things over to God repeatedly, depending on what circumstances are occurring in my life.

So what are some of my defaults:

~ All sickness leads to death

~ If I have to give things to God more than once, then I am weak

~ I'm not what's needed or good enough for the roles in my life

~ Allowing people to see all the aspects of you will scare them off

There's more I'm sure, but I know that right now these are the ones fueling my fire and it's causing 'negative' stuff in a lot of avenues. Trying to turn those negatives into positives isn't all that hard, but losing the pride and beginning to 'buy' into the positive vs. the negative, that's a whole other story. Because for me, it truly is a battle of 'pride' and giving all 'control' to Him.

I've found out first hand this summer and fall, that you don't truly know how 'crisis' will hit you until you are in the midst of it...breathing and living it daily. I guess in all things it's a learning process and also 'trial and error'. I know He loves us exactly where we are and not where we should be. That's a huge comfort when you are battling hard and a foundation of strength. His grace is precious and is the underlying push for me...might not always show outwardly, but it's there. So much to learn and so little time to learn it, but to continue on in that journey is the definite direction to head.


audrey` said...

Hi Cinder

We're still human.
Jesus understands =)

Please take care, dear sis.

Jayleigh said...

I have those same defaults. I work to overcome them, but there's only One who can help me. :-) And I thank God for standing by me even when I am not obedient or faithful.