Choices and Calls

So my previous post said I was taking a...

Sabbatical - bringing a period of rest. ; any extended period of leave from one's customary work, esp. for rest, to acquire new skills or training, etc.

I am trying to do this in amongst regular life, as if I were to just pick up and leave for an extended period of time, I don't think Mr. Cinder would be too happy with me ;D...I'd have a blast I'm sure, with no apparent life responsibilities, but that wouldn't really solve much.

So, these past few days have been ones of rest, from as much as I possibly could...allowing me not to have to leave my house hardly at all, and simply take time whenever I could, to just quiet myself...to do whatever I was led to do. To be quiet before the Lord, even if right now I'm paralyzed to speak verbally with Him, for one reason or another. To listen to music of all avenues and truly drink in what my mind was perceiving and hearing. To sleep and try to get some strength back. What's coming out of this is the realization that He reads our thoughts, even when we can't verbalize them...He still prods you to pray for your family, friends and prayer requests, even though it might be in your thoughts vs. out loud verbally.

Does that realization take away the tiredness and dark view? Not really, but it does bring a huge amount of comfort and peace, in knowing He's still there, despite my view and the current condition of my heart and mind. He doesn't love me any less than when I'm completely 'fired up' and overflowing with passion, and doesn't expect me to be anything more than where I'm at.

So in amongst this time of rest, I've been attempting to do an assignment, for a 'module' I'm taking on serving. We were supposed to explore the different avenues of experiences from our past...educational, spiritual, ministry-wise and the painful & hurtful. The quote which stuck out with this assignment was, "God doesn't waste a hurt." You know, it's very true...there's nothing in our life that can't be used for Him. Even though I type it, I really find it hard to believe sometimes. This assignment's been hard for me on a multitude of levels, 'cause the people around me have a knowledge of what's currently going on with me and what has went on in the past year and bit. But honestly, the only person who truly knows all there is to know about me, is Mr. Cinder.

Because there were judgments by people in the past, it became very easy to never have the conversations which led to my past life experiences. It became very easy to give them a false sense of 'knowing' everything there was to know about me. I'm now having to truly face my past head-on...evaluate whether or not I truly have 'gotten' over and given up past experiences and hurts, explore who I am as a result of these things, and if things haven't been completely given over, then figure out how to do this once and for all.

This is one of the songs I listened to today. When I was a teenager, I listened to this song...it felt like parts of it were reading my mind and bringing my actual experiences to life. Once I was able to break-free from the cycle I had gotten dragged into, and was on a new path, I wasn't able to listen to this song anymore, as it brought back really bad memories and experiences. Even until this week, I couldn't listen to this song...I would turn it off. So as I've went through thinking in terms of this assignment, I came to a decision today that I needed to play this song and not turn it off. Because if I'm truly over and have given up the past hurts, then I should be able to listen to these words and celebrate in the freedom which God has given me by taking it away.

I Hate Myself For Loving You
(Joan Jett/Desmond Child)

I think of you ev'ry night and day

You took my heart then you took my pride away

I hate myself for loving you

Can't break free from the the things that you do

I wanna walk but I run back to you that's why

I hate myself for loving you

©2001 Blackheart Records.

So I did listen to it and I sang it with my own set of lyrics, 'cause you know I don't think of the past every night and day...I've got my heart and my pride back. Would I have preferred to not experience the hurt...yeah, but I'm not gonna hate myself, but instead find purpose in it. I did break free, I walked and might have went back, but eventually walked for good.

And now, I'm in the arms of an amazing man, who walked alongside me through hell and stayed. He never expected more than I could bring and gently encouraged me to become all he knew I could be. He was handpicked by a loving Heavenly Father, who knew exactly what it would take to help me not waste a hurt!

Do I tend to have a long way to go somedays? Yeah, but we'll always be growing and evolving...that's a good thing. Somedays it might seem like a few steps forward and a lot of steps back, but it will eventually bring us forward on the journey. So continues my sabbatical to sleep a little and try to drink in some peace...it's definitely more than I could have ever expected...a very awesome thing!