I guess before I even start, I should warn you that this probably ranks as one of the the darkest entries I've written so far...there's not a lot of fluffiness in this one...hopefully in the near future, I'll be back posting my poetry and happy thoughts, but for now, this is where I'm at! I know I said I was going to take a break from the blogging action, but after talking via email with a friend, they have me convinced that just altering the way I do my blogging vs. quitting altogether may be the better route for me to go. Honestly, it was a mind-boggling weekend in a lot of ways and I think I am still processing everything...yesterday my kids were acting like they ate the contents of a whole candy store and I'm still recovering from that. So for now I simply won't be posting as much...I might post something I've corresponded via email, as some of my emails turn very bloggish, very fast...I'm just plain long-winded sometimes!
This weekend Mr. Cinder and I got to attend a Freedom in Christ seminar, as we are going to be co-leading a small group and will be teaching Beta. It was an eye-opening seminar for me...I honestly didn't think I'd take as much away from it as I did. I had never went through the steps to freedom and worked to make time for this, as a way to start my week. I also attended a heart-wrenching funeral Saturday night (was there to support my friend, who was helping with the sound/music portion)...a precious baby girl, who was carried to full term, but once born, never took a breath. I can't even imagine...Mr. Cinder would have had to carry me to the funeral if it was my child...it was stressful enough for me to be consider high-risk, as I had low platlets and there was always a chance of me bleeding out...we had what the doctor considered to be fairly major medical problems during my pregnancy and delivery of our little girl, but it all seems trivial after this weekend and I feel so very blessed. Please remember this family in prayer if you have a chance...they will need all the blessings, strength and encouragement from the Lord they can have!
Yesterday was "get your act together so as not to scare people half to death" day at our house, and it allowed me an almost two hour slot to sit and pray through all the steps...it was a weird feeling to feel the spiritual battle which engaged and interesting to see the times they appeared throughout that time period. Some of the steps went like clockwork and I had uninterrupted time...but when I got to the one step which I thought might cause problems, I hit a huge roadblock, even though I was already at peace with knowing that I will ultimately win the battle.
You see, I'm pretty sure that I'm suffering from depression at least in a mild to moderate state...I have most of the tell-tale symptoms...there are a few dark times, when I get low enough, that I am overcome with a feeling of inadequacy as a wife, parent, friend, even though Mr. Cinder says that's so, so not true! I feel apprehension so heavy that I can't even explain it, feelings of hopelessness and feelings that my family and friends would be better off with me not here, that they'd be better off with someone who had it more together. I have to praise God that even during these times, I know it's a spiritual battle going on inside of me and that I'm a child of God and that he, my family and my friends love me where I'm at and that the thoughts and feelings are lies from Satan...even though during those times of the thoughts of maybe I should finish things and spare people the burden of where I'm at, I have never and will never give in or follow through with that...suicide, in terms of my life, to me would be letting Satan have the victory and I'm not willing to do that. As I began to pray through the specific prayer regarding suicidal tendencies, I had distractions...for at least at 10 minute window...got me off track and then took time, but eventually it went through...that was such an amazing experience...I shed a lot of tears yesterday in happiness and today I've shed a lot of tears in frustration, but things will eventually look up, that's something I'm totally certain of and take a lot of comfort in right now!
I talked with my friend via email about the fear of telling people, especially a pastor or people I'm trying to make friendships with...it's a fear of what they'll perceive me as, a fear that once out, I'll be seen as unfit to serve in ministry, deemed unworthy or not good enough to be a friend...I know deep down that this isn't true, but sometimes what you know deep down and what you choose to believe at any given moment are two very different things! It was alluded to in the emailing that maybe it's a pride thing...it definitely is a pride thing...not in terms of me thinking I'm above being afflicted with something, more so ashamed and not wanting people to know...worry about what they'll think, about possible accusations of me not having my life together enough and that if I was trusting him enough, that things would be non-existent. This is a relatively new issue in my life, being in the background for a couple of years, but only recently been playing the lead fiddle in my life...there's always that voice which creeps up when you think of letting a wall down...it tries to say people won't accept you/begin and grow friendships with you, people won't see you the same or treat you the same and even though that's usually not true, it seems to take a long time for things to work through.
I'm reading one of two books I picked up Saturday...it's funny how sometimes you tell people the books you're getting and other times you hide them fast, praying no one will see them, 'cause they might drag your butt into the pastor's office...it had an evaluation which allowed you to look at whether you need to be seeking outside counsel...I was in the area where I don't need to seek counsel and should be able to work things through on my own, with the aid of the book...I don't know if I mid-lined some answers to achieve those results...I do know that things are improving, with some pitfalls, but overall are improving...taking the evaluation in December though would have been a completely different line of ducks...December was a really rough month for me emotionally and mentally.
The book is called, "Overcoming Depression" by Neil and Joanne Anderson...it talked about the fact that you can fix a symptom but it doesn't necessarily fix the problem...I've had a lot of people say, go get medicated and that will fix everything, but Mr. Cinder's stood behind me in knowing that that's not going to fix the crap which comes into my head sometimes and continues to help me to try and find the root cause of what's truly going on...in the same sense, I feel at times that I'm being a hypocrite by not allowing people to see that side of me. The people who I know will look at me the same when I'm in the lowest possible point, they know what's going on, because honestly, the fact of feeling God's presence more clearly than ever during those times and knowing I can turn somewhere is what saves me...I do renounce things at those times, even if it does only bandaid the issue...it's crucial...those points are coming fewer and farther and that's truly a blessing from him. I think that's what made the move this fall the hardest...having my support-system ripped away and not wanting to burden anyone in the new setting. It's definitely one of those pride things, where you want to make friends but not have them see the bad and the ugly right away...just let them see the good and okay side and give them the facade that you have it all together, even though you don't!
I am going to continue to be blogging...I will be reading and leaving occasional comments here and there, but will probably be cutting down the time I spend at it for now, so I can concentrate on getting Cinder where she needs to be, so I can be the best wife, mom, friend and most importantly, Child of God that I can be!
"Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that you will abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."
Romans 15:13
