You...

i know i rarely show it lately
i know i rarely stop to talk
life seems to continue on despite the fact
our relationship is continuing to fall out

how we've arrived at this place
i don't really know
these things of life seem to pile up
until the light grows dim and distant

but i want You
yeah, i truly do want You
so much more of You and less of me
deep down inside i know that's how it should be

You're always there
despite what goes down
patiently waiting for me to return
i know i hurt You
as i try to walk it alone
yet You never leave my side

but i want You
yeah, i truly do want You
so much more of You and less of me
deep down inside i know that's how it should be

i need You
i truly need all of You
so much more of You and less of me
deep down i know that's how it has to be

because i need You

Sound Advice

You Raise Me Up

Josh Groban

When I am down and, oh my soul, so weary;
When troubles come and my heart burdened be;
Then, I am still and wait here in the silence,
Until you come and sit awhile with me.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up... To more than I can be.

As I was listening to music this afternoon, attempting to get some quiet and regain a little peace, this song was one I listened to. It seemed like pretty clear advice I needed to hear. I thought it would serve as a little bit of a better post than the one below.

Survival

I'm really, really tired right now. I could put up some fluffy post right now, but I don't want to. You know, I know God is with me all the time...He's my peace, strength and all I need to get through all things. But right now, this life seems like I've done something wrong and I'm being punished...things just keep coming and they don't let up.

I really can't take it anymore...if that shows a lack of faith, I'm sorry, but it's where I am. How's the saying go? "Survival of the the fittest"...it feels like a continual game of survival...I don't feel very fit to fight anything and I honestly don't want to fight or play anymore. I simply want it to be finished.

Grant All Which Is Needed

Drink

"It was the last and most important day of the Feast. Jesus stood up and spoke in a loud voice. He said, "Let anyone who is thirsty come to me and drink. Does anyone believe in me? Then, just as Scripture says, streams of living water will flow from inside him."

~ John 7:37-38

Enthralled

Embraced

Empathetic

Engulfed

Exhausted

Exanimate

Food I Was Drawn to Today...My Life's Theme Verses

"Then Moses summoned Joshua. He said to him with all Israel watching, "Be strong. Take courage. You will enter the land with this people, this land that God promised their ancestors that he'd give them. You will make them the proud possessors of it. God is striding ahead of you. He's right there with you. He won't let you down; he won't leave you. Don't be intimidated. Don't worry." (Deuteronomy 31:7-8, MSG)


"This is God's Word on the subject: "As soon as Babylon's seventy years are up and not a day before, I'll show up and take care of you as I promised and bring you back home. I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for. 12"When you call on me, when you come and pray to me, I'll listen. "When you come looking for me, you'll find me. "Yes, when you get serious about finding me and want it more than anything else, I'll make sure you won't be disappointed."
(Jeremiah 29:10-14(a), MSG)


"Don't you know anything? Haven't you been listening?God doesn't come and go. God lasts. He's Creator of all you can see or imagine.He doesn't get tired out, doesn't pause to catch his breath. And he knows everything, inside and out. He energizes those who get tired, gives fresh strength to dropouts. For even young people tire and drop out, young folk in their prime stumble and fall. But those who wait upon God get fresh strength. They spread their wings and soar like eagles, they run and don't get tired, they walk and don't lag behind." (Isaiah 40:28-31, MSG)

I Love You Sweetie...

Hey there Mr. Cinder...this post's for you.

As your arms wrap around me,
I rest in the comfort of your love.
I realize how much I take you for granted,
A dangerous step I should never embark on.

Sometimes this life is so crazy and inexplicable,
The hairiness too easily spills over and consumes.
Robbing our haven we've worked so hard to build,
Of the sanctuary of peace it should very well be.

I couldn't imagine my life without you in it,
That would be inexplicable and crazy in itself.
I love you so much more than I ever voice or show,
My wish for you is that I'll no longer take for granted the precious time we share together.

That's truly what our love is...
Precious, unconditional and a blessing beyond my wildest dreams.
Through all life has to offer,
We continue to grow and so does our love...deeper everyday.

Some Food Feeding Me Today...

"The God who made the world and everything in it, this Master of sky and land, doesn't live in custom-made shrines or need the human race to run errands for him, as if he couldn't take care of himself. He makes the creatures; the creatures don't make him. Starting from scratch, he made the entire human race and made the earth hospitable, with plenty of time and space for living so we could seek after God, and not just grope around in the dark but actually find him. He doesn't play hide-and-seek with us. He's not remote; he's near. We live and move in him, can't get away from him! One of your poets said it well: 'We're the God-created.' Well, if we are the God-created, it doesn't make a lot of sense to think we could hire a sculptor to chisel a god out of stone for us, does it? (Acts 17:26-28, MSG)


"So let's do it—full of belief, confident that we're presentable inside and out. Let's keep a firm grip on the promises that keep us going. He always keeps his word. Let's see how inventive we can be in encouraging love and helping out, not avoiding worshiping together as some do but spurring each other on, especially as we see the big Day approaching."
(Hebrews 10:24-25, MSG)


"Take this most seriously: A yes on earth is yes in heaven; a no on earth is no in heaven. What you say to one another is eternal. I mean this. When two of you get together on anything at all on earth and make a prayer of it, my Father in heaven goes into action. And when two or three of you are together because of me, you can be sure that I'll be there."
( Matthew 18:19-20, MSG)


You can give without loving, But you cannot love without giving.
~ Amy Carmichael

Question...

This is probably a question I should be able to answer, but right now am really struggling with...

How do you know if something is a spiritual battle OR if it's God telling you it's time to stop and rest?

