Monday, February 26, 2007

Requests and Confessions

In my mind, I always seem to have rather odd prayer requests. They're never really typical and don't always make sense to anyone, including me. But yet there they are, genuinely needing lifted up like any other request might.

The other day I made one such request to a friend who is praying alongside our family. The request went something like this...

"You know, you always know there are lots of people reading on the blogosphere, but despite that I use my blog as a trash can sometimes...especially lately, as I've tried to work through everything... my odd request is that I will not use any blog as a sewage waste dump, no matter how frustrating things seem. That I will either bottle it for a while or I don't know, but that when I'm blogging, I will only write positive and uplifting posts."

The interesting part about making this request, was that I received a response from my friend, which really made me think about what I had asked for. The bottom-line which came out of everything was this response from my heart...

"But really, right now I know very little...the one thing I know is that I need to write what comes into mind. I need to write for me and for Him and not worry about what those around me think or say or take away from it. 'Cause the reality is that's what writing is for me and I have no business changing that."

I have a confession to make as I write this post. I don't like life very much right now. I can't express enough how much love I have for the Lord and for the people I'm so very blessed to have in my life. But despite all that, I don't really like how I have been during these past months of trial. I don't like how I feel inside...I don't like just simply surviving this life. Life feels so overwhelming right now...it becomes hard sometimes to see the worth in fighting through each day.

And you know, the worst thing I could probably do, would be to quit writing, and especially to bottle everything which is going on. Because then, not only would I be feeling the way I'm feeling, I wouldn't be allowing it out of my system at all, which would only make matters worse. I know I've already made an agreement with despair...it's cemented pretty good...but bottling things would take that agreement to another level. I haven't quite figured out how I will break the agreement I inadvertently made...but I know over time, God will help me figure that out and break it.

I have a bookmark sitting in one of many books I'm trying to read through right now. I'm ending this post with the scripture that bookmark holds..."The LORD will guide you always: He will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail." (Isaiah 58:11)

5 comments:

bjk said...

Everybody hurts....right.....that's why we blog someplace to be honest and share our journey's......

Cinder said...

You are very right bjk...thanks so much for that comment.

I can't possibly make all people to understand, but blogging has allowed this for me. I've learned, not only to be honest and share my journey on my blog, but most importantly, it's becoming easier for me to do that in the day-to-day real life living.

I'm very glad you share your journey and I'm also glad for the times you drop in here!

Corry said...

Sis, let it out! No matter how you think it's perceived, or sounds, or really is, you need to say it. Bottling it up will come out the back-door at one point and, as you already stated, make things worse. We are not here to judge you, it's not our place. We are here to help and encourage each other. We can't if you don't let us know where you are at.

So... go ahead, we are here for you, dear sis. :-)

God's Grace.

Jayleigh said...

Well watered garden. I like that part.

Cinder, my friend, it sounds as though you've already realized everything I was going to write, about not bottling it up and such.

Everyone goes through times of trial, but when it's your time, it feels like nobody can understand or know your pain. The enemy loves to get us off on our own, feeling badly and in despair, like nobody else has ever felt this way before.

I know this feeling all too well and I'm praising God that I don't feel that way today, and haven't in a while. But for a long time, it was my whole life.

The way out? Keep doing what you're doing.

Galatians 6:9 says: Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. (TNIV)

I think most people are "waiting for the harvest." Me? Waiting to finally be blessed with a child (after 14 years). Others are waiting for financial burdens to be eased, or jobs to change, or husbands to stop drinking. Still others seem really great "on the surface" but a spiritual battle wages within.

Do not become weary, dear friend. Vent your anger, frustration and sadness and you will be able to keep going until that Harvest comes.

**hugs**

Cinder said...

Thanks Corry! I know deep down that I need to say things, no matter what they sound like or I think they should be. I'm very thankful for the encouragement and it's very true that it can't be offered if it's not known where we are at.

Blessings and (((HUGS))) to you dear sis ;D!


Hi Jayleigh...I liked the well watered garden part too.

The enemy sure does love to play mind games doesn't he? Making sure to try and convince us to bottle things and not share what's going on. To make us feel like we are completely alone. Deep down I always know that, but then I sometimes lose sight of it...my human fallenness.

Thanks so much for the verse from Galations...I needed that one! I'm trying hard to stay strong and not grow weary. I know deep down that He'll give me everything I need to withstand and keep going. That's the truly amazing thing about His love...huge blessing and gift!

(((HUGS))) and blessings to you!