Friday, January 16, 2009

State of Refusal

Have you ever known you were supposed to step out in faith and do something? A time when He's deeply speaking, it makes complete sense and feels right? But yet you made the choice to refuse based on residue from a past attempt to step out?

Who knows, maybe I'm just crazy, but that's very much where I am. God's telling me to go and I want to badly, but there have been questions posed about things in the past and questioning of why I really think I'm supposed to go, that I don't know if I'm can put myself out there just o be stomped down yet again.

Why the picture? That's where He's telling me I'm supposed to go...since the day we returned from there a couple of years ago He's been speaking that I needed to prepare to go back. Last year I even filled out a ton of paperwork in preparation to apply to go and ended up ripping it up and throwing it away, because some questions I fielded caused me to question and buy into the fact I'm never going back, that I'm not able to be a good enough team whom can work through all people in whatever circumstances present themselves, that I'm a mom and too old to be on a team and therefore do not fit the mold of what a team member should be.

So now I sit, and right now, in a state of refusal. It's basically a protection of the heart...trying to avoid any more hurt than that which has already come. There aren't many words to say what that feels like...basically...crushed and heart broken...and wondering why God allowed my heart to meet, fellowship and begin to love people and a place so deeply, when He knew that would cause me to want to go back and minister in whatever was required of me, yet only to make it seem impossible to ever go back, even though He's saying to.

So now I sit at a drop the refusal and step out, despite what others might think, to step out but go somewhere completely different and see what comes from it or to risk not going anywhere at all.

1 comment:

audrey` said...

Yeah! Our dear Jay is blogging again =)

Our Lord asks us to show love and compassion but not to be bullied (((HUGS)))