God Speaks in Many Avenues

Nightmare #71

(Larry Norman)

Last night I had that same old dream it rocked me in my sleep
And left me the impression that the sandman plays for keeps
I dreamed I was in concert in the middle of the clouds
John Wayne and Billy Graham were giving breath mints to the crowds
I fell through a hole in heaven I left the stage for good
And when I landed on the earth I was back in Hollywood

The California earthquake it tore the land in half
While San Andreas cleared her throat I heard tsunami laugh
The ground began to tremble the land began to sway
And people in the other states they were glad they'd moved away
But suddenly California just floated in the breeze
While every state that wasn't sank down into the seas

And soon I saw Atlantis rumble and rise high
And the great egg of Euphrates came down out of the sky
And out stepped Shirley Temple with Guy Kippee who was dead
And that communist Bill Robinson whom Shirley called black red
They have a marionette of Harpo Marx they said it was an inside joke
But when I honked his horn he came alive and these were the words he spoke

"With the continents adrift and the sun about to shift
Will the ice caps drown us all or will we burn
We've polluted what we own will we reap what we have sown?
Are we headed for the end or can we turn?
We've paved the forest killed the streams
Burned the bridges to our dreams
The earth is bursting at the seams
And in pain of childbirth screams
As it gives life to what seems
To either be an age that gleams
Or simply lays there dying
If this goes on will life survive how can it
Out of the grave oh who will save our planet?"

I said I'm pleased to meet you I always thought you were a scream
He said "Have you ever thought of having Helen Keller in your dreams
I said Errol Flynn dropped by but he tried to steal my girl
The she ran off with Ronald Colman said something about a new world
Now I'm stuck with my own cooking hey I'm lonely can't you see
Well he grabbed my leg and said exactly eighty nine words to me
Count them

"Let the proud but dying nation kiss the last generation
It's the year of the pill, age of the gland
We have landed on the moon but we'll clutter that up soon
Our sense of freedom's gotten out of hand
We kill our children swap our wives
We've learned to greet a man with knives
We swallow pills in fours and fives
Our cities look like crumbling hives
Man does not live he just survives
We sleep till he arrives
Love is a corpse we sit and watch it harden
We left it oh so long ago the garden"

The strings snapped briskly then went slack the marionette lay dead
While Hoover played with the motorcade the body slumped and bled
The man who held the camera disappeared into the crowd
I said the hope of youth, fictitious truth, lays covered in a shroud
Then up walked Elmo Lincoln and he said I beg you pardon
But we left it oh so long ago, the garden.

These words were read yesterday...I can't honestly tell you if all of them were read or only a portion, because certain words spoke so powerfully to me, that I missed a lot of others. Thank goodness I had enough brain-power to write down the song...I like Larry Norman's music, even have some of it, but because growing up, I didn't have any access to Christian music, I am only now realizing how powerful his lyrics are.

This part overwhelmed me and had me choking back tears badly...

"We swallow pills in fours and fives

Our cities look like crumbling hives

Man does not live he just survives

We sleep till he arrives

Love is a corpse we sit and watch it harden

We left it oh so long ago the garden"

You see, my life right now is swallowing pills in fours and fives, more than once a day. The reality for me...even when I beat this stupid infection, in order to be proactive, I will be supplementing and that will involve taking pills in threes, fours and fives, more than once a day.

I guess the bottom line was, that anything which could have went wrong this weekend, did. I was paid to decorate a cake and even though I did get the cake made and delivered, it cracked more than once and had to be fixed. In the picture I have of it, you can't tell that badly, but I guess it's one of those things, where I knew it wasn't the best I could have done. Anyways, so I had hardly any sleep, wasn't feeling the best because of that and my meds. I did actually get some time to go visit and eat food at a Pampered Chef party, which was pretty sweet. When I got home, we realized Little Miss was sick...she had a fever of 39.6 and there was green goop coming out her nose and eyes. So things were pretty hairy.

You know, I'm at a point where I've got my arms up the air and I'm waving the white flag...I'm screaming, "Enough already...pick someone else to battle, PLEASE!!"

"Our cities look like crumbling hives"

I would like to say that life is very different from when I grew up, but the sad truth is that it's not...it's simply continuing to get worse. I'm not going to list off what all went on in my growing phase. The one thing though, which sticks out in my head to this day...the high school year which was dedicated to three students who had died that year. I had been in the one girl's class throughout junior high and had some classes with her in high school. She hung herself with an extension cord...I don't know that memories like that ever really leave...the sadness felt over this death and trying to process all the "Whys". I wish my kids wouldn't have to deal with what I dealt with, but they will most likely encounter so much worse.

"Man does not live he just survives"

This line took my breath clear away, because during my battles with health, I feel this everyday. I simply try to survive the day, in order to make it to the next one, hoping that each one will be a little better and that eventually, I will be able to regain my strength enough, to actually live life and not simply want survival. I feel jipped some days. I feel like I'm missing out on so much...with my family, my friends, etc. and I don't have very much control over it and that hurts the most. I'm a different person on some of these medications...they alter so much of me, that when I look in the mirror, I see a stranger. I see a stranger, who's tired, down and simply trying to make it through this day with as little of anything as possible, so that they will be able to find their footing for the days which follow that one.

I guess this post is more "Food for Thought" for me, in order to help me process further. There are many verses about rest...many of them have been posted on here. I'm going to end with this one. I like the fact Jesus not only commands rest, but He says to come away with him, by yourself to a quiet place. He doesn't just want us to meet with Him...He wants that meeting to be one of solitude, peace and restoration...truly wants every part of us, not only a portion.

"Then, because so many people were coming and going that they did not even have a chance to eat, he said to them, "Come with me by yourselves to a quiet place and get some rest."

~ Mark 6:31

Descriptions of Life

Lately, I've been looking at what I penned for the description of this blog and me. I remember back then, it was a hard task to write anything tangible down in either of these areas. Now I look at them, and wonder how much I'm actually measuring up, on a daily basis.

"These are the thoughts and writings of a wife and a mother...who's goal is to walk alongside Christ, through faith and servant hood...wanting be "real" in all aspects of life."

I've learned some pretty valuable lessons the last while, in terms of being 'real in all aspects of life'. Especially when you find out that it hasn't necessarily been your regular practice, this isn't always as easy a feat as what it might seem. It's taken a long time to break down the walls which were up. It's also taken a bit for me to truly accept who I am as a person...that's continuing to be the key to growing towards living 'real' for me. It has indeed been a very special experience, to have people know the 'real' me. Are there days where I'm more withdrawn and closed? Yeah, I think there will always be those times for me. Lately as I've been sick so much, I don't want to burden people with it or appear as someone who's just a walking disease breeder. So, I end up saying, "I'm fine", partly because it's easier than explaining and mainly, because I don't want to dwell on the negative, but instead, continue to press on.

"I'm a wife and a mother who's continuing to learn daily about God's love and direction...and am continuing to learn how to best share his love with those around me and to serve him in the best possible way."

Lately, I'm learning to embrace my roles in this life. I have always felt very blessed through being a wife and a mother, but I'm working hard to have the best attitude inside and out. To not only think about the blessings, but reflect them outwardly, which is something I'm sometimes very guilty of not doing.

I'm learning that I have so much to learn about the blessing of God's love and the power of His direction. His love is beautiful and engulfing, especially when you come to a point of total surrender and allow Him to truly wrap around and fill you completely. The peace which comes from this is breath-taking for me and I don't have words which can adequately describe it.

I think I've learned that I still have a long way to go, in terms of being strong verbally when sharing His love with those around me. My eyes have been opened though, to how much my actions do and do not portray His love. It's sometimes a daily battle for me to live out in a positive aspect vs. a negative. There are those times when it simply feels like 'it doesn't rain, but instead pours'.

I actually am gaining an understanding as to why sometimes 'it doesn't rain, but instead pours' in my life. I've adopted the attitude, that if I continue to plug away at life, things won't seem quite so bad, as then I'm not dwelling on them. A thought which came to me this morning was this...maybe you aren't supposed to just continue to plow through...maybe you're supposed to rest and because you are choosing not to, that is indeed why it feels like things are 'pouring'. Maybe if you simply rested and allowed your body to mend, then things wouldn't have to continue 'pouring' until you get to a breaking point, where there is no other option but to rest.

I am slowly starting to realize that each day is a brand new canvas...each week will hold a variety of game plays, challenges, blessings and realizations. Some will go seamlessly and essentially 'fly by'...others will offer huge challenges, seem to almost stand still in time and take everything you've got, to get through. It's a huge process to learn to see the positive in all things for me, but I'm learning, because that's really the most important thing I'm called to bring to this life...a heart which longs to love with everything, learn and drink in all life has to offer and long to gain all it takes to experience this life to the fullest.

Tricks

To those who might be wondering if your eyes are playing tricks on you...that every time you visit my blog, there's a different blog skin appearing. There are no tricks being played...Cindertales has indeed had 4 blog skins the past couple of weeks. Long story that I don't feel like sharing, but anyhow, I think this one MIGHT be a keeper...at least for a little bit ;D!

A Little Bit of C.S. Lewis

"Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, "What! You too? I thought I was the only one!"

~ ~ ~

"Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art... It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival."

Life Lessons

** WARNING: This post is ALL over the board. If you email with me or read other posts I put up elsewhere, this will be painfully repetitive. Sorry...it's all I got in me right now ;D! **


Well, I guess it's been a while since I've been on to update my blog. I've actually came on quite a few times, but just haven't felt up to posting anything. Maybe it's writer block...maybe it's simply because of where life is going right now. I am battling a drug-resistant infection right now and it's taking a lot out of me. The only oral drug left to use is really strong, so we are now simply seeing how my body will react to it and also, as to whether it will rid me of the infection.

I received this message via email the other day and am going to post it, as I thought it offered some pretty good life lessons...

ONE. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
TWO. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.
THREE. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.
FOUR. When you say, "I love you," mean it.
FIVE. When you say, "I'm sorry," look the person in the eye.
SIX. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
SEVEN. Believe in love at first sight.
EIGHT. Never laugh at anyone's dream. People who don't have dreams don't have much.
NINE. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.
TEN. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.
ELEVEN. Don't judge people by their relatives.
TWELVE. Talk slowly but think quickly.
THIRTEEN. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?"
FOURTEEN. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk..
FIFTEEN. Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.
SIXTEEN. When you lose, don't lose the lesson
SEVENTEEN. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; and responsibility for all your actions.
EIGHTEEN. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
NINETEEN. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
TWENTY. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.
TWENTY-ONE. Spend some time alone.

I came upon a scripture earlier in the week, which screamed community to me. I'm closing with it, as I can really feel God's community right now...both in terms of being there for those around me and also in terms of feeling lifted up.

"Joshua did what Moses ordered in order to fight Amalek. And Moses, Aaron, and Hur went to the top of the hill. It turned out that whenever Moses raised his hands, Israel was winning, but whenever he lowered his hands, Amalek was winning. But Moses' hands got tired. So they got a stone and set it under him. He sat on it and Aaron and Hur held up his hands, one on each side. So his hands remained steady until the sun went down. Joshua defeated Amalek and its army in battle." (Exodus 10:13, MSG)

Blessings of Refuge

God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear..."Be still, and know that I am God;"

~ Psalm 46:1-2(a), 10(a)


This verse was sent to me by a friend. Speaks huge amounts of truth and comfort! I find it interesting, how when you are battling something such as a really persistent illness, or whatever it might be in life, how huge it can become. The result for me of things becoming so huge...I become grumpy, tired, down, clouded in terms of my thinking and really, forget to rely on the one thing I should be...GOD and HIS WORD.

It's a definite blessing, that I have people who pass scripture and encouragement my way, during these times. It brings me back to reality, takes my mind off all that's happening and helps me to refocus. Huge blessings which, often times, seemingly get overlooked.

Love...

Well, I guess I should probably say something, instead of simply posting a huge thing of scripture. I've been thinking a lot about how loved I am and about those around me I love so much. I don't live it enough...but it's there, deep within, even when I'm not sharing it.

This is one of my favorites in the scripture passages department...especially when I need a boost. Yeah, I a lot of times, find direction through this one and a lot of peace. I guess that's all the speaking I'm going to do today. Back to the couch to rest a while longer!

You know, does anyone out there have any good leads on pain relievers? 'Cause, I'm not having success in this department right now, and that really might go a long way in helping my overall 'mood' to improve.


If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don't love, I'm nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate. If I speak God's Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, "Jump," and it jumps, but I don't love, I'm nothing. If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don't love, I've gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I'm bankrupt without love.

Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.
Love doesn't strut,
Doesn't have a swelled head,
Doesn't force itself on others,
Isn't always "me first,"
Doesn't fly off the handle,
Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn't revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.

Love never dies. Inspired speech will be over some day; praying in tongues will end; understanding will reach its limit. We know only a portion of the truth, and what we say about God is always incomplete. But when the Complete arrives, our incompletes will be canceled.

When I was an infant at my mother's breast, I gurgled and cooed like any infant. When I grew up, I left those infant ways for good.

We don't yet see things clearly. We're squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won't be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We'll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us!

But for right now, until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation: Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love.

~ 1 Corinthians 13:1-13 (MSG)

Cinder's Whine...

The song below came on as I was finishing up teaching Little Mister today. You know, some Christian music I can listen to and some I can't, but Mark Shultz is one of those that I can definitely listen to at ease.

With the whole surrender to God, I don't know that I have actually caught on to the act of surrendering things to Him. I know it's a dangerous practice, as then I open myself up to attempting things on my own, yet again, and that just leads to disaster in a variety of forms. I'm trying hard, but for a variety of reasons, it's not completely happening.

The bottom-line...right now I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. I'd be lying if I said it wasn't bringing me down. I've entered this week, completely backing out of all my commitments, as I don't have the energy to do them. In the same sense, I don't easily tell people the extent to which I'm feeling sick, as I have so many friends who are a lot sicker than me and I want them lifted up as much as humanly possible. It's frustrating, especially since it ends up coloring all aspects of life and that's not a good thing in any light. So this week will most likely hold another date with the doctor and more meds which seem to not work.

One thing that won't change...I do love Him more than anything in this world and am blessed because His presence. I guess the key right now, is simply embracing His love, resting in His presence and knowing that He never places things before us which we can't handle or overcome.


Broken & Beautiful
(Mark Shultz, Broken and Beautiful)

There’s a businessman
There’s a widowed wife
There’s a smiling face with a shattered life
There’s a teenage girl with a choice to make
It’s crowded here in church today

And the preacher says as the sermon ends
Please close your eyes and bow your heads
Is there anyone in need of prayer
Jesus wants to meet you here
‘cause we all fall short
We all have sinned
But when you let God’s Grace break in…

(Chorus)
It’s beautiful
Beautiful
Come as you are
Surrender your heart
Broken and beautiful

Well he’d never been to church before
But he came today as a last resort
His world was crashing in
And he was suffocating in his sin

But tears ran down
As hope rushed in
He closed his eyes
Raised his hands
Worshiping the God who can
Bring him back to life again

(Chorus)

Cause there’s nothing more beautiful to God
Than when his sons and daughters come
Broken
Alleluia
Alleluia
Come as you are
Alleluia
Alleluia
Come as you are

(Chorus)

Alleluia
Alleluia
Come as you are
(Come as you are)
Surrender your heart
Broken and beautiful

Alleluia
Alleluia
Come as you are
(Come as you are)
Surrender your heart
Broken and beautiful

Taking Blows When You're Down

"if satan can't touch God without burning up, he'll poke at God by hurting us." (jollybeggar)


As life has played out this past little while, I've thought a lot about this quote. I've been in many discussions with people about life and why things happen the way they do.

Throughout all the discussions, I've had a variety of opinions come out of them. I know that there are definite consequences to our actions, especially when we step outside of God's will or make a not so bright decision. That goes with having a Father/child relationship, like what we experience with God. Just like as a parent, I can't let things slide when my kids get off track, either can He with us. That all comes in the whole growing portion of the walk in Christ. But, I have been told by a variety of people, that this is the reason for all things, all the time...I have trouble believing that though.

Throughout the past couple of years, I've dealt with this issue head-on and have come to the conclusion that there is a definite spiritual battle going on. Yeah, you can't blame all things on it, but there are definitely those times when you feel like you're getting repeatedly hit. You don't even have time to catch your breath before the next blow hits you. It's almost like you are being kept 'down' so that you'll be of no apparent use to God's kingdom work. Really, to me, it's like the quote above...satan will do whatever it takes to poke at God and if that means through the process of hurting His children, then that's the route which will be taken.

For me lately, it's been a process, of trying to really see things for what they truly are. By being able to do that, I'm able to discern whether something is a battle, a lesson, a consequence of my actions or simply a happening in life. I'm learning to try to not be beaten down by what happens in life, no matter how frustrating or unexplainable it might seem. I'm trying hard to keep a more positive mindset and outlook, then I've been prone to having the past couple of years.

I don't know that there's any concrete answer in this department. Depending who you talk to, you will always get a huge variety of answers on the topic, simply due to upbringing, religion, denomination and a whole other bag of things.

For me, I can only really go on my experiences and where they have taken me. To me, that quote speaks a lot of truth. I think this earthly portion of the walk will always be a very interesting journey. We aren't meant to know everything that will happen and really don't know most days what will come around the next corner. For me, I simply continue to work at strengthening who I am as a person, in order to be more prepared for the unexpected, unexplainable, etc. I pray that I'll be able to come out the other side, still standing on two feet and stronger as a result of what's transpired. I think that's His wish as well.

Weird Mood...

**I'm in a weird mood, so I thought I'd post some Monty Python**

"I'm so Worried"

(from Monty Python's Contractual Obligations Album)

I'm so worried about what's happenin' today, in the middle east, you know.
And I'm worried about the baggage retrieval system they've got at Heathrow.
I'm so worried about the fashions today, I don't think they're good for your feet.
And I'm so worried about the shows on TV that sometimes they want to repeat.

I'm so worried about what's happenin' today, you know.

And I'm worried about the baggage retrieval system they've got at Heathrow.

I'm so worried about my hair falling out and the state of the world today.

And I'm so worried about bein' so full of doubt about everything, anyway.

I'm so worried about modern technology.

I'm so worried about all the things that they dump in the sea.

I'm so worried about it, worried about it, worried, worried, worried.

I'm so worried about everything that can go wrong.

I'm so worried about whether people like this song.

I'm so worried about this very next verse, it isn't the best that I've got.

And I'm so worried about whether I should go on, or whether I should just stop.

(pause)

I'm worried about whether I ought to have stopped.

And I'm worried about, it's the sort of thing I ought to know.

And I'm worried about the baggage retrieval system they've got at Heathrow.

(longer pause)

I'm so worried about whether I should have stopped then.

I'm so worried that I'm driving everyone 'round the bend.

I'm worried about the baggage retrieval system they've got at Heathrow.

I'm Back....

It's definitely been a pretty interesting week. I just felt a need to take a complete break from typing my thoughts online. I even took a few days break from email...when people emailed me they received the following message..."I am taking a short break from the world of email and internet, but I'll be back. I will reply to your message when I return." I had quite a few people ask me what was up. I told them that I felt I had let the computer overtake my life a bit too much and needed to regain some stronger discipline in this area. I also had many who commented really positively at seeing that message bounce back to them.

Where it really came from though, was the sermon preached last Sunday at church. We have been going through a series on Joshua this month and last week's sermon was on CONFIDENCE IN GOD...Choose HOW you will succeed: with faithlessness and fear or with or with faithfulness and courage. Hmmm, what is the definition of fear again?

fear
1. a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid. 2. a specific instance of or propensity for such a feeling: an abnormal fear of heights. 3. concern or anxiety; solicitude: a fear for someone's safety. 4. reverential awe, esp. toward God. 5. that which causes a feeling of being afraid; that of which a person is afraid: Cancer is a common fear. –verb (used with object) 6. to regard with fear; be afraid of. 7. to have reverential awe of. 8. Archaic. to experience fear in (oneself). –verb (used without object) 9. to have fear; be afraid.

This sermon hit way too close to home for me for a variety of reasons. I have been living life in fear the last little while. Fear of failure in all aspects of my life, fear of continual sickness, fear of my fellow man...this has caused me to have a very low self-worth and really made me want to live life almost in an invisible state.

At the end of our sermon notes was a simple response...I AM TOO BIG/SMALL AND IT'S GETTING IN THE WAY OF SERVING YOU. We were invited to come to the cross and leave our response there...make sure that we didn't leave having unfinished business with God. So I met with God at that cross last Sunday and did business with Him. I confessed what needed to be confessed, I sat and wept in His presence and also was refueled by His presence and love.

This was one of the songs we sang...did I say that I was on worship team last week? But as my friends told me...you do business with God if you need to, 'cause that takes precedent over all things! Anyhow, I really drank this song in as we sang it...


EVERMORE
(Joel Houston)
LOST FOR WORDS WITH ALL TO SAY
LORD YOU TAKE MY BREATH AWAY
STILL MY SOUL, MY SOUL CRIES OUT FOR YOU ARE HOLY

AND AS I LOOK UPON YOUR NAME
CIRCUMSTANCES FADE AWAY
NOW YOUR GLORY STEALS MY HEART FOR YOU ARE HOLY

YOU ARE HOLY
YOU ARE HOLY, LORD

EVERMORE MY HEART, MY HEART WILL SAY
ABOVE ALL I LIVE FOR YOUR GLORY
EVEN IF MY WORLD FALLS I WILL SAY
ABOVE ALL I LIVE FOR YOUR GLORY

WITH ALL MY HEART I’LL SAY
I’M LIVING FOR YOUR NAME
WITH ALL TO GIVE YOU PRAISE
WE’RE LIVING FOR YOUR GLORY LORD

So, a lot of this week was spent attempting to hash out a plan with Him. Get my life back together...begin to not only carve out and begin spiritual disciplines, but most importantly, to make them part of my everyday life, so that they become as natural as breathing. I've failed deeply in this area and am now working hard to rectify the situation.

I've also continued to do battle with illness and so have needed to put my energy into teaching, attempting to do life with my family and simply resting. Life continues to be interesting...I have a very unusual allergy/intolerance...to garlic! On Friday, Mr. Cinder and I actually went out on a date...ended up being sicker than a dog from reacting to garlic in the food. Oh well, it was a blast and I wouldn't trade it, but I am still recovering from it, as my stomach has taken a beating, with this and also all the antibiotics I've been taking.

Another song we sang, fueled me greatly and I've sang it more than once this week. I think it's a good way to end this post...I'm thinking I'll be singing it more than once this week as well!


I WILL NOT BE SHAKEN
I WILL DECLARE MY CHOICE TO THE NATION
I WILL SHOUT FOR JOY IN THE CONGREGATION
I WILL SERVE MY GOD… ALL MY DAYS

AND THOSE WHO LOVE THE LORD ARE SATISFIED
THOSE WHO TRUST IN HIM ARE JUSTIFIED
AND I WILL WORSHIP GOD… ALL MY DAYS

WHEN THE NATIONS CRUMBLE…
(THE WORD OF THE LORD WILL STAND)
KINGS MAY RISE AND FALL…
(BUT HIS LOVE WILL ENDURE)
THOUGH THE STRONG MAY STUMBLE…
(THE WORD OF THE LORD IS STRENGTH)
TO MY SOUL (TO MY SOUL AND…)
I WILL NOT BE SHAKEN- I WILL NOT BE MOVED
I WILL NOT BE SHAKEN
© 1996 Integrity Hosanna!/ CCLI #285903

Mandatory Rest Period...

"Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly."

~ Matthew 11:28:30

Venomous Drippings...

Here comes the discharge sign again. People who have read my blog for a while might very well remember what this sign stands for. But I'll give an explanation for anyone who might not know.

I guess maybe this will scream weakness or lack of meekness, but I'm going to be quiet for a while. Very well might only be a couple days, but it has to be done. I'm not real proud of it, but right now it seems like everything which comes out of my mouth hits like venom. I'd prefer to sit quietly and hopefully have some anti-venom treatment, so that when I open my mouth, people will instead be greeted with love and openness.

We'll talk to you soon and I hope that you'll be blanketed with His love, grace and many blessings!

Continual Mediation = All You Need

"Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, that you may be successful wherever you go. Do not let this Book of the Law depart from your mouth; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful. Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."

~ Joshua 1:7-9

Complex Love....

Your love amazes me,
Your devotion's humbling.
I would rather live forever with you,
Than one second apart from your presence!

Help me be Your hands, feet & eyes,
To all who cross my path.
Shine your love through me,
Help me meet people where they are, regardless of how they treat me!

A Little Bono

"Fear is the opposite of faith."
~ Bono

"Freedom has a scent like the top of a new born babies head."
~ Bono

"Every age has its massive moral blind spots. We might not see them, but our children will."
~ Bono

Favorites...

This is one of my favorite songs...it reminds me of the love I've been blessed with. I too often take it for granted and don't cherish & treat this with the devotion and respect that it's deserving of. This week's one of counting my blessings, and realizing that sometimes we don't have to look very far at all to see and embrace them.

Where You Are

(by Rascal Flatts)

There you are standing strong

I'm a leaf holding on

You believe like a child

In this fire running wild

Oh I love how you see right to the heart of me

You're a waterfall washing over me

I'm a thirsty man let me drink you in

I am on my way

You're a mountain top

When I reach for you

Your love lifts me up

And all that I want is to be

Where you are

I'm the frozen ground

You're the warm sunlight

Shining down on me

Baby, just in time

I have never been in love like this

Oh, you move my soul every time we kiss

And I love how you heal

I can't believe how alive I feel

You're a waterfall washing over me

I'm a thirsty man let me drink you in

I am on my way

You're a mountain top

When I reach for you

Your love lifts me up

And all that I want is to be

Where you are

The scripture below is one I go to often. I have a lot to learn when it comes to being the most suitable helpmate to Mr. Cinder, but thank goodness he loves me for I am...imperfections. short-comings and all that. Because of that devotion, it challenges me to love him with a love like he does me...I think that's the most precious of all blessings which comes from the union of marriage.

"Wives, follow the lead of your husbands as you follow the Lord. The husband is the head of the wife, just as Christ is the head of the church. The church is Christ's body. He is its Savior. The church follows the lead of Christ. In the same way, wives should follow the lead of their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives. Love them just as Christ loved the church. He gave himself up for her. He did it to make her holy. He made her clean by washing her with water and the word. He did it to bring her to himself as a brightly shining church. He wants a church that has no stain or wrinkle or any other flaw. He wants a church that is holy and without blame. In the same way, husbands should love their wives. They should love them as they love their own bodies. Any man who loves his wife loves himself. After all, people have never hated their own bodies. Instead, they feed and care for their bodies. And that is what Christ does for the church. We are parts of his body. Scripture says, "That's why a man will leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife. The two will become one."—(Genesis 2:24) That is a deep mystery. But I'm talking about Christ and the church. A husband also must love his wife. He must love her just as he loves himself. And a wife must respect her husband."

~ Ephesians 5:22-33

Dreams Which Stop You Dead in Your Tracks...

I don't about anyone else, but sometimes I have these dreams at night...or these vivid images, which come into my head during the day while I'm taking time to reflect. Sometimes they are dealing with life issues and ministry, but then there are those ones which scare the living daylights out of you...simply because it makes no apparent sense as to why they arose, and for me, because I know that there's most likely something which I need to take from it.

The latest one of these...I was in a hospital room beside the bed of someone who was covered in tubing and on a respirator. That someone ended up being Mr. Cinder. Long story short, it ended up with a funeral and a young widow of three children, and it made absolutely no sense to me.

But the word which came to me from it...you are making yourself available to those around you, but you are forgetting to be there deeply for the person closest to you. Embrace the relationship of your best friend and walk the walk alongside him...everything else going on will fall into place just fine.

I guess it was a little visionary wake-up call for me. It's very easy to be there for everyone else and think the closest relationships you have are strong and will be there intact as a result of that strength. But I know from experience, that you can never guess what's around the next corner and you should embrace every moment you have. I need to be concentrating on creating a beautiful legacy for my children...of the love of two parents who were devoted to each other, were truly best friends and walked the walk together, through all things.

Bottom line...that's one of the most important jobs we'll ever have, as soon as we enter into marriage...creating a Godly legacy for all who cross our path. I wish I wouldn't get so involved with life that I sometimes lose sight of that...it's truly precious and a blessing beyond my wildest of dreams!

Life's Goliaths

I was saying to someone today, that I find it quite interesting how God works sometimes. The way He places words on our hearts to be spoken, and puts us in just the right place to hear words placed on someone else's heart...which are the ones you are supposed to hear. He works in very marvellous and mysterious ways.

Last month, I made the decision to step down from the teaching rotation of my 4s and 5s class. But, I still am blessed to be able to go downstairs every so often and give a quick 5 to 10 minute message to the older kids (Gr. 1-8).

The kids were learning about David and Goliath today, so I was asked to speak with them about our real-life Goliaths. I ended up talking about "5 Stones Which Will Defeat Life's Goliaths" from Sermons 4 Kids. For every stone David had, I gave them a promise or discipline to use, along with a corresponding scripture verse from the story of David and Goliath.

So here are the "5 Stones Which Will Defeat Life's Goliaths":

COURAGE-"David said to Saul, "Don't let anyone lose hope because of that Philistine. I'll go out and fight him." (1 Samuel 17:32)

CONFIDENCE-"The Lord saved me from the paw of the lion. He saved me from the paw of the bear. And he'll save me from the powerful hand of this Philistine too." Saul said to David, "Go. And may the Lord be with you." (1 Samuel 17:37)

PREPARATION-"Then David picked up his wooden staff. He went down to a stream and chose five smooth stones. He put them in the pocket of his shepherd's bag. Then he took his sling in his hand and approached Goliath." (1 Samuel 17:40)

TRUST-"David said to Goliath, "You are coming to fight against me with a sword, a spear and a javelin. But I'm coming against you in the name of the Lord who rules over all. He is the God of the armies of Israel. He's the one you have dared to fight against." (1 Samuel 17:45)

VICTORY-"So David won the fight against Goliath with a sling and a stone. He struck the Philistine down and killed him. He did it without even using a sword." (1 Samuel 17:50)

It was a very timely message for me to be teaching to the kids today. It basically brought all the steps I'd went through this week and summed them up. I was able to candidly tell them that even adults have Goliaths (fear, insecurity, loneliness, etc.), but that with God, we can overcome all things, because nothing is too big for Him.

Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible."

~Matthew 19:26

Surrender

I had a quote sent to me, which I've already posted at northVUs. So instead of reposting it here, I'm providing the link to go read it... Shortword 27. The quote came at a very interesting time throughout the week. It spoke a lot to me about how we choose to live this life. You get out what you put in...that applies across the board in all areas.

The other end of the spectrum is, that even though you might put your all into things, including loving those around you, it doesn't mean that it'll be reciprocated. Because of how I'm wired, that can sometimes be a hard thing to accept. Let's face it...it digs deep and hurts real bad! I've found myself having to truly surrender 'stuff' this week. That whole process of surrender is sometimes a really difficult thing to do. It comes with a lot of weight and responsibility...that you will truly leave the whole thing at His feet and continue down life's road, without picking it back up.

Because really, picking it back up is only going to rub salt in old wounds, bring up past pain and continue to allow the monkey to be on your back and in your face. In essence, crippling the power the Holy Spirit can truly have in your life...to heal, strengthen, etc...grant you peace, courage and assurance.

Well, that's where I am today...actually feeling a huge amount of peace. Who knows how long it will last...really we never know what's around the corner, but I'm going to breathe it in for however long it's here, because it's awesome in ways I can't begin to describe! Blessings and love in His name to you all...

Always With Us...

God is There

When the sky is dark -

He is there.

When you are all alone -

He is there.

When nothing goes your way -

He is there.

When you are in pain -

He is there.

When people are against you -

He is there.

When you are frightened or worried -

He is there.

When those you love are in crisis -

He is there.

When you feel as if God is far away -

He is there.

When doubt and confusion weigh you down -

He is there.

When you are about to breathe your last -

He is there.

And where God is there is always hope.

Dr. Steve Stephens'

A Bull-Headed Grump

"i think the problem is that we think that we have to figure it all out in order to pray for God to do the right thing. we should probably just ask for that, whether we can discern what the right thing is or not. he's God. he'll figure it out."

He truly does speak mountains somedays through the people around us. I guess the trick is, as to whether we choose to listen and heed the advice, or continue to try the road on our own. I wish somedays I wasn't quite so bull-headed, grumpy and a true annoyance. I guess that's my cue to be quiet a little while...silence is sometimes the best policy to heed...for all who are involved.

Sunshine, Roses and a Smile

"Hope you are feeling better. I know you have been struggling with your health. God Bless you all. Know I'm praying for you all...Love you all"

I find it so humbling how God works through those around us. Especially when it might not seem like you've done something all that significant, but simply did something that you felt led to do. Many of you do that through a comment of love left on my blog or an email found in my Inbox.

The note above was waiting for me in my Inbox. The most special thing about this note is because of who it came from. This friend has been battling cancer for a very long time and just portrays a strength and faith, which I'd never seen at that level, until I met her. Those words overwhelmed me, as I've been thinking about them, but due to illness, haven't been able to see them very much at all the last little while.

My friend is a rare gem and a true beauty. His love, grace, strength, endurance and peace pour through them every single day. Their words were like sunshine, a beautiful rose and a smile coming through my computer tonight. Truly precious is this life we are granted the privilege to live. Very complex and yet extremely rewarding.

God has just been truly working through people this weekend. With Corry's timely advice in her comment below, this message received tonight, great advice in this morning's service and so much more.

A few things I walked away from church with today:

~ God values humility, servanthood, courage and risk-taking in us.

~ When you come up against a challenge, the temptation will be to stop...keep moving and unexpected help, strength and blessings will come.

~ Don't expect to hear from God if you remain frozen in one spot. (Bob Gass)

~ The moment we stop going forward is the moment we quit making ourselves available to resources, etc. which might be there for us in the future.

~ Luck happens to those who take a risk...we never know what's out there if we don't take the risk.

~ To fail to prepare is to prepare to fail.

~ Success doesn't always look the way you expect it to.

~ Sometimes the greatest discovery is unknown until the passage of time.

~ Our idea of success is a lot of times very different than God's idea of success.

Well, I guess I gave you a quick overview of the sermon. But really, the person speaking could not have known where I was at, because I haven't really shared a lot with people. It fed me beyond belief and brought me a huge sense of peace...that's always an awesome thing when that can happen. I'm ending off with three scriptures from this morning...this has been a really humbling and awesome day!

Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.

~James 4:10


Commit to the LORD whatever you do, and your plans will succeed.

~Proverbs 16:3

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

~ Isaiah 41:10

Hard Decisions...

Faithful One

(by Selah)

I find no hope within to call my own

For I am frail of heart, my strength is gone

But deep within my soul is rising up a song

Here in the comfort of the faithful one

I walk a narrow road through valleys deep
In search of higher ground, on mountains steep

And though with feet unsure, I still keep pressing on.

For I am guided by the faithful one.

Faithful, faithful to the end,

My true and precious friend,

You have been faithful,

Faithful, so faithful to me

I see your wounded hands, I touch your side

With thorns upon your brow you bled and died

But there’s an empty tomb, a love for all who come

And give their hearts to you, the faithful one.

Faithful, faithful to the end,

My true and precious friend,

You have been faithful,

Faithful, so faithful to me

And when the day is dawned and when the race is run

I will bow down before God’s only Son

And I will lift my hands in praise for all you’ve done

And I will worship you, my faithful one.

This song was on one of the CDs I received for Christmas, and I've listened to it a lot between Christmas and now. I think I've been drawn to it, partially because it speaks a lot of truth to what my journey's been and I guess to where my journey's heading. I find comfort in this song...comfort in the fact He is so faithful to us, even when we aren't nearly as devoted or faithful to Him.

I said in my first post of the New Year that I don't make resolutions, but that I do try to have some hopes or goals, for which to work towards during the year. One of the goals on my list..."Make important changes in my life...as a wife & mother, in ministry, schooling, etc." I'm already having to face the somewhat scary part of this one. For me, at this point, I think the only way I can truly make important changes in my life, is to clear my slate to pretty much empty. But in order to do that, it would mean giving up ministry stuff which I feel led by God to be involved in.

So the big question in my head today is this...if I clear my plate and step down from almost all ministry commitments, am I being disobedient to God, or simply making sure my heart and motivations are where they need to be?

I've never made a step quite so radical, as to simply take a few months to not serve, but simply be a spectator. It goes against everything in my mindset and how my heart's wired. So right now, the battle ensuing, is to discern whether or not this suggestion in my head is God-breathed or not.

I think the reason for the difficulty with this decision is because of the last verse of the song. There will come a day when we'll all stand before Him and give an account of what we did and didn't do, and also explain the reasons for those choices. I want to do all He wants of me...and in the end, I really don't right now if this decision will allow that or not.

Where Do You Go For Help?

I lift up my eyes to the hills—where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth.
~Psalm 121:1-2

Change Up

I am hoping to do some change-ups to my blog. I know I've been less than interesting the past while and I'm hoping to have that change. One thing which came out of me taking a Spiritual Gifts class at our church, was how strong my love for music, art, photography and writing are.

It confirmed why it's such an 'escape' at times for me, such a refreshing thing to sit down and type my thoughts, write them through poetry, song or simply thoughts, take my camera and capture images or play and listen to music whenever.

I am hoping to have 'visual' posts intertwined with the writings of my heart and soul. I know that not everyone might read this way, but because it's one of my forms of communication, I want to begin communicating that way.

I guess there'll be a lot of change ups with Cinder this upcoming year, but that's not a bad thing, actually will be really good for all involved I think!

As 2007 begins

As we talked with family last night, a conversation came up about Mr. Cinder's former employer. When we left in the summer of 2005, the company was to be sold...we knew that could go either way and for many reasons, decided to make the move. The company did get sold and actually has benefited greatly as a result. The conversation went towards the fact that you never really know how things might turn out...there were a few what-ifs thrown in...in terms of our family and if we hadn't moved.

The bottom line came down to the fact that we still feel we made the best decision possible for our family. We wouldn't change it...now we can look back over the last year and a half and we're able to see all that's transpired. So this morning, I was spending a little time reading, while we, as a family, vegged at various activities. I came across Christopher's site, where he talked about some of his favorites for 2006. I have did something similar...with a few changes to the list and felt it fit in well to this post. So here's my 2006 list and a few of my hopes for 2007:


Favorite Book: Two Minds, One World (a small one, but very powerful and insightful about relationships between the Eastern and Western worlds.

Favorite Movie: As a family...The Chronicles of Narnia and As a couple...Click (this one kind of took us by surprise...well worth seeing.)

Favorite TV show: Sue Thomas F.B. Eye

Favorite Getaway: Ladies Retreat at Arlington Beach...especially since I skipped half the activities and did my own thing.

Favorite Moment: Stepping onto Sri Lankan soil and feeling like I was exactly where God wanted me to be.

Most Sobering Moment: When I was with my mom in ICU and realized there was a very real chance she wouldn't pull through.

Favorite Holiday: Thanksgiving...we celebrated with Hungry man dinners at the hostel in the hospital. We all learned an important lesson...it doesn't matter where or how you celebrate...if you are together as a family, that's all that matters!

Favorite Vacation: As a family...Family Camp at Arlington, as we got to spend time with our kids and also with both new & old friends. As a couple...Sri Lanka...no words will ever adequately explain that journey.

Favorite Worship Moment: When we were in church services in Sri Lanka...in between songs, people would be begin freely lifting their praises to God. Even though we couldn't understand what they were saying, you could feel the strong present of the Holy Spirit in the room and knew that we were praising Him together. It was very freeing for me and also very unifying.


Hopes for 2007
~ To truly see this year as a brand new slate, and to recognize everyday as a brand new slate as well...learn to wipe away the previous crud and events, and instead realize the endless possibilities and potential which lie ahead.

~ To draw closer to God and be silent more in His presence.

~ Enjoy life with my family...embrace each moment and be thankful for it and all the blessings.

~ Have more patience...learn to more effectively sweat the small stuff.

~ Have a more positive outlook on all aspects of life...live a life which is more focused on gentleness, love and understanding.

~ Make important changes in my life...as a wife & mother, in ministry, schooling, etc.


You know, I look at that list and I know things do truly happen for a reason. If we wouldn't have followed God's leading and stayed where we originally were, some of the most life-changing events wouldn't have occurred. I truly believe we may never have gotten a chance to go and experience Sri Lanka. I also believe I would have been so overworked ministry-wise, that I would have lost my passion to serve God in any useful capacity. I think our family would have suffered many ill-consequences, just because of the very busy lifestyle we chose to lead.

I find it very humbling how He continues to reveal pieces of His plan, even now as we begin this brand new year. The person I was going into 2006 and the person I am going into 2007 are vastly different people. I've changed a lot...old friends pick up on that right away and at times it can prove awkward, but I know that I'm exactly where He wants me to be, so therefore, I'm learning to be content with that...LEARNING being the keyword. I'm actually really excited to see what lies ahead for this year and am praying that I'll drink in every detail and experience things to the fullest extent.